Healthy Sex Support Group

This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.

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Sexual desire openness with my wife

dontunderstandmyself
dontunderstandmyself
I don't really know what to do. I have been being patient, curious, sensitive, and open with my wife about wanting to understand her more. I have asked what her fantasies are...what makes her tick inside. She is reluctant to really open up and discuss what is on her mind. I don't want this to be like I am trying to force her to talk about it, that is not fair nor would it be constructive to either of us or our relationship.

I guess something that also could be added to this story is that I have even asked my wife what turns her on in a guy... on a physical level, she really does not want to describe it. I even gave examples, and she says of course she has things that get her sexual motor going, but leaves it at that.

I have explained to her I would not even be bothered by any fantasy she has... another guy, another girl, someone we know, stranger, a movie star, alien... ok, not the alien. But I am frustrated here and really would like to allow for an open free sex relationship with my wife. Before anyone comments on this, I am not asking my wife to have sex with someone else or do I have hidden agendas to get another girl in our bedroom. This is about my wife and myself. I think she is such a special woman and should treated special. I want to allow her to indulge in things she is interested in sexually. I want us to be able to have fun and explore her dreams and fantasies together. With all this said, I do have fantasies too I would like to share, but really I enjoy seeing her get anything she desires if possible.

This does make me wonder if she does not want me involved in that stuff.... also her not wanting to discuss it with me hurts a bit too. What can I do other than wait and hope for some internal breakthrough on her side? Thanks for listening....

Any advice would be appreciated, especially from a woman's point of view or a man's that has been a similar situation.
dontunderstandmyself
dontunderstandmyself
Wonder why no one is touching this one?
deleted_user
deleted_user
I don't know if I have any advice really, but questions.. As your sex life stands, how is it? Do you guys have sex but you want more of it, better quality? Is it boring for one or both of you? Is she not interested? Has your wife had other partners? Maybe she's never opened up sexually. Do you guys try just experimenting through touch without words? Are you having a hard time making her orgasm? I think there are so many factors that could influence and are influencing this situation that I think it's hard to try to give advice without knowing quite a bit about it. Not sure if some of these questions are too personal, obviously disregard them if they are.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Good questions....
koolman
koolman
Wish I could help, but I went through this with a Vietnamese lady I became enamored with, and she simply did not want to "go there" (too conservative). Thank God we didn't get married lol.

All you can do is gently broach the subject of YOUR fantasies (in a way that is gentle and doesn't shock your wife and make her think you're some sort of freak) and ask her "is that something you've thought about too?".
deleted_user
deleted_user
Check your motives.
I bet that she know/feels that you are manipulating her into doing something she is not comfortable with hence the resistance to her to engage you on this level. You just might be married to a conservative woman and even though you might have the urge to bring new ideas into the bedroom she may not be responsive to them. By her not saying yes or confiding her fantasies to you probably means no. Sometimes fantasies are best left fantasies. The more you push here the more she will resist.
dontunderstandmyself
dontunderstandmyself
Znutz - Good questions. Sex life is really good! We are both satisfied and she has expressed this recently. She is satisfied with quality/quantity. I on the other hand could do it every night of the week. We currently have sex probably 4-5 times a week. I think both of us find it exciting, we are not bored. My wife has not had any other partners since us dating/married 7 years ago. No orgasm issues. She also has proclaimed the success in the department too! My thing is that there seems to be other fun things to experiment in our sexuality, that we should find something exciting and different to make our own. Does that make sense?

Another thing to consider, is my wife has not been conservative in the past. We knew each other before even dating and she used to be the girl that was naughty and flashing her boobs and stuff. So I know she is not a prude and has naughty thoughts in her head going on.
koolman
koolman
Maybe the "role" of wife has been clearly established, and the label of "marriage" has somehow hanged this veil of conservatism over everything. Assure her that any kinky sex games will just be role-playing and will NOT degrade your opinion of her as a loving and faithful wife!
dontunderstandmyself
dontunderstandmyself
koolman - I have expressed that to her. I probably have pushed too much to talk about it and need to let her relax a bit on it. I will give it some time and see how she feels.... I appreciate your comments.
LunaRose
LunaRose
why not try the honest sincere approach and say, "I enjoy our sex life, love you very much and am comfortable with you. Comfortable enough to say I have some fantasies/sexual ideas/positions that I would love to explore with you. Could we talk about it?"

Stop trying to get her to open up to allow YOU to feel comfortable enough to talk, take the plunge and open your heart and mind, become vulnerable to her and tell her what you desire, perhaps she will respond in kind.

No one wants to be that exposed alone; especially with someone just asking them too and that person not exposing themselves.
goodtotalk
goodtotalk
she may just not be comfortable talking about it for fear that you will think she is dirty. sometimes fantasies can be hard to reveal because they are in your head and if u express them you have the fear of someone saying omg thats crazy. dont push the issue. if she is satisfied with your sex life and so are you then let it be. fantasieas are not always things we want to act upon.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Maybe she is being honest with you and doesn't feel the way you do. I think you need to explore your motives as someone else suggested.

Is it really about her or is it about you? You said "I enjoy seeing her get anything she desires if possible." so is it about you getting enjoyment out of seeing her enjoy herself or is it about her? I hear this kind of thing often from men. They say "I want to see my wife getting pleasure". They try to make it seem like it is all about their wife's pleasure when it is really about their own and they get extremely turned on seeing their wife get off so it really isn't about her at all. It is about her being the vehicle for them to get off. If she wants to talk she will. If she doesn't she shouldn't be coerced into it because you want to hear it. Don't assume she things the same way you do and has similar fantasies that involve other people, etc.