Healthy Sex Support Group

This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.

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mhoffman317 04/14/2018

Brand new to an online support thing. Feel embarrassed but I’m at my wits end. I’ve been married just a tad over a year and we haven’t had SEX for 5+months!!!!! I’m a 45 year old very attractive woman who has never been in this situation in the past. My husband is 58 but you would never think that to look at him. He is very active, hard working, high energy and 99.99% of the time appears happy. We’ve had a couple rough spots in our relationship but it pretty much stems from the lack of affection, intimacy, romance and communication. It’s causing me to feel jealous, horribly anxious, suspicious and downright depressed. I don’t nag him, I try to talk to him and I’ve been very patient. His reasoning is because “things haven’t been good with us in a while and sex is something that should be celebrated between 2 people who are in love”. WHAT?!?!? It’s not been perfect but who has a perfect relationship?!?!?! I say it’s a BS excuse!!!! Apparently when I express my feelings and question the lack of sex he thinks I’m being suspicious and accusing!! WELL WHAT WIFE WOULDNT?!?! In my heart I don’t think he’s cheating but I also don’t want to be naive either! I’ve been cheated on before about 10 years ago by the love of my life who SWORE he wasn’t and would never cheat! My anxiety is through the roof!!!!

A few nights ago I told him I no longer wanted to be in a sexless, romantic-less, affection-less marriage. I told him how it’s killing me inside and I didn’t sign up to have a roommate for the rest of my life. The next morning (4-12-18) he txtd me the sweetest message saying....

“Thank you for the talk last night. I did listen and I appreciate your honesty. And it was more helpful than you think. I really do love you”.

I was feeling pretty good, even though still NO sex until I decided to do laundry and found a pair of his boxers with semen stains on the outside!!!!!! They were put in a place that he doesn’t usually put his boxers and they were the only piece of clothing that was his. It was just really odd, trust me!!!

Now I don’t know what to do, how to feel, my stomach is in knots. I haven’t said anything and don’t know if I should. The fact that he’s masturbating has come up in the past and I’ve caught him doing it so I know our issue isn’t an erectile dysfunction thing. Thinking that he’s doing that behind my back and or possibly cheating is driving me crazy! Normally if we were having a great sex life I would love watching him or ask him about when he masturbates, but now just the thought makes me sick to my stomach!

Im just an emotional wreck

Salemgirl 04/14/2018

I am sorry to hear .. I to am going through something similar. . Too.. I am sorry to tell you I have no answer for ya .. Because I wish I did know a answer to this ! I am 52 and been married to the same man for 32 years .. we had a good sex life until the last oh 8 years . I am very sexual .. it's frustrating because we had this good sex going all these years . All he wants is a fast sex that's it .. you know and I know being women we need a bit more . And come on after all these years it's not good . I have never cheated but my craving is so strong lately it's sad to say I am thinking about it . I wish I had a answer for us both of us . I to am frustrated it's like he don't care about what I need .

mhoffman317 04/15/2018

It sucks!!! I have to say I am a bit jealous that you can say you’ve been married for 30+ years! I wish I could say that! But after a year? I feel like it’s too soon to be having issues like this.

mhoffman317 04/15/2018

I’m sitting up right now, another night gone by.....wasted makeup, wasted my time shaving and shattered hopes. I’m so done with this BS!!!!!
To some it may sound trivial, even ridiculous but I’m so lonely, I didn’t promise myself to a roommate!!!!
I swear I had a better sex life being single!!!!!!!

ladybirdblue 04/16/2018

I know we all have different stories but the bottom line is the same, we feel lonely and we want the romance back because we love our partners. All I can say is that the things I learned over the last few years is communication is everything. It’s important that you talk to your partner and to be careful that you’re not placing blame, try using non-violent communication (it’s worth a google) because you’ll will get so much more out of your partner this way rather than making them feel like they are on trial. There’s probably a bigger issue at hand, like depression or anxiety or stresses at work that your husband is going through but may not even realise himself. Just because he appears well doesn’t mean that his mental health is. I also wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that he is cheating either, lack of trust can kill a relationship fast. Take time to get to the core issue, see a couples therapist or a sex therapist...it’s worth a try.

veggiequeen 04/16/2018

Ladybird is right. We all have similar stories.

