Healthy Sex Support Group

This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.

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koolman 03/27/2008

Serious topic here, folks.

I watched my brother die of cancer last year, and it took its toll on me--I feel like I have spiritual cancer now. I've found it very difficult to ignite my heart and enjoy what life has to offer, including and namely sex (even masturbation) since. I can get there, but it takes longer and is really a struggle to maintain my once-raging erection sometimes! My brother had so many heartbreaks in sexual relationships that a part of me thinks sex combined with unrequited love with women who drained his energy for their own emotional gain equals death. I know that's not the case, but a part of me really thinks this is the reason he got sick and passed away. Now, every fiber of my being screams for this very type of amorous attention, as part of a healthy relationship, yet I fear the same untimely end, so I've found it very difficult to allow myself to be completely vulnerable with anyone.

I wish I were already in a relationship when my brother passed (I'd be able to lean on my girl...hopefully...for emotional support while trying to satisfy her needs), but my last GF and I fizzled out...I think because I was smothering her with too much intimacy and she simply looked at me as entertaining sexual diversion from her boring life (we did some fun stuff sexually). So now I'm starting fresh, but have yet to meet any woman who I completely mesh with. Anyone else...similar situation? Has grief damaged or tainted your spirit in your relationships?

deleted_user 03/27/2008

First off Kool my colences. I lost my mom last year and its never easy. Having said that -the last 5 years I spent not sleeping around but going thru women just the same for various reasons. When mom died that was it. I stopped and slept with noone. Told my X to take a fucking leap and just concentrated on me. 6 months after mom died the girl I had been in love with for 5 years came forward and said she felt the same about me. We are now attmmpting to make it work. Take your time, mourn your brother and when you find the right girl you will know it. Grief can be our enemy but it can also be our friend we just have to find a medium that works for us.

Best of luck
Raven

koolman 03/27/2008

Wow, thanks, Raven. I think the only person who's going to relate to me is someone who similarly lost someone they love to a deadly disease. Or maybe losing someone to another person is the same kind of grief-? Losing someone to a disease is a unique animal, because they didn't WANT to leave you but did. I think it'd be easier to lose someone to infidelity!

deleted_user 03/27/2008

Death whether its thru disease, natural causes, accident or at the hands of another is the hardesd thing we will ever go thru. Let yourself grieve and if need be repeat the stages of grief as many times as you need to. I still go back to the anger stage everytime we have family drama

No thanks needed you asked for an honest answer and I hope thats what I gave you

koolman 03/27/2008

Anyway, kudos on your new relationship! I'm talking to women and trying to find something sweet and fun. Going slowly, to say the least. I don't think the opposite sex knows what to make of me, because I'm a big, physically strong guy who is emotionally sweet and vulnerable-! I don't think women know how to handle that. So I'm trying to make them feel comfortable in my sweetness; then, when we're both sufficiently comfortable and bored, express my desire to go further and release my physical strength and sexuality when someone asks for it. Good strategy?

deleted_user 03/27/2008

Sorry for your loss,,, but no matter how you lose someone it is hard. Most of all when a friend commits suicide and I still check the mail to see if a letter will arrive. It has been 8 months and I am still waiting

koolman 03/27/2008

Thanks on the grief advice. I've certainly been repeating the "tears/anger" cycle as many times as it takes. I think I need a healthy outlet for my anger. I've been begging people to slap it around with me on a tennis court or go bike-riding with me, and no one seems to have the time. I began background-acting in movies (yay!) and it's been a fun, healthy social interaction experience! I was just in the Owen Wilson/Jennifer Aniston movie Marley and Me (due out in December) and bumped into Owen (literally) one scene. He's exactly like his onscreen persona, a sweet, fun-loving goofball (which is how I am too). Met a lot of wonderful background actors, each with their own history and reasons for wanting to do this type of work. A lot of excitement junkies, probably not the ideal place to start a healthy relationship, but NOWHERE is really the right place, frankly! Anyway, the experience was fun and I hope to do it again soon. Thanks!

deleted_user 03/28/2008

During the last couple of years I went through a kind of emotional death. I felt broken and vulnerable and angry at G*d. I have two pieces of advice to you: let yourself experience whatever emtions you have-recognise them and validate them! Secondly-if you are looking for a parner too hard you might mistake qualities they have for something else-If you are looking too hard, you won't see them for what they are.
Good luck!

LisaACOA 03/28/2008

Hi Kool! I am very sorry for your loss. I have experienced a tremendous amount of loss in my life so, I feel your pain. My Dad raised me and he died of Alcoholism 2 months before I graduated from highschool. I lost my husband 11 years ago. He went to work one day and never came home. He had a heart attack at work and he died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Not counting many close friends and other family members. What helped me the most was a Bereavement Group I joined. It was a great group and really helped me deal with the loss of my Husband and Dad. I have peace with their loss now. I am comforted by the fact that they aren't suffering anymore and that I will see them again. Then I started volunteering for Hospice. It really helped me evenmore to be able to give back what I had received. I hope this helps you some to know that there is help out there. You can be happy again. Also remember, your brother would want you to be happy too. I am here for you if you need to talk.

Your friend,

Lisa
abusehurts

koolman 03/31/2008

Thanks, all.

Lisa: It's been a year, the hurt has subsided somewhat (last year it was all so incomprehensible that a strong human being could whither down to nothing in a few months), and I'm starting to see things in the healthy perspective you described. I find myself being a lot more emotionally raw now than I was, which is good and bad, good in that I'm fearless now and not shy around anyone, bad in that the hurt and anger still returns sometimes, and I don't really want to expose anyone to it. I find myself overreacting to things that are really boring and mundane--all I need do is relax and sink into the menutia of everyday life as before, without getting greedy and expecting some excitement or attachment that is not there. Generally, I do see people clearly now as they are, not for what they can do for me. There are certainly a lot of sweet people around who want to open up to me the same as I do them. God bless for joining Hospice--it takes a really special person to do that. That is a job that I don't think I could do at this point (it's all still a bit too raw); maybe in a few more years...thanks, sweetie. -Mike

koolman 03/31/2008

I've been looking for bereavement groups by the way. Actually, I've cried so much reading the other entries on the Bereavement board here at DS that I think I've worked out a lot of my own tears that way. I'd like to add, Lisa, that I'm so sorry for your loss too. Thanks for being there. I'll do the same.

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