Healthy Sex Support Group

This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.

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JayVee74 12/13/2021

Hello,

I am hoping to talk to some people in regards to severe anxiety and depression involving sex. Long story short, my wife and I explored a non-monogamous lifestyle for around 6 months. The idea was originally mine, I am bisexual and wanted more experiences, however as time went on I found myself more and more uncomfortable. I could not quite pin down why, I gave a lot of reasons and excuses that I am not sure are true anymore. Roughly six months ago things came to a precipice and we stopped the lifestyle on my request. My wife and I had some disagreements and some hurtful situations happened as a result in which she was non-monogamous without me. As time went on I felt guilty and shame in the actions we had taken, I began to feel that sexual experience should not be so casual and should remain private. My wife does not agree, she is much more open and came to enjoy the lifestyle tremendously

Within the last month or so I have become insanely anxious about sex. I cannot seem to see it talked about on TV or in a song so casually. My body becomes physically ill and tense on the topic of sex. There was a comedian on TV talking openly and proudly about their sexual encounters, or people (men and women alike) proudly calling themselves sluts.

I legitimately do not understand this, or how this is something positive. I come to find I have a tremendous amount of shame about sex and I do not know where it comes from. Society and my mind are telling me I should not have issues with sex, be sex positive, support my wife's wants and needs, and be open. However the physical feelings in my body make me feel that sex should be something special between two people, an action of vulnerability and trust, that it isn't right in the slightest to be so casual about sex. I have never understood one night stands or hook-ups, and I have issue even hearing the topic mentioned in passing now.

I am not sure how to move on or recover. My wife wants to be able to explore her sexuality, but I cannot mentally handle it without seemingly losing my mind in a downward spiral. In these moments I feel that I should be enough for her and the fact she sees sex so casually will hurt me extremely deeply, it makes me feel like I am nothing special.

I have the conflicting views that I wish my wife only wanted me, yet I know that isn't reasonable, yet that is how I feel about her so I know it is possible. I just need to talk to people about this, I love my wife more than anything in this world and I do not know how to get through this.

Thank you.

urbangardener 12/14/2021

Welcome to the forum and I am sorry your distress is so overwhelming. I think we have to figure out where our shame comes from, perhaps sit down with pen to paper and write out some of your memories or ideas. Don't censor yourself, just jot down some ideas. Counseling can help you but I would think you need someone who specializes in sexuality. I have heard of stories like yours, in which the marriage or partnership was opened up to other sexual partners and there was conflict within one partner who decided this was not what they wanted after all. Some people think having an open marriage is a good idea, others see the potential destruction it can bring. I just wanted to say your feelings about now NOT wanting an open marriage are common from what I have heard. So don't tell yourself you are bad for changing your mind. Don't label yourself negatively and cause more shame. You have to decide for yourself what is right for you, just as your wife will be doing so. And I hope others will give you better information than I can.

JayVee74 12/14/2021

Thank you very much for taking the time to respond, I think I big step I need to take is finding the root of this shame. I was never abused nor was I raised very religiously, I remember being very sexually curious as a child, and I am not sure at what point that turned into something else.

koolman 12/29/2021

Thus enters the morality of sex. This is Biblical. The Bible very clearly states the spiritual comfort that comes from monogamy and the spiritual dangers of sexual promiscuity that you're experiencing. After all, sex is not just flesh meshing, but minds, hearts and souls.

I too have never been able to enjoy a casual fling (without being racked with a tremendous amount of anxiety and depression). It's the most private thing, allowing another person (or people) into one's most intimate thoughts, feelings, desires and fantasies. I too have learned that I have to really like and trust a person before I allow them into my inner fantasy world.

Maybe it's GOD (and yes, I do believe there is a God) telling you that indeed sex is something sacred between one man and one woman. Since you opened the door to this promiscuous lifestyle with your wife, in effect creating a monster, and she continues to enjoy it while you have learned you don't, it might be time to take a step back, reassess the wedge that this has created in your marriage, and whether you want to remain married to a person who regards sex so casually.

I'm curious to know what it was that made you want to pursue sexual promiscuity in the first place. Boredom?

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