Perhaps he needs to find a Sober Living house in your area.

Hi Barbjw!

Thanks for the reply, but it looks like that's something that will cost money and that's is something is very short supply, especially now. Any other ideas would help.

Ths- Jack

The Salvation Army has a good program and it is either free or low cost.

May I ask how long has be been in jail?

Hi! My son has been in jail for 9 mos now. (This time!) Jack

Hi Jack, I'm sorry to hear about your son. You seem like a very caring father... I know how this feels, having a heroin addicted brother.

Are you talking with your son at all? Do you know how he's doing, if he attended rehab in jail or got any help? Any signs that he wants to turn the tables?

Hi Pen125!

Thanks for the reply and support. I have visited him on many occasions in jail. His mother is a real enabler, not that I haven't been because I was for years but try to bring discipline, and order, into his life. One of the other problems is he doesn't believe in a higher spirit. He has done no rehab in jail, and I know he has taking on no jobs in jail though he is physically and more than mentally capable. The Real sad part is when I visit him, all I see is that he wants to get out. I never hear any talk about how he wants to straighten out his life or what he wants to do once he can get things together. Do you see what I mean? I don't see the desire from him to be anything else accept what he has been. I mean, even if he lied to me and told me he wanted to get clean, find a job, be with friends, or even hey dad, can you help in anyway, after i get out and get me a job. I have gotten him many jobs and with people I know, and that turned out very bad, and I felt like I letting down a few friends but I was trying to instill a sense of purpose and vision in him. Make him feel normal, and let him know there is a light at the end. Hence my enabling part of me. Unless he truly wants it, it won't happen. Ths- Jack

If he likes living on the street in NY buy him a nonrefundable ticket and mail him $100 general delivery for when he gets there.

Jack you did what my father did... I am talking about getting your son jobs, trying to talk sense into him, shelther him, protect him... It doesn't work that way sometimes..

My father had the same complaint: you are not a fighter, you don't have it in you, you are lazy. When he used to get angry at my brother and before we found out about his addiction, he used to talk to him this way...The only thing my brother would do was stay up till dawn, sleep most of the day and disappear with his "friends". We didn't know what was happening. There was a young man with two Master's Degrees from respected universities, well travelled, fluent in foreign languages, handsome, kind, caring, with a talent in poetry, acting like a nobody.

Once his heroin addiction came to light, my father did all he could to give his son a sense of purpose. In the end, the whole family paid bitterly in every possible way each and every act of support my father made. It was heartbreaking. It still is.

I sense that my brother never really grew up. He was well taken care of, never had to earn what he got, from a house to a country house, from cars to education, from trips and vacation to clothes, books, guitars, furniture, PCs, you name it.. I believe that my brother is just a spoiled kid addicted to opiates. A frightened kid in a 33 year old man's body.

I know my father made a terrible mistake with him. My dad believes so too and blames himself. He was so protective of us both, that we didn't learn life skills early on. I used to yern for independence, financial and psychological. I fought with my parents too many times just to be "left' to rent my own place and build my own life.

My brother was overwhelmed by his supposed role, I guess. Neither I, nor my brother could ever be like our dad. He is way to strong, way too bright, way too educated, way to street smart, way too responsible, way too everything. But at the end of the day, he wasn't enough. And he can not forgive himself for it. You seem to be moving on. That's the healthy thing to do. It takes a kind of inner strenght only a parent with a child in addiction can relate to.

I am in no position to give advice. But no matter who we are, brave, addicted, sane, scum, nice, ugly, we always need love. The human psyche feeds on love. We don't know what the future holds. Instead of telling my brother off, last time we spoke I told him that I love him and meant it.

Take care,
Pen

Hi Pen!

Very well said, and sorry this thing is way too familiar for both. Though I am no were near your dad's status etc,. I did try to instill pride, and like your brother, Dan is and exact copy but without the schooling and degrees. I don't knwo what sadder, to have a great position and throw it all away, or never realize you true potential. He is very brilliant, but without strength and any desire to work what so ever. He'll read books till the cows come home. Write stories, and color and paint. But from dusk till dawn, just lay around, smoke and shoot up. Does care for any rules or does respect any. Never seen anything like this, and it frustrated me, and also causes many serious problems, (emotionally, mentally, financially) but he could care less. Home was a place were he could do his drugs, and party if friends came over. Trying to better himself was never in his mind. least he can do, how much he could get someone to care and pay for him was his goal. Very sad because he could have done great. So sad because none of my efforts or my Ex-wife efforts ever help. She thought loving him would do it. Yes, you need love, but it's a whole lot more than that. He is, and remains very unhealthy. At 60's I feel I no longer can be anchor and rush to save his life, or bail him out. He only brings pain and misery to everyone he touches. Even though he is my son and I love him, and accepting loss has not come easy. Jack

I hate to be hard core fellow TBird, but you have to live for yourself now. Your sone has made his choice very clear. There are programs designed to help young men coming out of prison. If he wants to change he will seek these things out for himself.

My daughter is currently sober and she has a friend he spent 7 years in prison and it changed his life, he's 7 years clean.

Don't let your son ruin your new relationship. He's an adult. Have love and compassion and support for the good things, but don't think you will ever control him.

Good luck!

Thanks TByrd,

I had many the same similar remarks as yours, and it's hard, but I do know in my heart & mind, him coming home would only destroy both. I do have a chance at happiness, and I do intend to go for it, though as you know, it's not easy. Thanks for the support and kind words- Jack

The Salvation Army suggestion was a good one. I think Goodwill has a similar program. Also, do some research in your area for non-profit sober living environments. For instance, Easy Does It (http://www.easydoesitinc.org/) in Reading, PA is a non-profit recovery home. It's supported by public funding and donations.

I am 55 years old, and just found out my significant other has been doing heroin for the past year...Now all the far-fetched stories which he claimed were the truth are starting to make some sense. Of course, it's ME who is the questioning bitch (sorry) who didn't trust him....well...I wonder why!? He lost the best job he will ever have because he embezzled money. He is in jail for theft right now. I have a son who is 25 (addict is NOT his dad) and HE even suspected what was going on. To me, it should be a no-brainer.... make your son be responsible for himself but I KNOW that it is very difficult to do. In my case, I love this man and have given him every opportunity to clean up and he has chosen to chose the drug over the boring, hum drum life I call "normal"...Drugs are terrible things, no matter how long they are used or how old the user is... Best of luck in your new life!

You are only responsible for you. The hardest task for me as a mother was to tell my adult son he had 6 weeks to move out as he was using drugs. 6 weeks was up and he hadn't even looked for a place. There was an ice storm that day and it broke my heart to send him out in it, but that was necessary for me to do the right thing. As a recovering heroin addict I had to face my consequences. That's how we learn. TByrd is spot on. Best of luck to you.