Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi everyone,
Im so conflicted and I need help. I joined DailyStrength just so I can get some advice on this issue.
Im 17 and ive been in a long distance relationship for over a year now. Regardless of my age, Id say its pretty serious. I care for him and Im considering moving to his city for university. Its a great school and if it means being with him, its totally worth it.
Now.. we have had issues for a long time now. But the problem is, theyre stupid issues.
It's usually me overreacting, him not being able to figure out the problem and not understanding im upset, me getting even more mad, and then us getting furious at eachother. And the thing is, we both get very angry very easily, and we both are very stubborn so us fighting results in nothing good out of it. So weve talked about it a lot and tried so many things to prevent this fighting but its just not working, it seems.
I think that us being long distance is a big part of it. When were together (physically) we dont have these problems. Miscommunication comes from us being long distance and I would say thats a big reason were like this.
We had worse problems in the beginning and that was because i wasnt speaking up and expressing myself. He would straight up disrespect me and I would take it- it was my first relationship, i was nervous, and didnt want to fight.
But after I had enough and I broke up with him, I realized I really did want to be with him and I will try to be better and speak about our issues and try again.
so we did, and... well, its better.
Much better.
But why were still in this conflict? hes not changing.
(he has changed from being disrespectful. when i say he hasnt changed, i mean he doesnt change when i bring up an issue- which i mentioned are usually small and stupid, not worth fighting over)
Now, im not a person who expects others to change for them. So thats not what im asking him to do. I simply tell him when he does something wrong, and he says im completely right, hes sorry and he will work on it to better our relationship. So i wouldnt say im changing HIM. Were both agreeing to better ourselves for the sake of the relationship.
the thing is, he says this again and again and again since MONTHS ago.
And its still like this, he hasnt changed
Whenever i bring it up to him he says hes trying and hes working on it because as he says, and which i totally believe, all he wants is for us to be happy.
im gonna bring up again, that the things i get mad at, probably arent always worth getting mad at. If im wrong and you think its justified, please tell me so i dont feel as bad.
Like for instance, him being with his friends too long or just doing random useless s*** all day.
And another famous one- him not texting back.
Now you have to understand were long distance. Its all we got. So i dont think im being a dramaqueen when i get upset that he wont reply to my texts for 5 hours (and ON A CONSTANT BASIS- its not that hes busy, he just doesnt carry his phone everywhere). So of course, i get mad because we dont get to speak at all. I have work, he has work, I have school, and he has school. The time difference doesnt help either so our time is sooooo precious. So the times hes not busy with work, I expect him to spend it with me. But he doesnt and it sucks on my end as i ALWAYS make sacrifices for him. I always bring it up and its always the same s*** on him being wrong, and hes sorry.
But he does it OVER AND OVER AGAIN. To the point where I have to schedule times with him- "im not working saturday so please dont make plans. Lets spend the day together." He agrees and expresses his excitement. The sad part is. there have been times he bails on me on these days as well. The worst part is, he doesnt recognize it upsets me, he thinks everythings okay and he speaks to me the next day thinking its okay. Thats because, sometimes, im still not always vocal with how i feel. Thats because, after all this and the repetitive times hes done this and ive explained the issue to him, id hope he KNOWS whats wrong rather than me explaining it to him. And even after i give him time to figure it out, he never knows the problem and im too upset to speak to him. He then leaves the call thinking everything is okay while im crying myself to sleep thinking im not good enough.
So how is that supposed to make me feel?
That's kinda the usual way it pans out, sometimes the cause of fight being different.
Can you believe he left me hanging on our anniversary??!
The thing with me is also, i hold on to the past. Its not good but its just the way I am so it makes matters worse.
Now im stuck. because i care for him and everyday, i think about us being together again when he comes in august.
The times were not fightint are GREAT. We get along so well and its amazing and it just gives me more reason to fight for this and keep holding on and being patient with him till it gets better.
But- enough is enough right?
Whether he really is trying for things to get better or not, whether he really means the things he does or not- im still upset. at the end of the day, i get upset, and then more upset with the way our fights go down and the way he treats me during them as well.
So my question is- do i stay with him?
The way ive been treated, I think, isnt good. He always says he just wants me happy but yet im still like this. Im doing worse in school, Ive gained weight, and my parents are genuinely worried I need therapy, and it causes fights with them.
You might think its extreme, but the fact its been going on for months and hes still continuing like this just brings up more suspicions: does he really love me? does he even deserve to have me by his side? and it makes me even more upset.
Im such a good girlfriend and I dont get it in return sometimes.
Weve tried breaks, weve tried about any other plan we can think of to make it work. But i cant stay away from him.
were currently on a break again, because im just sick of this. im so sick of it.
But it just pains me to think of a day hes not a part of and one day without him makes me wonder if its better with him or without him?
