Probably also helpful to say that we had previously discussed an open relationship, but I don’t feel like it is something we should attempt when our own relationship is in a rocky place. Also, he does not want me to see anyone else.

He wants to see other people but doesn’t want you to see other people. If you don’t want that or like that, then don’t see him.
What’s the alternative? You said it yourself it’s not healthy. So my advice is cut your losses and move on. Or stay and feel less than.

I don't want to be blunt but forget this guy, Its one thing he wants an open relationship and if you were up for that you still wouldnt be allowed to see someone else, How is that fair? Ditch him, you deserve better and someone who wants you and only you

To be blunt, it's usually not good for a woman to be say one of 3 women your boyfriend is sleeping with. The sense of togetherness, trust, meaningfulness is lost. Unfortunately, there are a fair number of women (and some men) who get validation by how much other people value something and its unattainability, the restaurant that's unavailable most nights, the clothes stars wear.

I think you should work on your self-esteem, trying to know and understand yourself, and seeing whether this guy really fits and why you're so attracted to him.

I have a family member, a guy, who is attractive and personable, Each time we're at his house, there seems to be another girl who happens to drop by and say hello. At a sporting event, sure enough, some woman, kind of regular decides to approach him and I was saddened, there were probably many guys who would have appreciated the approach, and why did she pick someone unattainable, like the guy who decides to approach this model who also has 10 other guys trying to date her, takes her out for a 500 dinner .and show, and she gives him a peck on the cheek and then is unavailable.

If he truly wanted to be with you he would be and leave the other woman .
You have 2 choices
1.leave him and be happy yes you will hurt for a while but in the end you’ll be happy
2.stay and be miserable

Regardless of the mistakes you made don’t let that define you or make you think you don’t deserve to be happy .

He will continue to hurt you for as long as you let him because he’s getting what he wants and doesn’t care about anything else but what he wants

Thanks so much to everyone for the advice and input. I know you’re right. It is just really hard, because before all this happened we were really good together and we were good for each other. He helped me overcome issues I had because of trauma I went through and he is the kind of guy that I passed up my whole life because I was always looking for someone better. This is what gets me, he is a genuinely good and kind person. And this is so unlike him. I think I “broke” him when I left him to see if I could work it out with my ex.

I guess I feel like I keep making these bad decisions and then end up hating myself for them. Before this I was single and pretty happy for almost 3 years. But where I live now and with COVID having a social life when you’re single is pretty difficult and ends up being pretty lonely.

I am just not sure how to move on. And how to let go of the first person I “let in” after being closed off for a long time. He was my best friend too. So it feels like I’m losing much more than just another guy.

I do have another question… if I am the reason he is different, because he is maybe still feeling hurt and rejected, is there any way to ever get back to where we were?

Steph, something is wrong and you are painting it rosy. Something was wrong enough that you reacted over some issue and you two split up. Maybe that wrong is inside of yourself or maybe that wrong is inside of him or maybe that wrong is both of you. So first off, stop saying to yourself he is the perfect man and you love him so much. What you love is the idea of having him as your love.

On the other hand, he has created the open relationship he wanted. There are two women vying for his attention and affection. Wow, think of how that must stroke his ego. Hope you guys use very good protection.

Please know he is not really "so hurt" as now he has the open relationship. He is telling you how hurt he is because it is manipulation and control. I have dealt with a lot of people who are self absorbed to the pathological and so I share this with you. Good people get snookered by these people. They create false relationships and can walk away on a dime. Because they lack the capacity to truly connect and love another human. Instead they use humans.

So why would you even want this user guy to get back to being your number one? If you see him with less rose colored fantasy and more reality and you work on your own need for validation and love, you will find a real man who is capable of a mutual relationship. This dude will never be capable of a mutual relationship.

So this one isn't going to ever work out and if you love yourself or value yourself, you will cut ties with him and see this as simply a life lesson or learning lesson. Now you know how he truly is, a narcissistic (self absorbed) type guy. And perhaps you are codependent in that you have to have a man to feel okay about yourself, even if that man treats you badly and wants to be "open" and have other lovers. Narcissistic types often work it so the other person is their instant best friend, they use people, and then eventually the relationship sours. He wasn't really your best friend like you think, That wise mind perhaps came out when you broke up with him. Now you blame yourself for losing such a perfect guy -- but, who wants to be second or third on his string and never feel good enough? You were his best friend for the moment and now you have a good lesson of types of people to avoid having love relationships with. Now you will be wiser and more self respecting.

