Healthy Sex Support Group

This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.

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sandpiper 01/05/2017

Really hoping to hear from both men and women here, and warn everyone upfront this will likely be lengthy. I am a female, mid 30's, not married but in a serious, committed relationship with a man a few years my senior and we live together. As have most, he and I have both been through very tumultuous relationships in the past with people who have lied to and betrayed us. We are both committed to growth and being emotionally healthy people, and the communication in our relationship is very strong.

For a very short time in the beginning of our relationship, our sex life was odd. He had no trouble getting aroused, but he had a hard time reaching orgasm. It didn't take long for our intamacy to grow and our sex life to take off. We have amazing sex now, very open, exploratory, intimate, and passionate. We both get off very often (him always now) and fairly quickly, often multiple times. Early in our relationship, he told me he masturbated while I was still asleep in the morning, because the sex was so hot the night before he woke up turned on and knew I would be rushing to get ready for work and wouldn't feel up to it. I was both flattered and hurt. I know masturbation is normal, I know it's easy, and I know it doesn't compare to being unfaithful. But it hurt. I felt left out, and I felt betrayed. Why? Why does that hurt me? Why do I feel saddened, or even threatened by it? I expressed my feelings to him and he told me he never saw it that way and agreed it was taking away from our intimacy and said he would much rather get off with me than without anyway. I didn't tell him not to do it again, and he didn't say he wouldn't, but we basically agreed that sex would be between us both and nowhere else.

Fast-foward to some tough times in the relationship. We were going through A LOT of hard stuff external to our relationship that unfortunately took a toll on us. We were arguing a lot more. We weren't having sex as much (though still no less than once or twice a week). He got drunk and angry one night over a disagreement and left. I had NEVER snooped on his phone or computer (he kept a list of all of his passwords in the kitchen drawer for me and never once did I reference it), but in anger, desperation, and confusion, I did after he left (he took his phone but left his laptop). I found where he had been looking at porn. Not a lot, not always, but here and there, and some of it was pretty enlightening as to what he was into. The porn I could handle, but I also saw where he had emailed someone on craigslist the night he left. THAT freaked me out. We worked things out within the week, and again, had very heated, then loving, then heated, then loving coversations about all of it. He was open and honest about it, and more. When he came home he offered to allow me access to monitor all of his devices. NO. NO NO NO. I hated that I had even opened Pandora's box at all, and have no desire to be a brow-beating snoop. I need to TRUST him. I need to.

But here we are. As much as we've overcome, I am so afraid of being betrayed by him. I find myself asking him more than I'm proud of what he's doing when he's on his laptop or phone, and if I wake up and he's gotten up before me, I immediately wonder if he's been up to something. I take a moment to rationalize things, swallow it, and don't let on. He is trying to be understanding and knows I have a reason to question him, but let's face it--he hates it. He doesn't want to be questioned, and he struggles with getting defensive about it. I am pretty sure this is 95% my problem now and not his. Does this get better with time? Will I ever trust him fully? Will I ever be comfortable with him having complete privacy (at this point, I force myself to be ok with it because I know I need to be, but I'm not ok with it)? Help, please. I will make this man completely miserable if I don't fix this. I already am when it comes to this. :(

LivingWater 01/05/2017

Sadly, prostitutes, anonymous sex, internet porn, and solo masturbation are so common (perhaps universal) among men, that I call it "the male sickness". Sex addiction occurs in women too, but usually there is still some love in it. Either accept "the male sickness" and take what is good about this man--or leave him, become a lesbian, or enter a convent. Men are men. Take it or leave it. There is something I found disturbing about your post. You refer to "getting off" as a way to express reaching orgasm. That phrase, along with blow job, used to be used primarily by men but has seeped into the female vocabulary. Such ugly, crude terms are part of the male sickness. They come from the culture of prostitutes and porn. Another is "piece of ass". Men talk about women in those terms when they are together with other men. If a man uses any of those phrases in my company, I dump him. They show ugliness and disrespect. The male sickness is definitely NOT pretty. As I said, if his solo masturbation, Craig's List, porn, or language offends you, dump him. But don't expect to change men!

gregsbaby 01/05/2017

Yes you definitely have to nip your insecurities in the bud or he may leave. I speak from experience as I've almost pushed my man away on occasions all because of my insecurities from something he did way at the beginning of our relationship. If he's giving you all access to his devices then IMHO you shouldn't be feeling the way you do. I'd feel that way if he was doing the opposite like texting in the bathroom with the door closed, or if he's on the laptop he shuts it quick as you're approaching, and whatever else to be secretive and suspicious.

As for masturbation why don't you join him next time he does it so you're not feeling left out. Do the 69 that way you both get off through this way. Or start off with it and lead into sex, you know don't have him so aroused that he's about to ejaculate. For me I love seeing my guy do it because it turns me on even more!

Definitely work on those insecurities so you don't push him away. It sounds like he's a good man which are few and far these days; You guys have a good relationship!

sandpiper 01/05/2017

Thank you ladies! LivingWater, I like how you've put it. It is so accessible, and not so taboo anymore that it isn't likely to find a man who doesn't indulge in these things. As a matter of fact, I think if I were involved with one, I would worry he weren't healthy sexually either, and probably repressing something. So there's THAT conundrum. :-/ My boyfriend does not use the term "getting off" about anything with me, he uses that term when he talks about porn, or masturbation. And yes, I've heard the typical speech from him about how "men are men and they need to get off." He's never been one to degrade women, though. He's actually quite a fan, and incredibly respectful to and of women in general. It's one of his most admirable qualities. But by God, he IS a MAN, and thank goodness. All respect for whatever anyone is into or not into, but becoming a lesbian is no option for me. I looooooove me a man. So yes, you're right. This is one of those things I have to accept. Thank you!