I know it takes time. Overtime it will obviously get better, if we were to break up. But would it be worth it?
i know if I stick through with this, and he help eachother along the way of getting better- we will be happy and everything will be good and definitely worth it.
I dont just wanna throw this all away. But i dont know if I have the emotional strength to put up with this anymore.
Do I give this up for a possibly better present time, or do I stick through with it to be happier in the future? please help as im so conflicted.
Id also like to add that only my close friends know about this relationship and they dont have much experience on boyfriends to give me any advice. Im basically alone on this so any advice is appreciated.
thank you so much! And I appreciate it if you made it this far in the post Smiling face (black and white)
Please dont be afraid to criticize the way I'm acting or anything. I want strictly honest responses as I really want to fix this. Thank you!
Im so conflicted and I need help. I joined DailyStrength just so I can get some advice on this issue.
Im 17 and ive been in a long distance relationship for over a year now. Regardless of my age, Id say its pretty serious. I care for him and Im considering moving to his city for university. Its a great school and if it means being with him, its totally worth it.
Now.. we have had issues for a long time now. But the problem is, theyre stupid issues.
It's usually me overreacting, him not being able to figure out the problem and not understanding im upset, me getting even more mad, and then us getting furious at eachother. And the thing is, we both get very angry very easily, and we both are very stubborn so us fighting results in nothing good out of it. So weve talked about it a lot and tried so many things to prevent this fighting but its just not working, it seems.
I think that us being long distance is a big part of it. When were together (physically) we dont have these problems. Miscommunication comes from us being long distance and I would say thats a big reason were like this.
We had worse problems in the beginning and that was because i wasnt speaking up and expressing myself. He would straight up disrespect me and I would take it- it was my first relationship, i was nervous, and didnt want to fight.
But after I had enough and I broke up with him, I realized I really did want to be with him and I will try to be better and speak about our issues and try again.
so we did, and... well, its better.
Much better.
But why were still in this conflict? hes not changing.
(he has changed from being disrespectful. when i say he hasnt changed, i mean he doesnt change when i bring up an issue- which i mentioned are usually small and stupid, not worth fighting over)
Now, im not a person who expects others to change for them. So thats not what im asking him to do. I simply tell him when he does something wrong, and he says im completely right, hes sorry and he will work on it to better our relationship. So i wouldnt say im changing HIM. Were both agreeing to better ourselves for the sake of the relationship.
the thing is, he says this again and again and again since MONTHS ago.
And its still like this, he hasnt changed
Whenever i bring it up to him he says hes trying and hes working on it because as he says, and which i totally believe, all he wants is for us to be happy.
im gonna bring up again, that the things i get mad at, probably arent always worth getting mad at. If im wrong and you think its justified, please tell me so i dont feel as bad.
Like for instance, him being with his friends too long or just doing random useless s*** all day.
And another famous one- him not texting back.
Now you have to understand were long distance. Its all we got. So i dont think im being a dramaqueen when i get upset that he wont reply to my texts for 5 hours (and ON A CONSTANT BASIS- its not that hes busy, he just doesnt carry his phone everywhere). So of course, i get mad because we dont get to speak at all. I have work, he has work, I have school, and he has school. The time difference doesnt help either so our time is sooooo precious. So the times hes not busy with work, I expect him to spend it with me. But he doesnt and it sucks on my end as i ALWAYS make sacrifices for him. I always bring it up and its always the same s*** on him being wrong, and hes sorry.
But he does it OVER AND OVER AGAIN. To the point where I have to schedule times with him- "im not working saturday so please dont make plans. Lets spend the day together." He agrees and expresses his excitement. The sad part is. there have been times he bails on me on these days as well. The worst part is, he doesnt recognize it upsets me, he thinks everythings okay and he speaks to me the next day thinking its okay. Thats because, sometimes, im still not always vocal with how i feel. Thats because, after all this and the repetitive times hes done this and ive explained the issue to him, id hope he KNOWS whats wrong rather than me explaining it to him. And even after i give him time to figure it out, he never knows the problem and im too upset to speak to him. He then leaves the call thinking everything is okay while im crying myself to sleep thinking im not good enough.
So how is that supposed to make me feel?
That's kinda the usual way it pans out, sometimes the cause of fight being different.
Can you believe he left me hanging on our anniversary??!
The thing with me is also, i hold on to the past. Its not good but its just the way I am so it makes matters worse.
Now im stuck. because i care for him and everyday, i think about us being together again when he comes in august.
The times were not fightint are GREAT. We get along so well and its amazing and it just gives me more reason to fight for this and keep holding on and being patient with him till it gets better.
But- enough is enough right?
Whether he really is trying for things to get better or not, whether he really means the things he does or not- im still upset. at the end of the day, i get upset, and then more upset with the way our fights go down and the way he treats me during them as well.
So my question is- do i stay with him?
