Healing broken intimacy can only be done through loving speach. The egos need to be left outside the bedroom and only compassion allowed in. The distance needs to be made a little smaller in baby steps. A hug, a hand caress, a kiss. I practice holding her before we fall asleep and on waking. Because I had forgotten to do that. And with the toy: if both of you can let the barriers down and you lie next to her while she’s playing you may find it exciting, not intimidating. I bought hers. And it’s led to lowering the inhibitions that had built up. Try to see the 25 years as the first chapter. Where it didn’t work so well. Now let it all go and make the choice to get a fresh start. No more past baggage.

When our spouse no longer wants to touch or be touched by us is a horrible feeling. There are many reasons and the hardest thing that we all need to realize more than anything else is that it is their issue, not anything we have or haven't done. I will be married 16 years in less than a month but stbx did shut down both physically and emotionally 11 years ago. There is miniscule conversation, no affection or any physical touch and absolutely no help of any kind. I have filed for divorce but have temporarily paused it .

The only difference with us is that he simply has no need or desire for it. (I tried shutting down and simply going through the motions like him, but it is no way to live ... with nothing to look forward to and dreading each new day. I need more.
With her still using the damn toy while you are right there for her is inexcusable and has to hurt. (I would trade my damn toy in a heartbeat for a warm, caring man who wanted to be there. My heart goes out to you.

It may not solve much, but here I have found it has helped for me to commiserate and realize there are far more of us dealing with this than you would think.... from 20s to 70s. Hugs to you.

Feel like you got both sides of the isle? My over the top optimism and her coming from a long, LONG lack of any sort of affection. We do both get the loneliness. I’m coming out the other side of a near failed marriage. Still have fingers crossed. The best I can offer is to get as healthy as you can on your own. Mentally, spiritually, physically. It’s really the only way to get the shattered self esteem back. Until or if she can try to heal with you.

Thank you both. Sometimes grappling with the dichotomy of the emotions is overwhelming. Tonight when I got home from work she said “it feels like you’re always mad at me.” I didn’t want to get the same speech about her not want to talk about our non-existing sex life so I lied. She joked and asked if I filed for divorce. I said “ well, not this week.” I wasn’t joking. I don’t know how much more I can take. I’d like to get our youngest through school before making the hard decision. Can’t stand leaving and can’t stand staying. I have tried being empathetic and even bought my own toys. I don’t care if she hears me or not when I use them. Male toys tend to be loud- so let her ask. I’ve never held anything back when it comes to discussion about sex. Maybe she will get a clue.

I have a friend who is in a similar situation. I told him he needs a girlfriend. Then, I took him to Vegas to get laid.

What I hear is that your pride and wounded ego is getting in the way of communication. Are you affectionate in non sexual ways? How do you show her that you "love her dearly"? Or do you let th he kids, the job and the house get in the way?

My wounded ego as you put it isn’t the issue. I’ve been through enough therapy and self-exploration to understand that about myself, and I find it interesting that your opinion of my pain is due to a wounded ego. You should keep your opinions of someone you don’t know anything more about than *two posts* limited to the issue at hand. In my opinion I have been loving And kind in as many ways as I can imagine. I have not even considered an affair because I’m in love with my partner. I came to this forum looking for support not judgement of my ego. I have raised my sons as much as my wife has since they were born. As the primary sex parent, I have taken lead on all sports, most educational issues and now getting them to graduation in spite of learning disabilities. I do a majority of the housework and shopping because I know she hates doing it. I’m not resentful because it was part of our agreement. I’m lonely because of a lack of much if any affection, not a bruised ego.

That’s tough if you don’t want to consider a girlfriend.

Maybe you can consider just telling her straight up...

Give her an ultimatum.

Sex or divorce. That’s what I would do.

Well I wouldn’t recommend a GF. What happens when you give your wife a STD?
I really don’t think Yard Eggs was passing judgment. Sometimes people (men and women alike) are so fixated on what they aren’t getting from a relationship they forget that there are two people and they might not need the same things.
You hadn’t mentioned what you have already tried.. he was just making a suggestion

When you mentioned her thinking you are always mad--- I can definitely relate to that. The more time that passes as I continue to do things for him while NONE of my needs are being met, the more anger and resentment does build in me. I too tried to keep the peace and not make waves (like you, trying to avoid same old arguments) In the end, all it did for me is build until I was ready to blow. Then was when I finally did tell him how I had been feeling all this time.--- and that I couldn't live like that anymore and wanted a divorce.

I would say if she mentioned it again , maybe if you could try to tell her how you are feeling... not blaming her, but simply stating the facts and let her come to her own conclusion. (Maybe it would help for her to hear how YOU are feeling in all of this? )

I am not sure how she is, but my stbx is completely content with a roommate, cook, housekeeper and nurse.... doesn't really need a lover or wife. It did not phase or occur to him that I don't feel the same way, yet it was eating away at me. My hope is that you don't try to bury your feelings too. (In the end, we're the ones it hurting the most. In my "perfect world" WE should all be able to express our feelings --- and be heard. If only it were that simple!)

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thank you to all that have made suggestions and shared. I’m not looking for a gf. I want my wife. The next time it comes up was yesterday. She mentioned me being mad and I told her I was struggling with feeling in love and rejected at the same time. She was silent. Light talk since then but nothing deep. Maybe she heard me, maybe not. I’m not holding back how I feel any more. I can’t. If she can’t handle it then she can deal with her issues as she sees fit. I wasn’t blaming or angry, just said what I was feeling. Let’s see what happens.

I want to heal this relationship. I really want to see how our story unfolds together. It’s hard moving to a loving place when you’re hurting but I’m trying.

I am so glad to hear you are no longer holding back how you feel. I think that is what we all need to do ...for ourselves and our relationships.
Good for you!
(PS I will try to remember these words next time I bite my tongue. lol)