GregsBaby, love your reply. I actually do join him, and it is something we do together. It turns me on as well. There's no issue there, and I think that's a lot of why I was butthurt when he went off to do it without me (while I was asleep or at work), because I did feel left out, like he desired something I couldn't give him. He's got a much higher sex drive than me (and I'm pretty proud of mine), so it's bound to happen he wants it when I don't. Thanks again ladies!

Amaranthine 01/06/2017

Hi. I think masturbation, solo or together can be complimentary to a relationship providing it doesn't affect his erectile function or take anything away from your sex life as a couple. Same with porn. He still desires YOU, so I wouldn't feel jealous/left out insecure about that.
But what was the Craigslist message about? Did you question him on it or have you decided not to, now that you're reassured?

koolman 02/01/2017

As a man, I can say that, occasionally, variety is the spice of life and porn provides that variety, thousands of women of all shapes, sizes and ethnicities, a mouse click away on the internet. But when I'm in LOVE with a woman, I only desire HER, and I actually annoy myself when I look at porn, so I generally don't. Every now and then, though, when she's tired or away or emotionally unavailable or we're not getting along, I will succumb to the temptation to "window shop", look at porn and masturbate to it. It doesn't contain any love or emotional depth, but it's superficial lust, visual stimulation, that provides a quick release of sperm. Unless he looks obsessively at the stuff every day and doesn't seem to have any desire or energh for sex with YOU, I wouldn't stress about it. I don't know if I'd call jerking off to porn "the male sickness", unless as aforementioned becomes a daily obsession, but used occasionally, to spice up life, it's definitely a male CONDITION.

Do you have any desire to watch porn with him TOGETHER? I must admit there's a prurient thrill about getting away with sneaking some porn viewing here and there not in the presence of my honey, but it's nice, and stimulating, when we watch it, and talk about what we like and don't like in other naked bodies, together.

deelishuz247 02/01/2017

If you love him you have to accept him for who he is. He is still with you sexually but he likes to have his own sexual liaisons by himself, totally normal. Watching porn may give him insight on things he may want to do to you. The masturbation is his own self gratification I

already59 03/12/2017

I'll say this you and your man need to get to the bottom of what is driving him. I find that most men with over whelming sexual behavior usually need to address the rooted cause. I say this because when my first wife and I divorced I didn't realize how deeply hurt I was, how deeply rooted that pain was. My actions were women were only good for sex and lived with that attitude and treated females that way for about 10 years. One day a female said to my "my problem is my ex, you are still carrying that hate inside you" of course I denied it. But one day it all came to head and I cried nearly all day. I had to admit it and since then my attitude has changed. The previous hurts are probably still with him and the problem with getting an orgasm has only added to his grief. If you can find out what is really driving him you more than likely get your answer.

already59 03/12/2017

@LivingWater I want to address your comment. You present this statement as “the male sickness “as if females are excused from this sickness. It is with and because of women that men are doing these things. Let’s not place the weight solely upon men. If you read the history of prostitution you will discover it began as a religious practice and a means of earning a living with both men and women being in agreement. When the abuses arose different culture enacted laws to control the practice. Many of the terms you hear men speaking began with the female prostitute they didn’t “seep into the female vocabulary” as you say. Though they are not nice sayings by any means, please understand where they came from. Also not all men refer to women in those terms. But when you consider the way women address themselves “I’m a bitch, you want some of this ass it’s gonna’ cost you” it’s no wonder men say the things they do concerning females. Also when you take into account how females dress does it really say to a man I respect myself when all but your nipple and areola is showing or when you sit down in your too short dress and that little patch of lace material covering your vagina is exposed, and yes I’m going to look! What does that say to men? When I worked for the prison system I was shocked to learn that many of the females including the married were selling themselves for rent money, car payments, bills paid, day care payments, you name it. Some of these same females invited me to their sex toy parties which one of them had every weekend. “Men are men” what exactly does that mean does it carry the same meaning as “women are women” in that we all have the “sickness”?
OK I would never tell anyone to “take it or leave it or except” the sickness. One should always seek help to resolve an issue and if it can’t be resolved then make a choice stay or leave. I’m not mad at you but at least offer some sincere advice people really are hurting.

Masao 03/14/2017

Sandpiper, I might suggest that you go with your gut and back off insisting on knowing all his activities with regards to sex. You, and he, deserve privacy - and space. Fearing that space is what drives us apart. Can I recommend a book / TED talk? Look up "Sex at Dawn" - a book written by two anthropologists about human sexuality - with the newest real science and facts. www.sexatdawn.com Some facts and science it reveals : Humans who insist on suppressing sexual desire and outlets, (their partners and their own) create the unhappiness that creates divorce and countless other neurosis. I am dealing with this myself now - the fact that I did not suppress my own sexuality but I had married a woman who would insist on monogamy - in every possible way - masturbation, porn... other women - all a big NO NO. This created the conditions for our split - and its unnecessarily painful.

People are sexual creatures and that is neither good nor bad. It is just a scientific fact. Enjoy it. And don't fear it. LOVE. Just LOVE. One person can never fulfill ALL the needs of another for LIFE. Its impossible - Our divorce rates prove it. Give each other sexual freedom - as hard as that is to believe - and you will have a longer relationship. This is the ironic hard to believe truth.

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