The way ive been treated, I think, isnt good. He always says he just wants me happy but yet im still like this. Im doing worse in school, Ive gained weight, and my parents are genuinely worried I need therapy, and it causes fights with them.
You might think its extreme, but the fact its been going on for months and hes still continuing like this just brings up more suspicions: does he really love me? does he even deserve to have me by his side? and it makes me even more upset.
Im such a good girlfriend and I dont get it in return sometimes.
Weve tried breaks, weve tried about any other plan we can think of to make it work. But i cant stay away from him.
were currently on a break again, because im just sick of this. im so sick of it.
But it just pains me to think of a day hes not a part of and one day without him makes me wonder if its better with him or without him?
I know it takes time. Overtime it will obviously get better, if we were to break up. But would it be worth it?
i know if I stick through with this, and he help eachother along the way of getting better- we will be happy and everything will be good and definitely worth it.
I dont just wanna throw this all away. But i dont know if I have the emotional strength to put up with this anymore.
Do I give this up for a possibly better present time, or do I stick through with it to be happier in the future? please help as im so conflicted.
Id also like to add that only my close friends know about this relationship and they dont have much experience on boyfriends to give me any advice. Im basically alone on this so any advice is appreciated.
thank you so much! And I appreciate it if you made it this far in the post Smiling face (black and white)
Please dont be afraid to criticize the way I'm acting or anything. I want strictly honest responses as I really want to fix this. Thank you!
The good thing I see is that even though he is pretty young, he is willing to commit. Not many people do it these days at this age.
The bad part is that you tried to set boundaries as far as being disrespectful to you and nothing changed.
As far as your boundaries go - I would also be pissed off if he blew me off on the days we are suppose to see each other .
The other stuff about not being immediately after you message him - it is sort of unrealistic. In adult world people who are serious about work and studies do not spend their whole day on the phone texting.
To me his behavior would be commendable actually.
Before you decide to move to be wih him, I would suggest that you spend two solid months living with him during the summer.
Do not move there completely just to see how it goes with him.
Once you spend 2 months there, you never know what will happen with you two spending a lot of time together. You may decide he is not for you.
The odds that a relationship a person has at 17 will amount to anything substantial are slim to none
first off, i just gotta say, Ive seen your advice everywhere on here and I think it's great what you're doing!
Second, I knew him for about 3 months.
And I 100% agree with you about the texting thing. I dont expect him to text me all day, especially when hes busy with work, but Id just like some nice messages here and there when hes not busy considering we dont have much time together. I didnt know it would be too much to ask.
Lastly, thank you for the advice. I would never go there before Im sure about this relationship. At this point. and all the advice im getting from others, I dont see it happening.
Thank you to you and the others!
This maybe a sign that you are incompatible.
Some people do not need these validations...
I personally enjoy them. My SO and I live together and we still manage to text each other throughout the day and check on one another because this is what we do. We both like it.
He is home alone all day so he needs human interaction and I am just really social in that way, so it matches.
I personally believe that Long relationships in the teen years are possible, because I had them. One from 14 to 16, the other from 16 to 20. Not all people are immature airheads at this age. I lived on my own since I was 15-16.
Anyway... I know they usually say don't drop anything for a relationship. Usually it is a good advice, but the things that I dropped had to be dropped, they were holding me back from success.
You just have to be smart and make wise decisions.
This is your first relationship - there will be lots more. One task to learn right now is not to settle for less than what you want.
And thanks for your compliment, but I am far from perfect.. If I always followed my own advice, I would be so much better off lol
To add on to what you said, I do think I'm mature for my age and capable of this, I just want to make sure it's the right decision.
Can I ask what your personal thoughts are? Should I stay for the chances of it getting better? And do you think Im overreacting with how I feel?
I cant help but to think I made a mistake everytime I decide to break it with him.
I fell head over heels in love with someone in London, was ready to relocate to the UK. After I spent a little time with him, I found we were not really meant to be together. Nice guy, not for me.
I am not going to factor in your age, just your judgment. Please use that first.
I appreciate you not factoring in my age as Im completely aware of the things that have been said (here and elsewhere) about teenagers and relationship.
But your advice is great and definitely something to think about, thank you!
But, my main issue right now isn't whether or not I should move there, it's mostly whether or not I should stay in the relationship and that comes first.
The fact that you cannot accept that, tells me that you have a hard time accepting the reality of a situation. Expecting him to know what's bothering you, be able to verbalize it, and fix it by the next time you talk to him, is idealistic and controlling.
Long distance relationships rarely work long term, and if they do, require two emotionally mature, well-versed adults.
Love will come and go, but you haven't had enough mileage to know that. You can't make something happen or expect your bf to change at the wave of a wand. This is who he is, and your past history of fighting should tell you that you're probably not compatible. Your devotion however, is commendable, and you should use that passion to advance your education, personal interests, and friendships.
I wish you well.