I put out some Rat-B-Gon, but it doesn't work.

Not only isn't the rat gone, it hasn't even moved for the last two days.

(Joseph Moore)

I reckon if wild animals drove just a bit more slowly and wore their seatbelts, there'd be fewer of them dead on the side of the road.

(Nerissa Rowan)

Medical Signs

Sign over a Hepatologists Office: Livers Only

At a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."



A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5,
Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the
first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral
lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my
brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"



A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks,
"Why the long face?"

Two young brothers, ages 7 & 9 were chatting one morning before breakfast. "I think it's time we started swearing at home" said the older boy. To which the younger one readily agreed.

"What do you kids want for breakfast" said the mother when they came downstairs.

"Ah hell Mom, Just give me some of those damn pancakes."

The retribution was swift, and she slapped him so hard he fell out of his chair and went crying up to his room.

"And what about you, young man?" She asked the younger one.

"Well, I sure as hell don't want any fucking pancakes!"

A cop pulled me over and asked if I knew why he followed me.

I said because my tweets are funny?

We laughed and high fived, now I'm in jail..

I was pulled over for a field sobriety test and the cop asked me to say the alphabet backwards. I LMAO'd and blurted out, "Occifer, I couldn't say that sober!!"

I can still remember losing my first baby tooth.

Up until that time, I had NO idea the old man could hit that hard.

Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."

The only time my uncle let me sit on his lap,
was when he was in the electric chair!!!!

Two doctors are laying in bed after having sex. The guy says "You must be an OBGYN because you can work that pussy." The woman says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing."

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

...and why did Clem eat the monkey?

-- Because dem teeth were hungry!!