Its 5 40 AM, its been a very rough couple of weeks or months I cant be sure I lost track a long time ago. My room has a lingering smell of stale air and cat piss, a smell that seems to bother everyone else yet I cannot even discern anymore. I havent left this room for a long time now, I havent exercised or seen the sun rise or watched the moon lit night sky in a long time. I havent shaved or showered, I am at a total loss.
I want so badly to get out of this rut to get back on my feet but I just cant seem to shake these post withdrawal blues. So I ask myself how do i get out of this and the bigger question I feel is where do I start? well the natural answer to that I feel is start at the beginning. The beginning of any journey of recovery i feel is at step one.
I admit that I am powerless over heroin and that it has made my life unmanageable.
I sit here writing this nearly 4 months sober now; its not my first time sober actually I have gotten clean quite a few times up until this point once even for over a year but in the end I fuck up and fuck everything up and end up right back here square one. Then when I am here I start the same old shit the blogging the sharing the steps the inventory bla bla bla and pick myself up and piece my life together.
I call it shit gathering because I am getting my shit together I have done it before I can do it.
So this discussion here doesnt have a point well not really except to tell everyone I am gonna get my shit together no matter what it takes
and I am going to say this one line from a poem this one line that has gotten me through so much
"O bulley we shant die so easy, bring us stronger poisons to drink"