Since that terrible day i always wanted to found the place where i could share my thoughts and finally i found it, but dont know even how to start. It is still so sad and heartbreaking part of my life, even thou i know there are so much people like me...
Nearly four years ago i was the happiest person in the world, had an amazing boyfriend(now husband), good work, friends,and finally i was pregnant, felt blessed and couldnt wish for anything much better. Untill one day i received the letter saying something is wrong with my blood and i have to get in touch with the hospital. I was scared confused didnt understand what is going on. I thought how me always healthy strong never ill could get some bad news from the hospital. On behalf of me my boyfriend called the hospital. This day i will remember for the rest of my life...I never felt so down ashamed dirty confused devastated...That was the biggest shock ever - hepatitis b. To be honest dont remember myself ever crying so much. I still cry thou but not so much. Still feel the same but not so bad. Still questioning myself from where i have got it how and why...
Not much actually i knew about it, so when i found out about it more i just wanted to die...I always was good daughter, never partying till late, never used drugs, never had unprotected sex, always studying hard, finished two universities, working hard to reach my dreams and never ever in my life would ever thought to hear such news...Still remember saying to my mom and dad actually screaming and crying what is going on with me.The reaction was the same as mine mom started to cry saying that everything is going to be ok and we are going to get thru this together, dad was thinking she who never complains about the health, just few times in thirty years had a fever , so strong mentally and phisically, how did it happen...well now for sure i know you can be healthy and have it not knowing about it.
I dont feel the same person, im ashamed of myself, cant tell anyone about it. There is still a label about hepatitis b, people are very judgmental and like to talk about others, specially when bad things happen...To avoid those looks i rather keep it to myself, even this destroying me sometimes so badly. Remember sitting with few friends in the coffee shop, speaking about life, kids, husbands, peoples health problems, having a good time until one of my friends actually said she is disgusted with people who has these kinda diseases. Naturally she didnt know im infected and she still doesnt know, but can you imagine how i felt...She is close friend of mine, so after this dont even want to know what others think...But in the same time i feel like im lying to everybody around me, my friends, colleagues, some family members, but i just cant give them reason to judge me, speak about me...Even in the hospital (when i go for a blood test, to see a doctor) im afraid to meet someone i know, afraid of questions why i am here for. i know it sounds silly, but this is my truth, my life story. i just hope one day ill be cured and everybody will know about it...It would be my second birthday or day when i coud be the same smiling and happy women again.
i know it sounds maybe too crazy and i shouldnt complain so much. i have an amazing husband, since this call he was always by my side, always loving, positive, supportive, beautiful and healthy daughter, loving parents, work, nice home. But i just dont have peace with myself, still blaming, punishing, hating myself for this. it is always on my mind, four years i go to bed and wake up with the same blaming thoughts, the same questions without answers.
So thats why i am here, maybe i would find somebody who is going thru the same emotional roller coaster, maybe knowing somebody with the same problem would help feel more positive in life.
I told the story on some other site but nobody bothered :) i hope here i will find somebody who i can talk to ;)