In my opinion, a well supported marriage is much like a table... it requires four legs to stand upon: Love, Romance, Communication and Mutual Sexual Pleasure. If even one of these legs get broken, it begins to topple the table. Eventually all four legs get worn out from use and abuse.

I am a middle aged man whose wife is in very similar shoes as yours. I cannot explain what's up in your husband's world, only to openly tell you about mine. The problem is that this post would turn into a manuscript by the time I tell the whole story dating back to my childhood, upbringing, dings to my self-esteem, experiences with relationships and so forth. As you can see, none of this relates to my wife even remotely. What I would need to explain are personal and private issues that I cannot bring myself to talk about with my wife. The communication leg of the table has been wearing out slowly, as you can see. Unless you up for a game of mind reading, there is no way to know what is and was going on in your husband's past which may (or may not) be affecting the other legs of your marital table.

Sex is an important leg of your "table," but hardly the most important one. Without that romance, communication and love, sex is just sex. Although the old expression of "men only want one thing" is broadcast time and time again, that is a stereotype. Men may only want one thing from a non-committed relationship but I personally feel it is different in a marriage. In my case, I want FOUR things... Love, Romance, Communication, and that Mutually Pleasurable Sex. Much like the old phrase, "men only want one thing," is not *ALWAYS* true, neither is the "PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE." Yes, in some cases and slowly they do. He has changed. You have changed. Otherwise you would not be here to talk about the changes... and I would not be here to give my side of my story.

So, not going into my past (you can private message for those details if you wish), I can only tell you a few of the reasons my table is on rocky ground. Please keep in mind that LOVE is not even one of the unsupported legs of our relationship. I have and do love my wife without question. It's the other related components that are failing us.

I believe the romance was the first thing to go in our marriage. We used to kiss and cuddle and talk for hours without even having the need to jump in bed. It was like we were still dating for several years into the relationship. We would hold hands, I would kiss her in the middle of a grocery store (just cuz), we'd go out to dinner together, and smiles... lots and lots of smiles. I will blame personal stress, financial stress, and just "life" as responsible for the breakdown of that romance, which started to take a toll on the communication. This is when it felt like our only communication was about money and work and the realities of adult life were kicking in. This is when most couples may begin to think about their goals in and outside of the marriage. She wants a kid. He wants a pet chameleon. She wants a bigger house. He wants a blow job. Sorry. Priorities, wants, and needs without communication and romance begins to take its toll on intimacy. What suffers? Yup, the sex. She wants to talk about it. He doesn't. She REALLY wants to talk about it. He REALLY doesn't want to.

The table is now a circle and it's a game in knowing if she is leading or following. My wife doesn't know this but she began to nag me about not having sex, wanting communication at worse times, wanting date nights when I am so freaked out by accumulating debt, and when in bed all I want to do is sleep. Sex is not really in the picture because of physical and mental exhaustion.

After a while of having sex just to have sex it gets old. Where is the romance and communication? It's all changed. There have been no hand holding, no cuddling, no kissing. Sex seems like too much work... how about tomorrow? Does any of this sound familiar??? You begin to say "I love you" and it's a "me too" automatic response. He begins to say, "eff you" and you respond with, "yeah, I wish." Now is NOT a good time to communicate, trust me.

He still wants that pet chameleon but if he brings it up, she'll only talk about wanting a kid (or new home or ???). So he shuts up and shuts down.

So, I am kinda over the sex "issues" lately having worked on my self esteem a little more but there is still the romance and communication to be worked on. My self esteem was shattered for a while and those were the things that I *wouldn't* talk about. Did I still turn her on? What did she mean about wishing she had a boyfriend for sex when I stopped wanting it? The little digs were still in my head but I'd sure like to play around again. It's hard to rekindle sex without first working on that communication and romance. What order did it fail in? So, I asked if she wanted to play around and she replied, "who are you and what did you do with my husband?: .. We are in bed, cuddling and kissing and just about ready for love making when... it was hard a minute ago. God, I am such a loser. She's got to be disappointed. The male brain (yes, we have them) starts to dig into us. Men DO have emotions, contrary to popular belief.

Is any of this making sense? So, now I have started to rekindle with the communication and romance slowly and the passion and interest in sex is returning and then... she just broke her leg a few weeks ago. UGH.

I can't tell YOU or your husband what leg of the support systems have weakened and in what order... that will be up to you two. But if nothing changes back, there will be resentment, unstated resentment, that could make things worse before getting better.

My advice... before communicating about sex, go back to holding hands and touching, kissing and talking. The rest should fall into place. Don't look to the past... look to the future. That's where your hopes and dreams are.

Again, if you want more detail on my bizarre past, it is best in private message than sharing my experiences with cyberspace.

Good Luck!

You have been given some really good advice there from csajourney. My feeling on this matter are a little less complicated.

