Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Lately I've been going through a rough patch with my cptsd and I have been trying to cope by finally putting some of the fears/anxieties I have regarding relationships into words. Right now I am just hoping that by venting what I've written so far it might help bring some relief for my cptsd symptoms.
Also, I know I am not ready for a new relationship yet. Hopefully I eventually will be ready for one after I am able to find and afford a good therapist who can help me overcome my issues. Right now though I just feel the need to vent these fears/anxieties instead of keeping them all bottled up.
One of my fears regarding relationships pertains to sex, or more accurately a lack thereof. Due to my cptsd the idea of having sex with a significant other is terrifying for me. Even though I would like to reach a point where I am able to be that intimate with a significant other the fears I have from cptsd make this feel like an impossible goal.
Part of it is the fear of being rejected by a partner for being unwilling/unable to provide that level of intimacy in a relationship and/or taking too long to reach a point where I feel able to do so.
I feel as though society expects men to be ready and willing to have sex whenever their partner wants it, and that it is viewed as embarrassing/shameful for a man to not be able or willing to do so (with the possible exception of men who are unable due to advanced age).
It also seems to me like society is more forgiving of women than men when it comes to not wanting to or being too afraid to have sex with their partner due to having suffered trauma (such as rape or abuse). When a man gets upset that his girlfriend/wife doesn't want to have sex (due to traumatic memories associated with sex) it seems like he is generally viewed as an uncaring/bad person. But if the roles are reversed (with the man being the one who doesn't want to have sex due to trauma) it seems like he is generally viewed as "unmanly", as broken goods, etc, and there doesn't seem to be much of a negative view of the woman who is upset he won't put out. So I feel like I would somehow be the one in the wrong if a partner was upset with me for not wanting or not being able to have sex due to lingering trauma issues.
When I surf the web looking for articles and advice pages about relationships I frequently see women talking about the importance of physical intimacy (such as sex or making out) in a relationship and about how they should leave men who won't do these things as often as she wants. I understand that different people place different amounts of importance on these aspects of a relationship and that they should be free to break up and find a more compatible partner if they aren't compatible with each other.
However, it still makes me feel like there is a tremendous amount of pressure for me as a man to provide physical intimacy in a romantic relationship, and that if I can't it could cost me a relationship and make me seem like a selfish/cold/indifferent/bad partner.
I feel horribly guilty about this for other reasons too. One is that I don't want a woman I date to stay with me merely out of pity. Another reason is I don't want a woman I'm in a relationship with to feel miserable or unsatisfied with the relationship due to me possibly not being able to satisfy any desire she may have for physical intimacy.
Another one of my fears regarding physical intimacy (kissing, hugging, sex) stems from some of the abuse that resulted in me developing cptsd. This fear is of a significant other suddenly becoming hostile/vindictive and claiming a consensual act of physical intimacy was sexual assault or even rape.
I know this sounds extreme, but again this relates to the roots of my cptsd and attachment style problems. While growing up (and even now) my mother had a tendency to be very inconsistent. She could flip between being happy and angry over the smallest things at what seemed like the drop of a hat. One moment she would be praising you for something you'd done and how good it was, the next moment she could suddenly be angry about that very same thing and be criticizing how bad it was and everything she didn't like about it.
Nobody ever seemed to call her out on this or otherwise indicate it was not normal/appropriate behavior, so I grew up with the belief that that was normal behavior for women and that if she was upset it must somehow be the fault of whoever she is mad at.
It didn't help that similar behaviors (albeit not nearly as bad) were observed in many (thankfully not all) of the girls I encountered and went to school with while growing up. Often it seemed like the only times they would smile at me or be friendly was when they needed my assistance with something. However, as soon as I had fulfilled that purpose they were back to ignoring me or giving me angry/disgusted looks when they saw me.
It wasn't just girls and my mother either. My kindergarten teacher eventually got arrested for psychotically harassing/threatening a student's father.
(This type of widespread behavior may have something to do with the state I live in having the highest rates of domestic abuse and rape in the entire US.)
