1. In your opinion, how is developing a friendship with a man different than with a woman?

2. When you were 10-11 years old, what did you see happening to your mother in terms of love and romance?

3. What is more painful : loneliness or a break up?

would you describe yourself as shy, if so, have you always been shy? Or do you think a something triggered it?

I consider myself somewhat of a shy person (and introverted), though it's not as bad as when I was kid. I would withdraw a lot, avoided larger crowds, prefer 1:1 interactions. In my case, I don't believe anything triggered it (I had a very happy loving childhood), I believe I was born this way.

If you are normally a reserved person, and it's been awhile since you've been in the dating world...then I can certainly see it can cause some angst! You're not used to it. And you place yourself in a vulnerable position...don't be so hard on yourself and continue to take it as slow as you need to...your comfort level should rise as you time goes on

Dating is not easy for a lot of people. It can be quite awkward when you're in the getting to know someone stage of the relationship before anything is established (even confirmation that he is interested in you). I have my own hang ups in regards to relationships so I don't know if I can offer any advice as I don't know what its really like for someone without a history such as mine. But, I think that just letting yourself know that dating anxiety is part of the game for many may help ease your tension. That is, you're not alone in feeling anxious when meeting new people!

And the thing about anxiety is that sometimes you just need to push yourself through it in order for it to get better. Maybe you'll never find out "why" and maybe finding out "why" doesn't really matter? If you're able to push yourself to meet a few of these guys, you may be able to show yourself that its not so bad and your anxiety may ease.

The answer to your question is in your own journal. The guy who was your first everything dumped you after almost 5 years and pretty much smashed your heart. I think anyone would be a bit hesitant or anxious at the prospects of starting something new.

I think, when major things happen in relationships, the growth and learning and knowledge from knowing that "happily ever after" isn't always true, and that someone would fight the good fight with you, isn't always true, can knock people on their asses.

Any relationship you form, now, will have your perspectives and experiences coming into it. The first time, it was all roses because you didn't have anything realisitc and/or negative to draw on.

When people realize what others' are really capable of, and that no one is 100 percent secure in a relationship, it DOES change how stuff gets handled.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I think you're normal and you are learning.

I think youre doing fine. It took me a while, to get the courage to put up an online dating profile. Prior to that, I had been with my ex-h for 16 years (had not dated, since our breakup). When I did finally put it up, Id keep it up for a couple hours, take it down (for a day or so), repeating several times for the first week or two. During that time, I did chat with a few people. I learned quickly to turn off the chat feature, keep it off (too many weirdos). And stick to regular messaging (less pressure to respond quickly, not responding at all ok).

The first guy I agreed to meet, I backed out the day before the date. I felt really, really bad about backing out (but I was not ready). Thankfully he was pretty nice about it. Ive had the same done to me, it was no big deal.

The first guy I did meet, I think we messaged for maybe a week, and talked on the phone a couple times. We seemed a perfect match on paper (even lived close together). He was a pretty experienced dater (divorced 2 years), knew what he wanted, was charismatic, and motivated for a relationship. Early in the relationship, he said he loved me, would never leave me (big flag). We ended up dating three months, but in retrospect, I wish I had taken things slower (he was a not so nice person).

Second guy I dated, I approached him first (winked at him on match.com). He messaged me back right away when are we going to meet?. I chuckled to myself, at his directness, but figured why not? When we met, our personalities immediately clicked (total chatterboxes, lots of laughs). We dated briefly, before deciding to just be (platonic) friends. And we remained good friends for the next couple years (he helped me through a ton of stuff).

In your case, I think youre doing fine. Youve created a profile, put it up, made it public, a good first step. Now you are messaging people, another good step. In your case, I dont think itd be a bad idea to stick to messaging for a while, until you feel more comfortable with the idea of meeting people.

Normally I am not a fan of waiting more than a couple weeks to meet. People often seem different in person, than in messaging (sets a false intimacy). But in your case, I think it ok until you build a little more confidence, and have met a few people. I have found it easiest, to meet people, over coffee, versus a dinner, or other longer activity. That way you both have flexibility, to cut the date short, or talk longer if desired.

Its also good you have some female friends, experienced at the online dating thing, and can help you navigate while testing the waters. When I started online dating, all of my female friends were married, and had no clue (good for them lol!!!).

Also keep in mind, it totally ok, to take breaks from dating (whether a couple days, couple weeks, months, etc). I have done that many times, I found it helped to give me a more fresh perspective when I put myself out there again. Clear my head. It's been six months since I had my profile up.

Best wishes!

Hey,

Thanks for the replies. It's given me a lot to think on.
I am indeed shy and awkward until I get to know people, though before I have been able to bluff a bit of confidence.

When it came to my first and last relationship we used to hang out in the same friend circles so I have never done the whole meet a new person for a date thing like many of my friends have.
Once that relationship ended I think I closed off a lot.

I have become much better in the last year since and I am most definitely in no hurry to be in another relationship. It was in observation of some of my friends and other people who have come out of relationships and started dating again that made me wonder if I was weird for not doing the same.

But like I said. I am in no hurry and hopefully if and when I'm ready karma will send someone good my way :)

Thanks a lot guys

You sink into a comfort zone, and sexual and intellectual "stimulation" (tension) don't "fit" in that comfort zone. After being alone for awhile, we slip back into our comfort zones. It's OK--I do this too.

Guess what? People ARE stressful! We have needs and demands that we want met from each other. Decide what KIND of relationship you're looking for. If a calm, soothing, sedate thing, say that in your dating profile.