Healthy Sex Support Group
This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.
I am 45, married for 12 years. My husband and I are having some trouble, and it centers around my low sex drive. It’s been going on for years now, with ups and downs. I don’t think it’s a hormonal problem, although that’s on the list to get checked out.
I’m afraid that may have been born of the distance between us, and my fear of his reaction to me when I tell him something about him that I know he won’t be happy with. Throughout our relationship, we’ve had poor communication around sensitive issues. I can recall MANY times where I’m given the silent treatment for 3 days at a time (we are actually in one now, and on day 4). I hate how that sounds - I’m “given” the silent treatment. In order for silence to happen in this case, then neither of us are talking. I used to try to talk to him (after a long cool off period), but now I don’t. Is that wrong? I guess I feel that when he’s ready to end to the silence he will. Basically, I’ve grown into a robot of a woman. And I don’t feel like a woman. When we have sex, I feel like a failure of a woman if I’m not as into it as I should be...and that thought just adds more pressure on me to do better next time. Even more, when I feel that way, it HURTS. My husband just gets angry with me because I am not responsive. I’m not mad at his outburst. Yes, it hurts me, but I know that he is reacting out of hurt and humiliation. I have tried to explain this and tell him I love him, and I never meant to hurt him. It never ends well. We basically end up right back where we started - the problem is mine and I need to fix it. This does NOTHING but put more pressure on me the next time.
Any advice on how I can fix this? Does anyone have the same problems with their sex life as I do? My husband actually told me that he doesn’t even think I’m straight, which is hurtful. Not hurtful that someone could think I was gay, I have zero problem with gays. But that he couldn’t think that my lack of response had anything to do with OUR relationship, and that it was just my issue.
Thabks for reading my lengthy post. I look forward to any suggestions or affirmations that I might not be the only one who feels this way.
We used to do it. You seemed to enjoy it. What changed? Me? NO. It must be you. (You met someone else or just got tired of me)
or
You never really enjoyed it, you just made me think you did. In other words, you lied. (That is where the gay thing comes from)
So there is the caveman thinking.
I will tell you something funny, but I still sort of believe it. "If you don't like the food, you stop going to that restaurant". It really is that simple to us. Guys are not complicated. We are not thinking while staring, we are just watching the paint dry.
My wife and I have been together for 15 years. For the first few years sex was a frequent and varied part of our lives. Over time, and the birth of a child, my wife's libido waned and then shut down entirely. At first, I was hurt and mad and felt like she had to be lying about not knowing what was "wrong". I was resentful and frankly acted like a spurned teen. I am embarrassed to say that I once felt like this issue might end our relationship.
Now, over time, things swung back the other way. We were never the same as when we first got together but we were getting older and had a lot less time to ourselves so that was to be expected. For a while it was hot and heavy like it had been before and then it shifted back toward mediocrity.
This has gone on ever since. Our longest drought was 9 months with no sexual activity whatsoever. When we are active, the quality and variety plateaus for a while then slips back again. Sometimes the sex will be fairly bland and unenthusiastic, a lot of things will be off the table so to speak, and other times she'll be so into it that I can hardly keep up. We can be active for weeks or months and then fall back to nothing for a long while.
What I had to realize was, as a male with an active sex drive, I would never be able to understand someone not wanting or enjoying sex. To me, it always feels good and the end result is worth the effort. But my relationship with my wife is not about sex. I did not marry her because the sex was good. I love her and I have come to understand that she is not upset at me or punishing me. It isn't fair to say she withholds sex. She simply goes through periods of time where she is not at all interested in physical relations of any kind.
I think it is natural for someone who has a higher sex drive to have a hard time understanding and relating to someone who has little to know drive at all. It is hard to wrap your mind around someone who was once very active sexually becoming less active or totally inactive without some reason. But the reality is that the mind and body are complicated things and while this extreme off and on sex life may not be the "norm", it does happen.
I am very glad that I have taken the time over the years to actually research this a little bit. I have read forum posts and blogs, psychological evaluations and studies on sexuality. I decided sex, or the lack thereof, would not define my marriage. Do I get frustrated and upset sometimes? Certainly I do. And I am honest with my wife when she notices that I am dwelling on something and asks what it is. I make no attempt to guilt her into sex or pressure her to do any more than she is ever comfortable with. We have a dialogue about sex and just talking about it with her helps a lot. I struggle with my resolve sometimes but I will never jeopardize my relationship over it. Sex should never be an obligation.
Sorry if I got a little long winded there but I hope it helps in some way.
She didn’t want sex. So I just ignored her and went on with my life like she didn’t exist. Kind of a permanent silent treatment.
She told her Mom that the only time I was happy and spoke to her was after sex.
She said that I didn’t care anymore.
Oh, I cared but if she was holding out, then I didn’t need her.
Then we divorced because she had an affair. She said she needed someone to be with.
After the divorce, she told me that they don’t really have sex either but her boyfriend cares about her.
I’m sure glad she did me a favor. To me, a wife that doesn’t put out, doesn’t work, doesn’t cook or clean is useless.
I can cook my own meals and clean up after myself. All I couldn’t do was enjoy sex without a partner until I found the flesh light (male sex toy)
So be carful if you want to stay married. You might want to just do it to support your husband before he figures out how to replace you.