Anyways, growing up in that kind of environment resulted in me having what is called an anxious-preoccupied adult attachment style. This means that although I now know better my brain was wired to expect that same inconsistent behavior with any significant others I may have a relationship with as an adult.
This fear is further fueled by all the PSAs and school courses I have seen or attended that talk about things like how either person in a relationship has the right to, at any time during sex, take back any consent they gave to having intercourse with their partner. And that if their partner doesn't stop right away it is legally considered rape.
At this point I hope you can see where this would play into my fears of physical intimacy.
I am terrified that in a relationship my partner could at any time switch to not liking me or whatever I'm doing (be it talking, holding hands or even having sex) and then say I did something horrible like sexually assaulted or raped her.
Again, I know this sounds extreme. However, I have actually been in situations where a woman has threatened to do that sort of thing to me. (They weren't even women I was dating, flirting with or doing anything with other than being in the same room in a public area.)
Normally a person should be able to at least try to convince themselves that such an extreme outcome is too unlikely to ever happen and thus shouldn't be worried about. But that's very hard to do when you have been through more than one situation where someone you weren't even in a relationship with (much less even doing anything to them) threatened to make those kinds of false allegations against you seemingly out of spite.
I am afraid that even if I were in a loving relationship these fears would prevent me from being able to be physically intimate. I feel guilty and horrible about this since I would like to recover and be in a healthy relationship without my partner being burdened with my problems.
Also, I know I am not ready for a new relationship yet. Hopefully I eventually will be ready for one after I am able to find and afford a good therapist who can help me overcome my issues. Right now though I just feel the need to vent these fears/anxieties instead of keeping them all bottled up.
One of my fears regarding relationships pertains to sex, or more accurately a lack thereof. Due to my cptsd the idea of having sex with a significant other is terrifying for me. Even though I would like to reach a point where I am able to be that intimate with a significant other the fears I have from cptsd make this feel like an impossible goal.
Part of it is the fear of being rejected by a partner for being unwilling/unable to provide that level of intimacy in a relationship and/or taking too long to reach a point where I feel able to do so.
I feel as though society expects men to be ready and willing to have sex whenever their partner wants it, and that it is viewed as embarrassing/shameful for a man to not be able or willing to do so (with the possible exception of men who are unable due to advanced age).
It also seems to me like society is more forgiving of women than men when it comes to not wanting to or being too afraid to have sex with their partner due to having suffered trauma (such as rape or abuse). When a man gets upset that his girlfriend/wife doesn't want to have sex (due to traumatic memories associated with sex) it seems like he is generally viewed as an uncaring/bad person. But if the roles are reversed (with the man being the one who doesn't want to have sex due to trauma) it seems like he is generally viewed as "unmanly", as broken goods, etc, and there doesn't seem to be much of a negative view of the woman who is upset he won't put out. So I feel like I would somehow be the one in the wrong if a partner was upset with me for not wanting or not being able to have sex due to lingering trauma issues.
When I surf the web looking for articles and advice pages about relationships I frequently see women talking about the importance of physical intimacy (such as sex or making out) in a relationship and about how they should leave men who won't do these things as often as she wants. I understand that different people place different amounts of importance on these aspects of a relationship and that they should be free to break up and find a more compatible partner if they aren't compatible with each other.
However, it still makes me feel like there is a tremendous amount of pressure for me as a man to provide physical intimacy in a romantic relationship, and that if I can't it could cost me a relationship and make me seem like a selfish/cold/indifferent/bad partner.
I feel horribly guilty about this for other reasons too. One is that I don't want a woman I date to stay with me merely out of pity. Another reason is I don't want a woman I'm in a relationship with to feel miserable or unsatisfied with the relationship due to me possibly not being able to satisfy any desire she may have for physical intimacy.
Another one of my fears regarding physical intimacy (kissing, hugging, sex) stems from some of the abuse that resulted in me developing cptsd. This fear is of a significant other suddenly becoming hostile/vindictive and claiming a consensual act of physical intimacy was sexual assault or even rape.
