Healthy Sex Support Group
This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.
My cousin and I are staying at a hotel tonight. I haven't seen her in so many years because when I got in this relationship he basically took my life away without me knowing. I feel so ashamed of myself because its obvious how much she loves me when I thought she hated me.
Just thought i'd give you all an update...
(a little sad because I had to leave my cat behind because he wouldnt let us take her.)
Just thought i'd give you all an update...
(a little sad because I had to leave my cat behind because he wouldnt let us take her.)
I am a little broken up about the cat since i had her for 14 years...
You may need help to get your head back together. He had you brainwashed for so long, you will need to find you again.. The new improved stronger wiser you.
You mentioned feeling ashamed, but please know you have nothing to be ashamed about. Isolating a person from ones friends and family is what abusers do. It is one of the first tasks they perform and it is how they gain most of their power of influence over their victim. They are subtle in their approach in getting what they want and they know how to exploit an opportunity to the fullest.
Please do not let negative thoughts enter into the mix right now. You are strong and you need to stay strong. You did nothing wrong, he did. Try and keep it all in proper perspective and not allow his past influence to control you any longer. It is time you live your life and not his.
It may not be easy to think positively all the time about what has happened but starting to realize who truly was to blame will head you in the right direction.
I am so sorry about your cat. That is another classic move on their part when they attempt to maintain a hold on what they realize they are losing by still trying to further influence the continuation of a toxic relationship through force. Even in the face of reality, they never learn.
The next chapter will be him trying to win you back. He will start to seem like a changed man. He will say he is planning to seek help or is in fact already getting help for himself to become a better person. He will make you promises that will seem too good to be true, and that will be because they are too good to be true. He can make grand promises to you now because he will have no intention of keeping then.
The most important thing for you to do right now is to avoid contact with him. Do not call him during any times of possible weakness, and do not respond should he call you. Every chance he speaks with you will be an opportunity for him to manipulate and abuse you further, even if you are unaware he is doing it. Many abused women fall into the trap of maintaining contact with their abuser in some way because it is a part of the influence from an earlier time, that being the one abused cannot live and exist without the abuser in their lives. But they can live and exist, and their lives can become their own and they can be happy.
I do not say these words because I read a newspaper article or saw a TV movie, I have seen it first hand. I have seen the period before the woman left her abuser, how the abuse escalated, and I have seen how the abuse continued long after she was basically free because she empowered her abuser to continue his manipulation through periodic contact. I was very close to the situation because I helped her escape and I continue to try and keep her safe.
Abusers never change, they just change their approaches in getting what they want until they win or they finally give up and move on to their next victim.
Good luck, stay safe, and continue to be strong.
I would like to make a few suggestions to you... Before I left my abuser, my Ex-fiancee for good... Here is what I did and it really helped me get the courage to leave. I felt very trapped in my situation so I stayed with him way too long. I got a journal and wrote down all the nasty names I could remember that he called me. I wrote down all the reasons he used to hit me. (6 pages front and back) He hit me for things like throwing away a dingy pot scrubber. I wrote down as many of the bad things I could think of that he had done to me. I suggest you do this while the stuff is still fresh in your head. I promised myself if I ever decided to go back to him I would read this journal first. The statistics say an abused woman leaves at least 8 times before she leaves for good. Please don't go back.
I also suggest that you get in Counseling. I left my abuser 2 years ago and I am still in Counseling. It has helped me so much! The YWCA has programs for battered and abused women. They have sliding scale fees according to your ability to pay. My town has a center for abused women and I have been given free Counseling for the last two years; that is something that I highly recommend to you.
Please let us know how you are doing.
Women's shelters can often point you in the direction of help for women in your situation - support groups (not the online kind), legal advice, decent housing, and more.
I don't envy the trip you're about to make because its so difficult, but congratulate you as you've made a huge first step. Welcome to the rest of your positive life!
There are many resources available for you, be sure to take advantage of everything you can. I hope you can retain your strength, and if you feel weak or vulnerable, jump on here and you know somebody will be able to offer you support, ideas or just a listening ear.