Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi everyone,
I've been in a relationship with a man for 8 months now. He seems great in a lot of ways, we have a lot of open communication and compatibility in many ways. Last night we were on the phone and he started talking about my height, saying things like, "I didn't realize you would be so short when I met you," (even though my profile clearly said 5ft 3". I tried to brush it off, saying "yeah, you've mentioned that before. You're with a petite woman." And he persisted with comments like, "I thought you'd be 5.6" or 5.7," and seemingly amused, "maybe we should get you a trunk to stand on when we kiss," and "you said it hurts your neck when we kiss..." to which I again tried to keep it casual saying, "only if we're having a conversation with you right up close to me (kissing distance)," and he went on about me having to be on my tippy toes while kissing and something about should stand on his feet when kissing...all the while laughing.
I told him that it was undermining, and he said it was just a joke, and I said "at my expense." He said I've said things about him, which I denied because that's not who I am, and again I said it was undermining.
He tried ending the conversation on a "positive note" as he put it, and after we were chatting a bit about nothing really, he ended it saying he loved me, to which out of obligation mumbled it back (not really feeling the love at the time).
There have been a couple of other mean comments upon a breakup we had over the past couple of months, where he said, "no wonder why you're 51 and never been married," and another one telling me that his friends and daughter's think I'm toxic (which in all honesty, couldn't be further from the truth - I'm not perfect but am pretty even kealed and grounded). It felt like he was using that word back because I had in a past argument, saying something like "I'm not doing this toxic dance anymore" with the intention of ending the negative conversation at the time.
He has also been quick to anger and breakups in the past, constantly breaking up when angry. However, what's kept me going back is that he is seeing a counsellor and has been since before he met me, and he often owns his behaviors and later apologizes, and seems to be trying to work on improving things in our relationship.
Do I stay or do I go?
He has put money down on an engagement ring, and there are a lot of good qualities in the relationship (albeit, a distance relationship). We love walking and talking together, very openly about our issues and anything really. He owns his behaviors, as do I. However, I'm concerned about things getting worse with insults like the above. I've always gotten that vibe with him where once you're in, you see the change, which these mean comments are indicative of at this point.
So, do you leave when the person is trying to improve and get help, and seems to have a willingness to grow, or stay and continue to set boundaries and hope for change?
The comment he made last night hit me hard, not so much about being short, as I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin, but the intent behind it - to undermine me.
Any feedback is welcome.
Thanks.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
It a LD relationship that’s been going on for 8 months. He’s an asshole to you and you are considering marrying him. Does that really sound like a good idea to you?
I see nothing in this post that says he’s great. But you did say he “seems great.” I don’t see it. He’s open with his communication as in he’s open to putting you down bc he knows you’ll accept his apology later. Don’t accept it. He’s not going to change, especially if he can find someone to let it slide.
Soulsearcher83: By great guy, I mean that he also has a positive side, which is mostly what I see right now. The thing that keeps me in the relationship is that he is in counselling, and long before I met him. I guess that gave me hope because he's trying to grow.
p.s. Pardon my ignorance but what is an LD relationship?
Thanks.
One, the likes to joke and pick on you, and seeing it as nothing of negative value. Men can be insensitive, and he will not change.
Two, sit down... he did not like what he saw in person and is trying to be nice and break it off or allow you to break it off. Its only been 8 months and you two have broken up a few times?
Either way it is coming across to you as rude.
You have voiced your concern, and nothing has changed, If you do not like the short jokes and he does not respect you on that front you need to think about your mental health.
He plainly wants someone taller, and there is nothing wrong with that.
You need to sit down and think this out on your side, if you can not tolerate this behavior, what do you want or can live with.
"He tried ending the conversation on a "positive note" as he put it, and after we were chatting a bit about nothing really, he ended it saying he loved me, to which out of obligation mumbled it back (not really feeling the love at the time)."
"he also has a positive side, which is" """""""""""""mostly what I see right now""""""""""""""""""
"He has that kind of sarcasm and humor that can come off more as a dig."
Hummmm..... If this is a long distance relationship behavior/words, wondering what day to day would bring....
Actions cause reactions.
Actions speak louder than words
Later turn into ?.....
It's great that he's getting help and hopefully that will include anger management....
Fair arguing is important and I wouldn't want someone throwing our relationship away any time there was a difference of opinion
If it can grow in a healthy way that's great but I would take some time to feel secure in a healthy relationship moving forward or cut your losses IMHO......xo
If it is his kind of humor, which I think is an important distinction, can you live with it? Really? Because I’m not sure that will change. I come from a long line of practitioners of scathing humor. I’m in a marriage where we banter and spar like that but we are equals in it and it’s fun for us. If you aren’t built for that, or don’t give it as good as you get, as like a natural, comfortable dynamic between you two, that’s not pleasant.
He feels comfortable with you so now he’s letting his guard down and being himself. This is who he is. I doubt he’s gonna change at this point in his life. Counseling could help with the anger but honestly your instincts are telling you this will likely get worse when married. I’d listen to that.
I guess some of the good things are that he is trying to take positive actions, such as counselling, and has asked me to show him some yoga moves and meditation that I do, along with send him video links of a mentor that I listen to. And when we're together it's really easy for us - things seem to flow really well, and we enjoy doing similar things (and our own stuff too individually), like long walks or downtime with a favourite show. I also like that we have open discussions about a lot of things.
Although yes, his anger is an issue because he retaliates in mean ways like above, which he said he is working on. He also thinks distance plays a negative role in our relationship, being frustrating not being able to see gestures, voice tones etc in person to fully understand what people mean. etc.
He works shift work (sometimes days, then overnights, then gets a week off at a time), so in the beginning it was a lot of days together in a mutal spot, going out to eat, for walks and talking etc. Then progressed to weekends together...maybe a couple in a row, or one overnight a night a week. I also spent a week at his place in the summer and got to be there while he was working his shifts (the daily grind), and it flowed really well with me there in the midst of his work schedule, even given the shifts). We're a couple of hours apart and try and see each other once a week, although at times that's not possible.