See we humans let stress get to us and responcibility take over our lives. OR should say our perceived responcibility. You see MOST people put the burden upon themselves to either keep up with their neighbor or to try to live to A un needed life style. When it comes down to it MOST things in life are really insignificant. Stop and think about what you have that is the latest and greatest and who your in compition with. To be honest and this is my opinion ONLY. I do not need the best phone, car, truck, TV, Camper, boat, House, Clothes or any other material thing in the world or tons of money in the bank. See this is one of the most stressful things in the world for both men and women and damages a relationship and marriage more than anything dose. Money is the golden cow in most peoples lives , because they need to keep up with the status quo and it causes nothing but stress and pain on relationships. If he worries about money or bills or work then he really isn't focused on what matters in his life the most and that is his family. See when we die we leave everything behind and I am not going to get or even touch on religious beliefs here so stick with me. This is why I say life is so insignificant. When you or I die everything we have or had in this life dose not matter to anyone else! Well except the vultures that will sweep in to claim all your stuff you leave behind. In my opinion what all people should be focusing on is living there life in happiness with the person they love and breaking the chains of society and the status quo. Don't get me wrong I work hard for a living and support my family, but I try very hard not to stress over things I cant change and live above my means and let that effect my family.

Please tell me how you look upon your marriage and the truest desires you had when you got married ? We all want love, but what is our idea of love? To some its a big house, lots of kids, expencive vacations and to others It spending time with someone, and giving to and receiving joy from them.

I always have viewed Love and relationships as its two people against the world and as long as they cant be divided they will make it through anything. I have a different out look on making love then a lot of people do, because I am more emotional about spending physical time with my partner. I don't know how long you have been married or really anything about your relationship other than what you posted, but therapy may help you both. Maybe take a different approach to the lack of love in your relationship. Some guys don't like to talk about sex, making love, or intimacy , because of various reasons and one of them could be that its a challenge to his masculinity if he cant please his wife so its easier to ignore then to deal with. Ask him what stresses him out or is a negative effect on his life that makes him uncomfortable. Try to get to the root cause of the issues without making it about intimacy. I am sorry you have to deal with this, but the way I see it if you want to save your marriage you don't have any other choice. I don't know you well enough to know what to suggest you do. We all have choices in life. You can choose to stay, to leave, to cheat, or to give it all you go to make it work, but I will tell you that it takes TWO people and if he isn't willing to work on it then I don't feel you should waist your life miserable either. You are only given one life and its up to you to make it count.

My answer is super short compared to the others!

No oral would be grounds for divorce for me!

Rawblu- I feel your pain. It has been several months since my fiance and I have been physically intimate. I know it stems from him being depressed over the passing of his mom and I tried to be understanding of that until I found out he masturbates regularly. So it's not that he doesn't have the urge, he just doesn't bother with me.

I get angry when I feel such overwhelming desire and I have a perfectly working penis next to me yet unavailable to me. There are moments when I think about having an affair. Not that I ever would- I'd leave him first. But I totally get why Ashley Madison exists and why there are over 3 million users. Sex is important to a relationship. I talk to him about it and he says things will get better but when? How long am I supposed to wait.

We get married next spring. Will we have sex on our honeymoon. It enfuriates me that I even have to wonder about that. So why get married? Because I do love him and I do have faith that things will improve. He is in therapy and he has been more affectionate as of late which is a far cry from where we were at the beginning of the year (barely talking, never touching) We've been laughing together and dating again. These things give me hope that our sex life will once again recover. But if it doesn't it will destroy us.

Sex is not the most important thing but it is very important. I don't have anything in the way of advice. just wanted you to know you were not alone.

I was with my husband for 20 years. 17 of those qualified as "sexless" meaning sex less than 10 times a year. This was not my choice. We would talk about it, fight about it, & make promises to change it on the regular. It never changed. I don't know what this issue was with him, I still don't now that our marriage is over.

I can tell you this though, it REALLY damaged my self esteem, how I feel about myself as a woman, & as a person. I don't even mean specifically/solely to do with being sexually desirable...I feel like I lost part of the spark & energy that normal, healthy, people have. I think it's a vital part of our life force. For years I told myself it was okay, but now that we're apart it is extremely clear to me how not okay the situation was.

I wish I had some advice for you, I tried everything I could think of with my ex.

have you tried counseling (together)? Is there any sexual abuse in his past that you know of?

There are other ways to have intimacy without sex, but I think the sex is important too.

I agree with Onetoomany...No oral no relationship. I don't require it every time we have sex or demand it, I'm happy with the amount I get.
But it goes both ways Women desire oral too, soo it's a TWO WAY EAT !

Of course there's other important things in life, I've got most of that too , I'm a lucky man . I haven't always been soo lucky tho..

Might your husband be having an affair behind your back? Maybe HE is very satisfied sexually and wants to not talk about how, or with whom.