Healthy Sex Support Group
This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.
I am new to this group and wanted some advice on my sex life and my marriage.
I am 29 years old and so is my husband. We have been together for 11 years, no children, and yes we were each other's first. My husband is my only sexual partner, but he had an affair 2 years ago so he has another experience that I do not.
We are trying to work on our marriage, and to be honest it could really go either way. He is away for a week at a wounded warrior camp to talk to counselors and work on himself. He is a 100% disabled veteran, with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Traumatic Brain Injury. He often has nightmares of the stuff he experienced in war, he was a medic so the guys he could not save weigh heavy on his mind.
Basically this relates to our relationship because the boy you send to war twice, comes back a different man afterwards. Our counselor says because of his having to go put emotional feelings aside and go into basic survival mode that it has caused him to be unable to make emotional connections in lasting relationships. He did have to kill 8 people in Iraq, and this lays heavy on his conscious.
For the past 2 years he has been at home, with no job. He tried school, but felt too old. So I know he is lacking purpose and direction in his life, and is just lost. He basically waits for me to come home from work, and that is not healthy. I know if this does not change, we will have no choice but to divorce. He has been talking about going on a road trip to the different national parks by himself, but don't know what that means for our relationship. I don't mind supporting his independent side, I just don't agree if that means other sexual partners, which he says it has nothing to do with that.
He says he loves me like a best friend, and does not want to lose me, but has trouble loving me as wife, saying that he will never love me like I deserve and it is not my fault. He seems to be addicted to the newness and passion of a new relationship, but once it fades wants to move on. I fear that him having an affair has kind of awakened a sexual hunger in him, that me as his life partner and only partner will not be able to satisfy- because he wants more experiences, or so I think.
We still have a pretty active sex life, or so I would think, but again I have nothing to compare it to .We have sex almost everyday unless I am on my period. We were watching some adult movies the other night and we started openly talking about sex more and what we like. I happened to ask the question if he and the other woman made videos together and he responded yes. It didn't really hurt my feelings I would say, it gave me a sense of inferiority in the bedroom. I felt insecure about how he was with someone else that offered him things in bed- like she offered a 3 some, he didn't take her up on it, she is very vocal in the bedroom (I suck at dirty talking), made videos, she has nipple rings, etc. I just found myself comparing myself to her and I felt extremely inexperienced and insecure.
I do have a connection with my husband that I do not feel I will find anywhere else, but again he is my only partner. Sometimes I feel that i am holding him back from a life where he can experience multiple women by jumping from relationship to relationship, and with us both turning 30 within 6 months, I am sure this weighs heavily on his mind also.
I am open to things in the bedroom. We have done anal, and he enjoys being physical- such as spanking, and I don't know if this is odd, but I go along and it doesn't bother me because I trust him- but he smacks my face sometimes and one time choked me gently as he came. I know he has a sexual hunger he is trying to feed. He is very much into porn and sexy photos of women. It doesn't bother me, I just hope he isn't expecting me to look like a porn star or model, because I am not in any case one of those.
We are taking time to ourselves, just for these two weeks he is gone, to really search to see where our relationship is headed and what we want from the relationship, plus just life in general. We are also open to the idea of a separation, but at this point, i fear divorce would probably make more sense. I really don't know which way it could go, my husband is very hot and cold.
I go to pick him up from the airport at midnight and thought about wearing something provocative and initiating sex. I have my pampering appointment the day before, and I always get a brazilian wax, he loves that- but honestly its more for me, lol. I have a problem with initiating, because I fear rejection, especially after his affair. I don't know if it would be inappropriate considering the hot and cold state of our marriage. Even though we agreed not to talk, he texted me when he landed: "Mmmm I think of you everyday and love you always and forever." I think he means those things, but sometimes I personally wonder if he is "faking it, until he makes it" kind of thing.
I have been married for so long, and I guess so in love with my husband, that I honestly very rarely even notice other men. When I think about being with someone else in the bedroom it makes me feel dirty or self conscious. I don't know if any of these feelings are normal, or if I am just a crazy person. Any advice would be appreciated.
I am 29 years old and so is my husband. We have been together for 11 years, no children, and yes we were each other's first. My husband is my only sexual partner, but he had an affair 2 years ago so he has another experience that I do not.
We are trying to work on our marriage, and to be honest it could really go either way. He is away for a week at a wounded warrior camp to talk to counselors and work on himself. He is a 100% disabled veteran, with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Traumatic Brain Injury. He often has nightmares of the stuff he experienced in war, he was a medic so the guys he could not save weigh heavy on his mind.
Basically this relates to our relationship because the boy you send to war twice, comes back a different man afterwards. Our counselor says because of his having to go put emotional feelings aside and go into basic survival mode that it has caused him to be unable to make emotional connections in lasting relationships. He did have to kill 8 people in Iraq, and this lays heavy on his conscious.
For the past 2 years he has been at home, with no job. He tried school, but felt too old. So I know he is lacking purpose and direction in his life, and is just lost. He basically waits for me to come home from work, and that is not healthy. I know if this does not change, we will have no choice but to divorce. He has been talking about going on a road trip to the different national parks by himself, but don't know what that means for our relationship. I don't mind supporting his independent side, I just don't agree if that means other sexual partners, which he says it has nothing to do with that.
