Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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Walking away or staying

aahorton90
aahorton90

Hi, all. I have been in a relationship with a man for ten years. We have been off and on, we stopped talking to each other for five years, but in the last two years, we have been getting very close. However, I have matured by going to therapy and working on my traumas, and I have noticed that he has a hard time communicating and shuts me out for days or weeks. I do not know if I should stay around as a friend or leave. I know I need to have healthy boundaries. Any advice on how to communicate my feelings?

urbangardener
urbangardener
You can not make him change. He isn’t able to communicate on the level you now want. You are not wrong to find his traits undesirable but you can talk till you are blue in the face to him about your needs. And still find he doesn’t change or doesn’t care. How he is is how he is. Accept how he is. Or if his traits are not acceptable to you, let him go. Dating is to learn who another person really is and how they really are. He is showing you who he is. Keep your focus on fixing or changing yourself not him. You get to decide if his traits are acceptable or good for yourself or not.

Boundaries are what we set for our own thinking and behaviors. We don’t set boundaries that the other adult person has to obey. We set them for what is acceptable for love relationships as we see necessary. So your boundaries are for you to do. Your boundary may be X and he consistently does Y. So then you know it’s a no with this guy. Do you want a sometime in your life friend as he is right now or is it time to focus on moving forward without the struggle trying to fix or change him so any kind of relationship works out?
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I agree with what urban has written.... It reads like he's passive/aggressive so you'll have to decide what you want for yourself.... Big hug.... xo
SarafinaJane
SarafinaJane
A friend is someone you can turn to if you have a problem and discuss it fairly and openly. Will he be able to discuss a problem with another boyfriend or other dates you may have? Don't choose something that will hinder your growth because you don't want to hurt his feelings. He is an adult and should be able to explain his feelings, attitudes and beliefs to you in a comforting, straight forward way. I wish you the best of luck.
Annita
Annita
I walked away from my marriage due to these kinds of miscommunication.
You are not alone. Follow what your gut says.
I was told this in my therapy.
Don't be afraid to do what you really feel is right.
The best to you.
catch_the_music
catch_the_music
Would he go to a marriage seminar? If so, try "Weekend to Remember" seminars by Family Life or a Greg Smalley seminar. Great for jump starting a stale relationship. Prayers!
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