Some people would consider what he is doing "cheating " depending
on how strict your definition of the word is. I hate to tell you this but if he's doing these things behind your back now , he will probably end up physically cheating with someone eventually.

If you've told him these things bother you [ which they should] , and he wont stop, you might want to reconsider the marriage thing.

If you go into marriage without complete trust, you're opening yourself up for some serious heartache.

The fact that he keeps messaging this other woman would make me suspicious that he's up to something already...or at least trying to be.

At the time, I thought it was cheating and I was very hurt by his online scandal. We've talked about his fetish multiple times. I've asked to try to have normal interactions, where I could feel desired rather than the items of his fetish, but that hasn't happened in a very long time.

I don't have any other experience to fall back on. He's been my first and only sexual partner, so I don't know what normal is, but I'm pretty positive that this isn't it.

You are absolutely right this isn't normal. Look your both very young. Personally I would say go with your gut feelings. You can not build a life together if he is already look to destroy that life and it will happen if he dosnt change. You cant make him change either so no matter what you tolerate and put up with it will eventually take over his life and he will cheat.

In my opinion what is normal in a lasting relationship/marriage and sex life. Is two people working together to satisfy each others sexually as well as mentally and emotionally. I refer to it as making love as I feel SEX is what animals do for procreation. Humans are animals too and yes we do have sex (meaning very little emotional feeling for a partner and just the physical act of getting off). Making love on the other hand is taking the time to please and satisfy your partner. Making them a priority and not just the short moment of having a orgasm.

Maybe you should give him a taste of his own medicine? I would seriously be rethinking the marriage if I was you.

Best of luck !

Do not marry this man.

He has some serious issues to work out.

You need a very long engagement or he needs some help.

Not a solid foundation for a lifetime together, which is can only last that long with love, respect, open and honest and regular communication, and trust.

I am sorry you are going through this and at such a bad time, but better to go through the motions now than when married. This needs a resolution before you move forward, with or without him.

Everything outside of sex has been perfectly fine. We're very open with each other about everything. I have a medical condition that has landed me in the hospital 4 times in the last 7 months. He's been by my side supporting me through medical illness, after medical illness.

He's been loving and supporting. Outside of this problem, he's been great. I love him and he loves me.

I just don't know how to fix this problem.

You can't fix it, he has to fix it, but does he really want to?

Agree with onetoomany. You have told him how you feel about it, and his solution is secrecy. That doesn't seem to work for you (understandably so).
Either you choose to respond differently and lie to yourself that it doesn't bother you, or he needs to knock it off. What happens when talking to these strangers doesn't do it for him anymore?

Run and don't look back - he doesn't seem like the person for you. Anything you can't tell your spouse/partner is considered cheating.

There is nothing wrong with kink/fetish sex/play as long as both parties agree on what and how things are being done. There are many people on this site who participate in that, but they all have a safe word and if the partner does not abide by the safe word, then something in the relationship is askew.

Don't let yourself get involved in a permanent relationship that is going to be difficult to get out of, or you will end up on the Break Ups and Divorce page asking questions on how to get out of a horrible relationship.

If it doesn't seem right or comfortable to you, then its not.
If that person on facebook really doesn't want to talk to him, then she would either remove him as a friend or hide all posts from him - something isn't right in that situation either.

if you are snooping on his phone and or computer, it shows you don't trust him and have questions about what he is doing. That in itself is a red-flag..

My suggestion is to back away from the relationship. See how that goes and maybe if you both come to an equal understanding you can resume a relationship. Don't ever jump into a marriage if you have questions about the relationship. Don't do it because you have the date picked out, or the venue deposit put down.. Those are insignificant matters in a persons whole life plan.

I wish you much luck with this situation.

I wish my red flags appeared to me before I spent 26 wasted years with the &@#*%. When I found out what he had been doing, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Don't let it happen to you. Remedy the problem now.

You may find responses to a very similar post illuminating at here:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infidelity/forum/21403873-internet-sex-chats

Thank you everyone for your replies. I was worried about the responses, because I knew exactly what everyone was going to say, I just don't want that to be the reality.

I made the joke of saying I go through his phone when he's asleep the other day (I really do not do this) and he took it as I was 100% serious and changed the password on his phone. It really was suspicious. He said he isn't hiding anything and I shouldn't be going through his phone ever. (I can see wanting privacy but I just don't trust him esp when this is his response.)

I asked to let me see his phone and he wouldn't let me hold it, instead he held it and asked what I wanted to see so bad. He said he isn't hiding anything but he does vent about me to his brother and his friends. So I really am lost. I feel like I'm the wrong one, maybe I am?

I asked about the girl he keeps messaging and he said it wasn't at all sexual. And he said he casually looks at everyone's pictures and it's not a big deal.

He said he's been looking at porn more because I've been sick and unable to be intimate. And he says it helps when he's stressed. Or he wants to do it when he's bored. Which is understandable I just wish he'd give me at least 10% of the attention he gives himself. Makes me feel like shit when he prefers his hand, his fetish items, and porn rather than the real-flesh-and-blood person who he claims to love.

OMG.. he is an excuse king...
I'm not saying that he is, but do some research on sociopaths.. They can seem like regular people - but they aren't..
One classic trait is making the other person feel like they are going crazy or that they are wrong for feeling a certain way...Or they do everything wrong.

Squeaky:
Asking about this very sensitive topic and allowing strangers a peak into this private part of your life was a very courageous thing to do, and it just underscores the urgency of this problem.
This sounds like a very emotionally exhausting game and certainly not suitable for marriage; you alluding/teasing about keeping tabs on him, him making (excuse me but) the LAMEST bullshit excuses that have me embarrassed for him, you constantly second-guessing yourself,.. It appears you feel you have to constantly keep both eyes on him and let him know as much--how long do you think you can keep that up? Because ideally a marriage is for a lifetime.
I hope I am wrong about this, but it looks as though he has you convinced that you are at fault for not finding this behavior acceptable? You said you are starting to feel that you are not the one--that may be but the fault does not lie with you. Anyone, man or woman would find this selfish and perpetually dishonest behavior intolerable.
He strikes me as a liar. A big one.
Finally, in your post you wrote that he blames you as not wanting him to be happy. Once again he turns the tables and makes you out to be the bad person, using guilt. TOXIC! I also want to add, that as a recovered addict, that is a STAPLE response for a using addict when a loved one addresses their problem.
If you don't trust him (I and sounds like no one else here don't blame you), that is your instincts waving red flags, sounding alarms. Listen to them. When I ignored them, I paid dearly for it: a heartbreak so bad I thought I was actually going to die in my sleep each night.
At the VERY LEAST post-phone the wedding, and tell him why and that you want to explore options to get over this, like couples counseling (you said you want to fix it and while it's his job, this is a good start). If he refuses, then you have your answer on two accounts: 1. He hasn't stopped 2. He doesn't value your relationship enough to do what it takes to save it.