He says he loves me like a best friend, and does not want to lose me, but has trouble loving me as wife, saying that he will never love me like I deserve and it is not my fault. He seems to be addicted to the newness and passion of a new relationship, but once it fades wants to move on. I fear that him having an affair has kind of awakened a sexual hunger in him, that me as his life partner and only partner will not be able to satisfy- because he wants more experiences, or so I think.
We still have a pretty active sex life, or so I would think, but again I have nothing to compare it to .We have sex almost everyday unless I am on my period. We were watching some adult movies the other night and we started openly talking about sex more and what we like. I happened to ask the question if he and the other woman made videos together and he responded yes. It didn't really hurt my feelings I would say, it gave me a sense of inferiority in the bedroom. I felt insecure about how he was with someone else that offered him things in bed- like she offered a 3 some, he didn't take her up on it, she is very vocal in the bedroom (I suck at dirty talking), made videos, she has nipple rings, etc. I just found myself comparing myself to her and I felt extremely inexperienced and insecure.
I do have a connection with my husband that I do not feel I will find anywhere else, but again he is my only partner. Sometimes I feel that i am holding him back from a life where he can experience multiple women by jumping from relationship to relationship, and with us both turning 30 within 6 months, I am sure this weighs heavily on his mind also.
I am open to things in the bedroom. We have done anal, and he enjoys being physical- such as spanking, and I don't know if this is odd, but I go along and it doesn't bother me because I trust him- but he smacks my face sometimes and one time choked me gently as he came. I know he has a sexual hunger he is trying to feed. He is very much into porn and sexy photos of women. It doesn't bother me, I just hope he isn't expecting me to look like a porn star or model, because I am not in any case one of those.
We are taking time to ourselves, just for these two weeks he is gone, to really search to see where our relationship is headed and what we want from the relationship, plus just life in general. We are also open to the idea of a separation, but at this point, i fear divorce would probably make more sense. I really don't know which way it could go, my husband is very hot and cold.
I go to pick him up from the airport at midnight and thought about wearing something provocative and initiating sex. I have my pampering appointment the day before, and I always get a brazilian wax, he loves that- but honestly its more for me, lol. I have a problem with initiating, because I fear rejection, especially after his affair. I don't know if it would be inappropriate considering the hot and cold state of our marriage. Even though we agreed not to talk, he texted me when he landed: "Mmmm I think of you everyday and love you always and forever." I think he means those things, but sometimes I personally wonder if he is "faking it, until he makes it" kind of thing.
I have been married for so long, and I guess so in love with my husband, that I honestly very rarely even notice other men. When I think about being with someone else in the bedroom it makes me feel dirty or self conscious. I don't know if any of these feelings are normal, or if I am just a crazy person. Any advice would be appreciated.
You are underestimating your sexual strengths. You are NOT inexperienced. You have been plenty open to trying new things and sound like you enjoy sex.
You should be expecting him to please you more instead of worrying about the reverse. Confidence is a turn on.
You are by no means inexperienced, just because you have only had 1 sex partner means very little. You are very experienced and because of your time with him, have been able to open up in ways many cannot.
Do you trust your husband now or do you think he would if presented with the opportunity, cheat again? That can drive your security so low and make you feel very inadequate when truly you are not.
I am going to say this in the nicest way I know how... But I believe it is your husband who is inadequate at this point. Not to bad mouth him but if he looked else where and still may not be sure if he loves you totally as a wife, that is something deep within him, not you. Maybe its the war, maybe it is him looking for freedom, who knows. But this is something that needs to be fixed within him, not you. Even in doing all the things this other woman did, I do not think that would change him because again, its not YOU, its him.
So many men would be so blessed to have you sweetie, chin up, you are absolutely beautiful!
my bf and I had a ltr for our first yr and a half..n sometimes he would arrive in the middle of the night ..I remember and dam do I miss when I would curl my hair all purrrty before I got in bed n would be so careful not to roll around in my sleep so when he called at four am for me to go get him I could just touch it up and id put on my minniest mini skirt n some sexy thigh highs n a hot pair of heels...he would come out to the parking lot to find me all hot and sexy leaning on the hood of my car waiting for him
he would just fall on me in a deep deep kiss...
(5 yrs has kinda taken those moments away from us but I sure do miss them)
it would have definitely sparked a flame inside of him to be surprised like that
slowly start to try new things... ease into dirty talk. it feels so silly at first u might laugh at urself but when u see how hot it makes him ull begin to experience a sense of dominance and sexiness and ull start to enjoy and dive right into the naughty mouth
my bf chokes me sometimes too...smacks me sometimes
hell he used to literally spit in my face if he got too excited. cant say I liked that much lol but I did like turning him into the animal he is
It seems your husband is looking for ever-greater thrills, and those thrills scare you and make you feel inferior. It seems you two have drifted apart. I dunno...living as husband and wife may not be doable anymore...but I'm glad you two both want to maintain the friendship...while you go look for a slightly "softer" man who doesn't need to choke a woman when he gets off.
Good luck.
he needs to get out of the house. there are many organizations he could join that could be stepping stones to a job. He needs more structure in his life. I wish you both the best. No matter what is going on with him, he should not cheat on you. It's wrong.