I know this sounds extreme, but again this relates to the roots of my cptsd and attachment style problems. While growing up (and even now) my mother had a tendency to be very inconsistent. She could flip between being happy and angry over the smallest things at what seemed like the drop of a hat. One moment she would be praising you for something you'd done and how good it was, the next moment she could suddenly be angry about that very same thing and be criticizing how bad it was and everything she didn't like about it.
Nobody ever seemed to call her out on this or otherwise indicate it was not normal/appropriate behavior, so I grew up with the belief that that was normal behavior for women and that if she was upset it must somehow be the fault of whoever she is mad at.
It didn't help that similar behaviors (albeit not nearly as bad) were observed in many (thankfully not all) of the girls I encountered and went to school with while growing up. Often it seemed like the only times they would smile at me or be friendly was when they needed my assistance with something. However, as soon as I had fulfilled that purpose they were back to ignoring me or giving me angry/disgusted looks when they saw me.
It wasn't just girls and my mother either. My kindergarten teacher eventually got arrested for psychotically harassing/threatening a student's father.
(This type of widespread behavior may have something to do with the state I live in having the highest rates of domestic abuse and rape in the entire US.)
Anyways, growing up in that kind of environment resulted in me having what is called an anxious-preoccupied adult attachment style. This means that although I now know better my brain was wired to expect that same inconsistent behavior with any significant others I may have a relationship with as an adult.
This fear is further fueled by all the PSAs and school courses I have seen or attended that talk about things like how either person in a relationship has the right to, at any time during sex, take back any consent they gave to having intercourse with their partner. And that if their partner doesn't stop right away it is legally considered rape.
At this point I hope you can see where this would play into my fears of physical intimacy.
I am terrified that in a relationship my partner could at any time switch to not liking me or whatever I'm doing (be it talking, holding hands or even having sex) and then say I did something horrible like sexually assaulted or raped her.
Again, I know this sounds extreme. However, I have actually been in situations where a woman has threatened to do that sort of thing to me. (They weren't even women I was dating, flirting with or doing anything with other than being in the same room in a public area.)
Normally a person should be able to at least try to convince themselves that such an extreme outcome is too unlikely to ever happen and thus shouldn't be worried about. But that's very hard to do when you have been through more than one situation where someone you weren't even in a relationship with (much less even doing anything to them) threatened to make those kinds of false allegations against you seemingly out of spite.
I am afraid that even if I were in a loving relationship these fears would prevent me from being able to be physically intimate. I feel guilty and horrible about this since I would like to recover and be in a healthy relationship without my partner being burdened with my problems.
I know what you mean about developing this emotional uncertainty growing up. My parents were and are overall nice people, but both became emotionally distant as soon as my brother and I grew out of the cutesy toddler phase and became 6-7 years old. Then my mother became the disciplinarian and my father just wanted to be left alone after a hard day at work, which I respected. Unfortunately, this led to the inevitable intimacy phobias.
And then there was school...God, don't even get me started on school...as soon as my family and I moved to Colorado, there were kids in school who really mean and hostile toward me, who made my life a living hell from 4th to 6th grade, who picked on me relentlessly. I first was hurt, devastated. Hurt quickly turned to rage and I got in several fistfights in school. Finally, I resigned myself to "compartmentalizing" my feelings. I would act like my normal, happy-go-lucky, fun-loving self at home. In school, i would completely shut down, have my eyes down in a book, be miserably shy and withdrawn, lest I give any of those bastards the satisfaction of seeing an emotional reaction from me. Hence, I didn't really have what you would call a "normal" or "linear" emotional development as a kid, but who does?
Now, while I don't have an emotional guard up, I recognize that some people can still and will always be assholes, and my fight or flight mechanism is usually ready to fight. I would like to be the warm, wonderful, loving person that I am capable of being all the time, and I try to be, but I do not stand for abuse of any kind, and try not to dish out abuse myself, although sometimes my inner "bully" surfaces. I BECOME at times the very thing I despised as a kid. Perhaps it's my way of saying to others "I'll hurt YOU before I let you hurt ME". I'm working on it, trying to be humble, relaxed, grounded, spiritually centered, simply look and listen, only get hurt or angry as a last-ditch emotional response.