Healthy Sex Support Group

This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.

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Lack of sex drive...and its him.

susankal
susankal

I need help. I was in a prior relationship where my partner was constantly on me for sex and I didn't want it. I know now that it was bc I was falling out of love with him. I am now in a relationship where my sex drive is way stronger than my partner. He is 12 years older than me so often wonder if it is an age thing - 50. I have expressed my concern and he is receptive but things don't really change. We have gotten into a pattern where it seems to be Sunday sex day. But I want it more often. I love and respect him and I know he loves me but says that he has reached a point where he values our relationship more than sex. Ironically that is what I used to say to my X. The thing is everything else is pretty much perfect with us.  So I can't figure out if it is my insecurity that needs more than 1X a week (I am sure there are tons of people out there that would be excited if that could get it that often from their partner) or if it is something deeper. 


I have a pattern of pushing people away. Wish I could see through this and determine if I am "laying those bricks" again. 


Need advice. 

Joe100
Joe100
One issue that comes to mind is somebody that is a giver or a taker. A giver will gladly do whatever you want almost whenever you want. A taker will just take when they want something. One question is how is the sex. Is it one sided? Does he spend a lot of time trying to make sure your pleased or is it mostly about his pleasure? Are you sessions long or quick? How does he feel about his own body? Is there a way you can get him to spend more time doing strenuous activities or suggest it / gym / sports / etc. Sorry for so many questions and comments .. good luck.
already59
already59
As men get older, at least for some of us sex doesn't have the same meaning as it did when we were younger. The majority of relationships, for most men, are based on the sexual gratification first and then the relationship I will speak now of myself. When I was 18 to 45ish years old sex was a major part of my relationship with a female. I had to have it almost constantly and at any given moment or place. I was given to having sex while she washed dishes, cleaned, watching TV, for lunch, in the back yard, at the park, etc… Those were known as "quickies". I was fortune enough to have females that were willing to do those things and we both enjoyed them. Now that I am 60 what I find most important and satisfying is the fact that I have a relationship, a meaningful one. I now view the sex as my reward for having this wonderful relationship. What I am trying to say is he may not have the same young man view of sex as he once did although he enjoys it, it isn’t a priority. You on the other hand appears to wanting to get back what was missing in your previous relationship. All those missed opportunities. I suggest you and he try to find a mutual ground.
koolman
koolman
Sex drive does decrease in men after probably 25, whereas women hit their sexual peak at 40. Nature's cruel joke. I can say as a man over 50 that sex is still important to me when it comes to a woman, it's just deeper, slower, more loving sex than the jack-rabbit, wham bam thank you ma'am in and out quickies I used to crave in my late teens-early 20s. Just like everything else in a relationship, sexual compatibility is one of those things that needs to be worked out. Maybe it's a matter of him making TIME for sex, since sex at his age requires more time to get into.
susankal
susankal
He definitely makes it all about me, pretty much every time. He exercises and is healthy but his biggest issue is not sleeping well which makes him tired. He can fall asleep mid sentence in the evenings - pretty amazing. I have expressed my concern for wanting more intimacy but don't want to be too pushy about it b/c that was exactly what drove me away from my last partner. Talk about karma. Now I know how he felt.

I guess that is the thing that is confusing to me. I never was really into it until I fell for someone who wasn't as sexual. Now I want it all the time. Is it just that I want what I can't have or is it truly that I am hitting my peak at 38 and its all I can think about?

Maybe what I really need to know is how to talk to him about it without putting him on the defensive.
lb7268
lb7268
Not sleeping well.....does he have sleep apnea ?
susankal
susankal
No. Major issue with his neck/shoulder that he is working through.
doubleDmikey
doubleDmikey
Keep communicating... as we get older testosterone goes down so we need supplements ....viagra..Chinese herbs ...testosterone shot from doc etc.
Then maybe bring in some toys or outfits? Plan a sybaris or romantic trip....is he out doors type guy?
Secluded trip to wisconsin? I'm so used to being In you're shoes... getting her excited in the mood ....her drive disapeared totally.. so I really know what you're going through.....good luck!
7heaven
7heaven
Im in same boat. But i am 38 and he is 40. Been together 2 1/2 years and he stopped trying in the sex dept around month 7. Idk why and we have went to doc about it twice. He was in the military for 20 years and deployed about 10 times so he was in a bed alone alot and he just go used to it i guess. Not married prior so i go 6 weeks it sucks but everything else is great! Idk ive let it go after being upset about it the first 8 months or so. I juat deal with it. Had 2 Narcissist prior so he is amazing that he dont do those toxic things they did so i try to be bleesed regardless. Gained some weight from it i think cause it didnt matter if noone is looking.