Hi.

Unbiased opinions: LOL. Good luck.

Before I can answer that question, it would help to know what the fights are about. If they're about nothing more than control over the relationship, then yes, I think the relationship may be what's making you miserable, and maybe you're better off alone. If they're about something external, maybe it can be worked out, if you're both willing to budge, compromise.

Thanks for the reply. Honestly we argue about a lot of different things. It could be about our future, about my bad habits, his bad habits, family, etc. While we argue a lot, we do have happy times, too.

I guess I should also add that I've had a bit of a crush on another guy for several months. I would never act on it, and honestly he is just an acquaintance...I don't know him well at all so I think I like the idea of someone new as opposed to actually liking him.

I hope I'm making sense/ giving enough detail.

Yep, perfect sense, and from everyone else's stories I've been reading around here as well as my own experiences, those fights, where couples nit-pick each other's perceived "faults", are OH so common in full-time, long-term living together cohabitations. I'm of the opinion periodic breaks, not break-ups, but just breaks, maybe two weeks off every few months, are needed, to break up the tedium of day-to-day cohabitation and make you miss each other, give each other time to forget all those perceived "faults", and get back on that fond euphoric high that started the whole relationship so you can come back together fresh and new again. Would that be practical for you two or do finances prohibit it?

If you are having thoughts about another guy, to me this is a sure sign that your relationship is dying. When people are together for a long time ( which 3 years is really not) shit happens, yes people think about other people, but it is because they have been together way too long and then they recognize it as an issue and work on the cause.
You are in a different place, different time line. If you have such terrible fights, it is not good for you.
I know some people manage to stay in the reltionship while fighting, but I am immediately turned off by that. I won't even date a guy who call me a name or freaks out for no reason.
I agree with Koolman - you need a break from this relationship.
Do you really want to raise kids in this environment?
You know what it is like to have depression. Children who grow up in aggressive families all have issues, really bad ones.
Hope you will be able to get some insight on therapy and improve things :-)

I understand your point - is it me , or is it the situation/relationship.

I have been there too. In fact the last two years I have been there. I decided to work on me and find out.
SO here I am and what have I learnt?
Well that I can choose. And choosing is the most important part because if you cannot make a decision about the relationship then it is definitely a NO! by the very fact that it should be a definite YES to the relationship.
I am interested in this thread as I have so many times asked the same question.I think the point is also that it isn't necessarily you or him but just the way you combine. It just is what it is, and that isn't enough. x

If you are depressed and unhappy, chances are it's your environment: change the environment, and the depression subsides. Fighting about little things, is a sure sign that you are not a good match. Fighting, in general, is a sign that you're just not happy or well-matched.

You are young and you have your entire life ahead of you. Something I'd always say to friends who were unhappy in their relationship is, "you'll never meet the right person, if you're staying with the wrong person." Let go of the things that don't suit you. If you have a crush on someone, you're romanticizing about what you really want.

When you remove the nasties from your life, you will find your depression will subside, and this will allow you to lift and build yourself to a place where you gain the confidence to know when to stay on board or abandon ship.

The problem is, those with depression and low self-esteem, fear being alone, but I can tell you that being alone builds strength. Yes, it's tough and you may feel even more depressed at first, but if you do things for yourself, small things, that make you feel good, you will rebound in no time at all, and gain the perspective to see that it wasn't working for you. Staying in it, blinds you to the fact; it's like not being able to see the forest for the trees.

I wish you well.

I was fighting with my ex at least once a week if not more. My therapist told me she left a guy after 7 months because they fought once a month and that was too much for her. It's like if someone keeps poking you in the same spot over and over again, it will bruise and then they may not poke as much, but it's still bruised so it hurts just the same. For me personally, I want a relationship with peace and harmony and open communication and understanding. Not with fighting a lot.

Here are two short videos you may want to watch to give you some insight into the answer you are seeking. --

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAnIOtH0lq8


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtaUxzDorco


Take good care of yourself and stay strong!

Negativity, not to be negative, is never a good thing. We should be spending most of our time together laughing and loving, maybe just a wee bit (makes a pinch) of our time fighting.

@Lenoire,

Clinically diagnosed depression is caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. Not one's environment, although environmental stressors may exacerbate depression.

It's possible for someone to have situational depression.
Anyways I agree with koolman. Spend some time apart and see what happens. Just don't cling on to something you know is not going to go anywhere if you're really interested in another man.

It's hard to be unbiased. I think each person speaks from their own perspective. I wouldn't call it quits just yet. I think if your starting therapy and trying to figure out if your in some sort of depression, you need to see that through before you make any huge decisions.

You say you fight nasty. That can be a real problem in my opinion. Hitting below the belt is dangerous. As you work on what's going on with you and your depression, my biggest suggestion is that you both agree to some "fighting ground rules". The first one is to refrain from low blows. Refrain from name calling. You can both come up with other ground rules that you agree on. The best time to create these rules is when things are calm and your both in receptive moods.

My other suggestion is getting into couples counseling to help guide you both.

Wow, thank you all so much for the kind replies. I am really pondering everything that has been said.

I don't think the time apart thing is necessary because we already did that in October and it helped for a little bit. But now he lives in a different city (as of September...took the break when he first moved) so we are doing long distance...which means we have a lot of time apart. I feel the sadness lingering when we are together and when apart. But like I said, I can't tell if it's my depression or our relationship. All the changes have been difficult as well, and I've had lots of family drama lately. I do feel happy in other areas of my life, though.I really enjoy my job (most days. :))

Thank you all again!