Healthy Sex Support Group

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Sex in an undecided marriage

Outstanding1965
Outstanding1965
Sex in an undecided marriage

Weve been married for 19 years. The last 3+ years have been very rough. My wife is much undecided about our relationship. She is not very affectionate and is distant from me a lot of the time. I the last couple of months she has told me that she doesnt know how she feels toward me. Even with all this going on over the last few years, our sex life is the best it has ever been. We both are very open to each other. This can be very confusing. On one hand, she doesnt know what type of love she feels toward me, yet on the other hand we are very sexually compatible. She is very emotional toward me when we are having sex.

Anyone else experience this?
Any comments?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Maybe it is the thought that you are being so open with each other and that you know that she is undecided on things that make her feel liberated enough to really let go. Maybe she enjoys that she doesnt have to pretend that she is 100% happy i dont really know but you will have to have a chat with her about it and see what she says, you cant keep being confused
deleted_user
deleted_user
Um, is there something else she's unhappy about with life out of bed?
Starlaw might be right about needing to talk it out with her, but at the same time she might not be able to articulate for herself what the problem is, at least not if she hasn't worked it out yet for herself.
koolman
koolman
I asked this in my "sex versus love" post. I'd say enjoy it for what it is, or, if YOUR needs are deeper on an emotional level, you might wanna look for another woman. What's more important to YOU, getting loved or getting laid? In an ideal situation, we'd have both, but it doesn't always work that way.
koolman
koolman
And yes, talk about all this with her, not in a blaming way, but just indicate that you are confused, and wonder if she feels the same. Ask yourselves what would make you both completely happy? If she doesn't know how she feels about you, ask her what does she WANT to feel? Sounds like she doesn't know. Try and help her figure it out if you can.
bigguy3
bigguy3
It sounds to me that there are some eomotional needs that are not being met in the marriage. The sex may be great but sex is not the end all, be all in a marriage. Unmarried people can have amazing sex.

I am not sure if you are much of a reader, but I read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley and it helped to identify what needs are most important to you and your spouse (if she reads the book too). I may help to identify where things are askew and help you move forward.

Another book I read was "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch. This book was more about standing up for yourself and breaking through impasses.