How you move on is get more educated about narcissism and codependence. I would suggest the book The New Codependency by Melody Beatty for yourself and do the exercises at the end of each chapter. Learn to know yourself and love yourself and heal yourself. You speak of trauma in former relationships. As long as we are focused on those who don't love us or aren't capable of love, then we will not be focused on the good in our lives. As long as we must have someone else's love or validation, we never feel right in our skin. To stop ruminating on him and the fantasy, start a journal of your feelings and hand write on paper each evening. Also find 3 things to be grateful for that day that do not involve him. Even simple things like the rain stopped or the coffee was nice and hot for once. If you want it, a better man will come along once you stop your focus on this man and how you are to blame. You are not to blame for making this relationship sour -- reality hit and your wise mind came knocking. Tell yourself positive things about yourself and how your backing away from him probably saved you years of stress and grief and maybe an STD or two. Stop with the pity party and start with the self validation. Because you are a good human being and you will recover and come out the other side wiser, stronger, and capable of a true mutual relationship. Not one where you are always one down or on slick ice with him. Never knowing if he prefers another woman or is having a side chick in secret. He likes to have multiples and do whomever he wants whenever he wants and yuck.

Hi there urbangardener. Wow! Thanks. That is a lot to process.

I hear what you are saying… and having been in relationships with narcissistic men in the past, including my own father, I can say that this guy as a whole does not fall into this category. But you are correct, the way he is behaving is definitely trending in that direction. And wether he is or isn’t clinically narcissistic, he is behaving in that similar way.

He is using my mistake to manipulate the situation into what he wants. Regardless of how I feel about it.

I know I need to work on myself, and I will check out that book you recommended and hopefully it will do me some good. :) Or help me do some good for myself!

I just hate this feeling. And what I am also afraid of is that this whole situation is making me shut out the idea of love again. It took so much for me to open myself up again. And I don’t know if I can do it again.

Steph,
maybe your feelings for him are more entwined with your regrets over the 'mistake' you made, or your loneliness being in a new country. Maybe he is assuming more importance than he would ordinarily have because of these things.
Take a step back and try to let your feelings calm down. Maybe then you will rationally see something you haven't seen so far. Withdraw from chasing him and focus on yourself and what you need. He is not the only person in the world who can alleviate your loneliness. Seek out friendships and family relationships that can nurture your soul.

I don’t think this has anything to do with him, quite honestly and whether he is a narcissist or not is unknown (this is a very misused/overused adjective these days). He may be a jerk but that doesn’t literally make him a narcissist.

But regardless, I think it’s a misdirected use of your energy and time trying to understand him. This isn’t really about him. Invest that energy and time understanding yourself and growing so you don’t find yourself with men who don’t value you.

I think that you need to give yourself the respect and kindness that will help you to heal

It sounds like you're really unhappy so why would you stay in a relationship that only brings you pain...

Big hug... I hope that you can find your way out and give yourself the kindness that you deserve ... xo

Thanks guys, I think the advice on focusing on myself is helping immensely. I won’t lie, letting go of him is still hard, but I am at a point now where I am putting myself first and I am determining if and how the relationship goes forward.

Everyone may be right, he does not value me as much as he should. I do deserve better, this I know. But ironically, me being my independent, strong self again, has drawn him to me. But I will be the one deciding whether I do give him the chance to be better and also determining the course of things. After I have worked on me for a bit.

Thanks for bringing it back into perspective. I tend to fall into a kind of “victim” mentality. But I am feeling a little more like my strong self again and am trying to make better decisions, that are right for me. :)

Good for you! Yes it’s hard to let go but you can have those feelings and still continue to move forward with taking care of yourself. Over time it will get easier.

You deserve to love yourself first and be your own best friend. I echo the "good for you!" as you are gaining a new or changed perspective. We can be in the falling in love part of a relationship and still find it isn't healthy one for us. Some of us are so focused on fixing the other person that we lose ourselves. But we have to come first in that self love department or we can't find outside love with another healthy human being. Big hugs to you.