Healthy Sex Support Group
This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.
Pardon, I need to rant right now...
I NEVER LIED TO YOU!
WHY do you not get it? You think you can "fix" me. You think you can work your ass off and I will *magically* decide you are worth shackling myself, chaining myself to!
It's pathetic, nauseating and manipulative, now...
You think it's ABOUT you!
Jesus, woman! I've never not lusted after multiple people! I've never been happy with one lover! EVER!
It's not horniness, it's not sex, it's...I feel that bond, that closeness with people, and I want to have sex with them!
If you want me to be monogamous you are asking me to never have friends again, because sooner or later, I'm going to have sex with them! Or REALLY REALLY want to, or get a crush on them...and then what??? I have to stop being friends with them???
I TOLD YOU ALL THIS! MANY TIMES!
AND IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, DAMMIT!
Why do you think MY need for sexual freedom means you are worth any less to me???
You are, or you WERE, someone I might have married!
I wanted to move in with you, I wanted to maybe adopt...
Fuck that, now.
I cannot trust someone who lies to themselves about something so huge!
You're making a relationship where I have to LIE to be accepted.
YOU DIDN'T TAKE ME AT MY WORD! WHY!
...Ok, had to get that out.
I NEVER LIED TO YOU!
WHY do you not get it? You think you can "fix" me. You think you can work your ass off and I will *magically* decide you are worth shackling myself, chaining myself to!
It's pathetic, nauseating and manipulative, now...
You think it's ABOUT you!
Jesus, woman! I've never not lusted after multiple people! I've never been happy with one lover! EVER!
It's not horniness, it's not sex, it's...I feel that bond, that closeness with people, and I want to have sex with them!
If you want me to be monogamous you are asking me to never have friends again, because sooner or later, I'm going to have sex with them! Or REALLY REALLY want to, or get a crush on them...and then what??? I have to stop being friends with them???
I TOLD YOU ALL THIS! MANY TIMES!
AND IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, DAMMIT!
Why do you think MY need for sexual freedom means you are worth any less to me???
You are, or you WERE, someone I might have married!
I wanted to move in with you, I wanted to maybe adopt...
Fuck that, now.
I cannot trust someone who lies to themselves about something so huge!
You're making a relationship where I have to LIE to be accepted.
YOU DIDN'T TAKE ME AT MY WORD! WHY!
...Ok, had to get that out.
But then I'M lying.
...I feel horrible about this...angry, sad, confused, and still very much in love.
Love alone doesn't make a relationship a strong, healthy one. It takes much more than love and one of the crucial parts of a relationship is wanting the same things in the relationship, wanting the same type of relationship, being on the same page with relationship expectations.
If she's wired for monogamy and it's what she needs but your wired for poly and that's what you need, I don't see monogamy vs poly as something that the two of you can compromise on and find a middle ground where you will both be happy, content and satisfied in the relationship.
If you ignore your needs or she ignores her needs, one of you will be unhappy and that will affect your relationship negatively. Neither of you is wrong or right for what you want, you're just very different with your needs
(Well that and I have to find where I buried my passport at. )
...I did some internet dating, and none of them were anywhere near the treasure she is.
But she's not wanted to look at my polyamorous nature. I can't talk about my bestie/love interest without her getting all angry and brain warpy.
She sees my poly-ness as if I'm saying "You just aren't good enough."
She IS good enough. She's freaking wonderful!
I LOVE HER!
But now I wonder how much of the affection she's been showering me with is her thinking if she's just *perfect*, I will magically become monogamous?
...So she sort of wavers back and forth from denial and bargaining...and I am beginning to suspect she *can't* accept me as I am...and I *can't* be what she wants...
So I can lie...and then the relationship isn't my home. Or I can keep being honest and causing arguments that set my PTSD the hell off.
...I am not going to stay after she has set me of the next time; that much I know.
That's not where your head is at and due to this, it won't be a successful relationship. Which is too bad because you DO love her.
I also have PTSD and it's my responsibility to prevent any triggers I do have control preventing. You are who you are, arguing about it isn't going change anything. I find it a waste of time and energy arguing with someone over who I am or having to defend myself, my needs, what type of relationship allows me to be "me".
You're in a difficult position because you do love her but no one should have to change who they are for someone else. As I said before, it takes more than love to make a relationship work and be a strong, healthy relationship. Along with other things, it also takes compatibility and the two of you are not compatible in your relationship needs.
...I don't want to end something that has been very good for us both if there's something to save, you know.
What is it you are trying to accomplish by lying and remaining in the relationship? Are you trying to keep from hurting her? Are you hoping that she will somehow change and suddenly accept you as being poly and want to continue the relationship anyway?
As angry as you are now at how she doesn't want to accept you as being poly, she will be JUST as angry with you if you continue in a relationship and refuse to acknowledge that she is monogamous.
I don't want my partner having sex with anyone else. I don't want std's, I don't want the possibility of partner wandering to the other person and abandoning me.
Sharing a partner is not for some people. It can end up causing trust issues, which in the end and fold the relationship. So even though you love her, do you really want to lie to her? Change for her? Be someone you are not for her?
Probably no to all of the above. I see your choice as changing or walking away. there doesn't seem to be a happy medium.