Healthy Sex Support Group
This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.
Have a situation I would love to hear opinions on. If you don't feel like reading the whole thing just skip to the paragraph at the end.` I do not enjoy sex very much with my boyfriend. Now its not just him. I am 37 when I was 15 I met a wonderful guy and we were married many long years until he passed away in 06'. Never did enjoy sex with him either. Wasn't to much of an issue because he had diabetes and was not overly interested so I only had to put out every month or so. I don't hate sex I just cant seem to get in the moment and ever orgasm when I am with a partner (I can by myself) and more often than not I just am not in the mood. On the times I am in the mood I just end up super frustrated because i cannot seem to relax to get a happy ending myself. The guy I am with now we have been together 7 months. Except for a few weeks in October (honeymoon period ended and we had to figure out if we could adjust to our many differences or move on) most of them have been good. He is 51 and has some ED problems also. Used to be he loved to touch and cuddle which I loved also and more often than not it ended up with me giving him a BJ. He could get hard enough for that just not intercourse. Beginning of this month he saw the doctor and he got cialis and it kinda jump started him. Now everything has changed. He comes over approx 2 times a week. There is a lot less cuddling and a lot more groping on me. I usually have no warning if he took the pill or not. When he does that thing lasts forever. I do what ever it is that will make him happy(mostly oral) then go to sleep only to be awakened an hour later with his hands all over me. When he does not take the pill its not all night but he still a lot more grabby than he was before. So I am now basically performing every single time he comes over which is at least 2x a week. I think its important to mention again I don't hate doing it and I never make him feel that hes not wanted. He does so much for me outside the bedroom I know he does not necessarily like to do I feel its the least I can do to take care of his needs inside the bedroom. Besides that feed him when hes hungry and occasionally bring him a glass of tea and hes pretty happy. We have been discussing possibly moving in together in a few months which got me thinking. Pills are to expensive for him to take every night but I have a feeling he has a medium to high sex drive and that performing oral sex every night might get to be a bit to much for me.
So what is the minimum you feel that you/or your partner would need sex without feeling like you/or they were being rejected or not getting your needs met. Also please before someone says that is something you should talk with your partner about please understand that I do not feel like everything needs to be talked about. I would rather have him stay in the dark about the fact I am not that into it because if he knew I think it would take some of the joy out of it for him and that is the last thing I want to do.
So what is the minimum you feel that you/or your partner would need sex without feeling like you/or they were being rejected or not getting your needs met. Also please before someone says that is something you should talk with your partner about please understand that I do not feel like everything needs to be talked about. I would rather have him stay in the dark about the fact I am not that into it because if he knew I think it would take some of the joy out of it for him and that is the last thing I want to do.
I think you have a deep issue with not being able to enjoy the moment and have a happy ending. I mean there is something bothering you that dosent allow you to feel good about sex. I read many times that you said you dont hate it . Seems to me like you may be trying to convice yourself of that.
We all have differant views on sex and sometimes our up-bringing and make us think it is wrong, tainten, or even bad for us. IMHO sex is the greatest way we can share our bodys with the person we love and experiance true love at its best! It is magical in the moment of doing great things for someone else and making them feel good while enjoying ourselves as well.
Best of Luck !
Though you're not that into sex, or not overly passionate about it, at least you're trying. You're considering his feelings and needs and that says a lot about you.
I believe you should be enjoying the touching, intimacy, sex. Perhaps talking with a doctor or at least researching it online might give a few ideas as to why it's not great for you. I don't know, maybe some people are born with not a huge need for it. Maybe it doesn't feel as good to some people as it does others, no matter what you do.
From his end, he should not always get the benefit of climaxing. In fact, I think a few times, he should not get anything. An evening or two to start should be 100% about you WITHOUT him feeling like "now it's his turn" and without you feeling like it's not fair -- you'll go ahead and pleasure him. You need it to just be about you with no expectations, no worries, no nothing. Sensual massage, light caressing, simple holding, or whatever. With that, you MIGHT feel something you haven't before. You might let yourself get lost in the moment.
That's just my thought. That's my recommendation.
You said you rather keep him in the dark about your feelings, that's your decision and that's fine if you feel it will be the best thing for you, him and the relationship. I personally would be very hurt if down the road I found out my partner didn't really enjoy sex but was just doing it to please me or he felt it's the least he could do and he would feel the same way if it were me. We would not be hurt because I (or he) didn't enjoy it but hurt because we weren't open and honest to the other about our feelings. That to Him/me would lower the level of trust we have in each other because we would feel there was some lack of trust to begin with if we didn't want to or felt we couldn't speak honestly about our feelings and our sex life. That's just the way he/I would see it but that's how we want our relationship to be and also based on the dynamics of our relationship and our sex life we both need to be completely open and honest about it.