I agree communication is key. The thing is....more often even when I tried to explain how I was feeling, stbx would quickly turn it around on me .
I was made to feel like a sex fiend when in reality I am just human starving for affection.

Try to remember THEY are the ones with the problem. It is not anything you or I did or didn't do to cause the problem.

All we can do is try to tell them how we are feeling and encourage them to do the same...or seek help to find true root of the problem.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all struggling with this "crap"

finallyawakenow 04/20/2018

Eewww! I have Never judged on ds. Didn’t think I could, as I know everyone has their own issues and I can’t compare apples and oranges. But really? Anyway..... hi, I joined a discussion by dyinginside yesterday so I won’t repeat myself on my situation. Am pretty inspired to hear you ladies expressing your still intact libido! Gives me hope. Our (wife-LL+love of my life as I don’t like saying my wife every time) sex life was failing. Improving now, but ironically, we are going through menopause so I am being supportive and not pushing. Enjoying being close is enough for now. However, as we continue to build trust and intimacy, I’m hoping that we can get more spark back eventually. She has depression issues that I am praying she can address. I had, for a long time, let myself get thrown by the mood swings. I’m finally learning to love her through them and not to take them personally. In fact I now believe that it’s our only chance to save our marriage. And I really want to. I love her and her flaws. She thinks I’m crazy or needy that I stay with her and that drives me a little crazy. She just rebells againt the truth that I want to be with her through the bad days too. I think as she is beginning to see how committed I am for the right reasons now, it’s helping her to accept my love. I don’t want to live expecting my happiness to come in the future, that’s a trap I have walked into before. I am finding it on my own now, and sharing it. But I can’t help but to hope that the sex will improve. I hope I’m Not jinxing it became it is, slowly but sweet. Maybe I need to change my expectations. Or just continue to be patient and go with what’s working. Is there anyone who gets past the way years decline desire? I have but my situation is hard to repeat. Sort of like a near death experience. Jolted me right back! Anyway, sorry to ramble, I’m just trying to work this out and thought maybe some advice?? Guess I didn’t ask the questions that I really want answered. If answers exist! Are there any recommended books on getting the romance back? I love to read. Thanks. Ps I read all of your comments and I sympathize. Same boat different crew

mhoffman317 04/23/2018

I think the thing that bothers me the most is the fact that most everyone I know that had a SO stop having sex was because they were cheating. I know everyone is different but I can’t get it out of my mind!!!! The problems that are stemming from the lack of sex are unbearable!!! I try ALL THE TIME to calmly talk to him about this but it always gets turned around on me. I feel like a broken record. A naggy, whiney spouse. It’s destroying me!!! I cry all the time and my anxiety is sky high!!!

mhoffman317 04/23/2018

I appreciate everyone’s comments, I need help coping. I’m completely at a loss.

Msteele4555 05/24/2018

I have scrolled through your comments. I am not prying, but I am curious. The shoe is on the other foot for me. If I may, he is using this to control you and it is not healthy. He knows how you feel. You have said it out loud and nothing has changed. How much longer will you continue to allow yourself to be treated this way? I want you to stop trying to figure it out. You won't. Stop trying to force change. You can't. Take charge of your life today. Pack some things and get out. Don't do it to wake him up. Don't do it hoping he will change. Do it because you deserve better because you do. Take control of your life today. Start right now.

calirn13 05/25/2018

May I suggest go on a vacation. Just the 2 of you.. no cellphones, not internet... just go have fun! At least a week!
Before you say you can’t for what ever reason... how much is your marriage worth?

guy_with_questions 06/07/2018

mhoffman317, I am so sorry for your situation. It sounds absolutely awful. Being in a sexless marriage is so very hard. There have been a number of suggestions in the comments. I have none to make. What do you think you'll do? Is there one suggestion that seems better--or maybe just less worse--than the others?

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