Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I'm not sure what to think about this. A year and a half ago, I started a relationship with a man. I knew that he had issues - drinking, past drug addiction. I also knew, of course, that that meant he had emotional problems. I understand that, but I choose to be with him, because I also thought he was sweet, and smart, and for other reasons.
And he is sweet. And he often tells me he loves me. And he says I can call him anytime I need him.
So it's not like he's a jerk.
But.
But he's very passive. I sometimes feel like, if I did not call him, we'd simply never see each other again. He doesn't call, doesn't ask me out, doesn't make plans, doesn't ever plan nice evening out or anything.
If I call him, he is genuinely happy to hear from me. If I ask him if he wants to watch a movie, he happily comes over, and often lets me know he is happy to spend time together.
So, it might sounds weird, but....after a year and a half of this, I'm kind of tired of always taking the initiative. Once in a while, I'd like to feel like he cares about me enough to actually persue me, or make plans for us.
Is that unreasonable, in your view??
We've talked about it several times, but he never gets any better.
The worst thing was, half a year ago, on our 1-year anniversary, he told me he didn't care about our anniversary. Then he took that back, and claimed he was just protecting himself....
...which is probably true, because he is very closed, emotionally, a lot of the time. I sometimes wonder if he'll ever open up. He has told me that being closed is a reflex for him.
I'm confused. He says he loves me. When I talk about breaking up, he bursts into tears....
....and yet. And yet - I told him, HALF A YEAR AGO how hurt I was by him telling me our anniversary didn't matter. He said it did matter, and he would make plans for our anniversary.
Never happened. First time he said he'd make plans for our anniversary, he forgot. Next time, he fell asleep....I had to wake him up, and, when I did, big surprise, no plans. Third time, I don't remember what went wrong.
He. Never. Plans. This.
Why??
I told him, camly, 2 weeks ago, that he had still never planned anything for our anniversary. I told him I did not understand. He knew how hurt I was, he knew all he had to do was ask me out for tea, or a walk, or anything at all, and, in half a year, he never did.
He burst into tears, as usual. Then he said he'd plan something. Another few weeks have gone by, and nothing.
I don't know what to make of this. He is a sweet person. Why can he not do this one small thing?
And he is sweet. And he often tells me he loves me. And he says I can call him anytime I need him.
So it's not like he's a jerk.
But.
But he's very passive. I sometimes feel like, if I did not call him, we'd simply never see each other again. He doesn't call, doesn't ask me out, doesn't make plans, doesn't ever plan nice evening out or anything.
If I call him, he is genuinely happy to hear from me. If I ask him if he wants to watch a movie, he happily comes over, and often lets me know he is happy to spend time together.
So, it might sounds weird, but....after a year and a half of this, I'm kind of tired of always taking the initiative. Once in a while, I'd like to feel like he cares about me enough to actually persue me, or make plans for us.
Is that unreasonable, in your view??
We've talked about it several times, but he never gets any better.
The worst thing was, half a year ago, on our 1-year anniversary, he told me he didn't care about our anniversary. Then he took that back, and claimed he was just protecting himself....
...which is probably true, because he is very closed, emotionally, a lot of the time. I sometimes wonder if he'll ever open up. He has told me that being closed is a reflex for him.
I'm confused. He says he loves me. When I talk about breaking up, he bursts into tears....
....and yet. And yet - I told him, HALF A YEAR AGO how hurt I was by him telling me our anniversary didn't matter. He said it did matter, and he would make plans for our anniversary.
Never happened. First time he said he'd make plans for our anniversary, he forgot. Next time, he fell asleep....I had to wake him up, and, when I did, big surprise, no plans. Third time, I don't remember what went wrong.
He. Never. Plans. This.
Why??
I told him, camly, 2 weeks ago, that he had still never planned anything for our anniversary. I told him I did not understand. He knew how hurt I was, he knew all he had to do was ask me out for tea, or a walk, or anything at all, and, in half a year, he never did.
He burst into tears, as usual. Then he said he'd plan something. Another few weeks have gone by, and nothing.
I don't know what to make of this. He is a sweet person. Why can he not do this one small thing?
You've expressed what you want/need from him many times but he's not giving you what you need. That's who he is and he'll only change if he wants to change but it doesn't seem he wants to change.
He's happy with how things are but are you happy with how things are?
You need to decide if you want to be in a relationship where your needs aren't being met. Can you accept him *as is* without resentments, without hurt or is it time to decide to move on and find someone who wants to meet your needs?
to beat?
He could be just and uncaring person, of course, but I am also thinking he maybe afraid to fully attach to you, to have you become part of him, because he knows that if that happens and you break up, he may regress into unfavorable behaviors of the past.
IDK, I guess all people have their issues, maybe this is his.
There are a whole lot of things that bother be in my relationship, but one big good thing that counterbalances them well is that my boyfriend is never telling me what to do, never criticizes me about ANYTHING and does not expect me to change my ways.
I'm sorry that you feel unfulfilled in the attention department. We all want to feel special to people we love.
HUGS