Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Unimportant

hanginthere10
hanginthere10

Hi. My husband and I are in the midst of home renovations, week 3. It began after a nice long weekend getaway where we had a wonderful time together. As soon as we returned home, the projects began. We work on some aspects of it together, but he is doing the heavy lifting. Mind you we do have multiple contractors also in the mix. 


Since the renovation has begun, my husband had been completely focused and consumed by it, putting me/us to the side. We have not had any quality time together since. He will say he loves me, but that's it. I'm a proponent of the phrase "actions, speak louder than words". I have told him I miss him, and he basically dismisses it and says we need to get these projects done.  As a result, I feel neglected and unimportant. It has my mind spinning with the thought that he doesn't need me, not attracted to me, and I am unimportant to him and our relationship is not a priority. 


I appreciate all of his tireless efforts, and have told him so repeatedly.  But I believe it is crucial for our relationship that he spend some time with me. 


Talked again last night about my feelings, which he dismissed as ridiculous and said "Well, may I should just stop the projects".  Basic message of, put up or shut up.


He thinks it's perfectly "normal" to focus all time & energy on our home projects while ignoring me and our marriage.


I feel like I am falling apart and becoming depressed. If he really and truly cared about me wouldn't he want to spend some quality time together? 


Frustrated and numb. 

rmb
rmb
Home renovation sucks. It really does. But it's temporary. If for a year he was ignoring you, I can see being miffed over not having his attention. But it seems while he's busting his hump trying to make a nice, liveable home for you both, you're being demanding. Maybe I'm not getting it?

All marriages go through times where things take away from quality time. But solid couples come back to each other and regroup.

Are you recently married?
Ingi
Ingi
Shame i am sorry that u feel like that. Its not nice feeling ignored and perhaps u feel that your husband puts the project in front of u. What about going for a cup of coffee or dinner to get that connection time with him? He wont be able to do the house then.
hanginthere10
hanginthere10
We are not recently married and I am far from demanding. I get right in and do what I can. I am skillful and not afraid to get my hands dirty. We are working on it together, he is not alone. As I said we have contractors as well. We have done previous projects together and never lost our momentum.
I don't believe it's normal or healthy to say I'm not going to be intimate because I'm focused on renovation. Regardless of what's going on in or outside the house nurturing a relationship "should be" high on the priority list. I guess it all boils down to how vested you are in a relationship.
ScarletAngel13
ScarletAngel13
FWIW, you sound a little high maintenance...
rmb
rmb
If he did this all the time, where you took a back seat to everything he turned his attention to, I think you'd have a legitimate gripe. But really, just from what you've provided here, it does sound like you're a little demanding. If my husband was doing this work, I would probably say, once this is done, we need to get out and celebrate. Then I'd plan something for us, stay over night at a nice hotel, have a great meal, make each other happy, etc.
hanginthere10
hanginthere10
I foolishly thought this was a site to get support, not criticism at a time of need.
God help you. Remember karma, you get what you give.
rmb
rmb
I think your question was that if he really and truly cared about you wouldn't he want to spend some quality time together? And I think what some of us were saying is sometimes projects like these cause a burden and stress on a relationship, and to just see how things are after the project is finished. Support includes offering a different way of looking at things, not just agreeing. My intent was wasn't criticism but to be honest about how what you were saying was perceived.

I sense you've left out details or other things are at play, because being this wound up about things a month after you originally posted this seems disproportionate.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Big hug for you hanging in and Welcome.... DS is a site for support however we also try to give honest feedback.... Not being honest wouldn't help anyone
Three weeks of renovation does seem like a short time to feel as though your relationship is in trouble because he's working so hard... He might be exhausted by the end of the day
You stated you had a long weekend getaway just over 3 weeks ago... Perhaps you could take him out for dinner one day this week for a break in the work
Sometimes it's better to just ask for what you need.... If you don't want anyone to offer advise... I would simply ask for a hug of support.... People are trying to help you and DS is a wonderful site.....xo
KSprizzle89
KSprizzle89
when he said "well maybe I should stop all the projects then" I would have said "Yes I think you should, for tomorrow night so we can go out to dinner and spend some quality time together and then you can get right back to it" Or maybe "Yes I think that is a great idea, you can stop them this weekend when we go to (insert place, maybe one of his favs or somewhere he hasn't been) so we can spend the weekend together and then you can get back at it. I already have the place booked and this (insert stuff) planned." If he doesn't go, then hell, invite one of your friends or family and take the trip with them! My bf and I are about to start home renovations and I get it, there won't be a lot of time for us. He is going to be super busy for the next 8 months or so and honestly, that is just how guys are. They don't work the same way we do. They get focused on something and put all of their attention into it and when it is done then HEY they are back to normal and happier for having accomplished something. I think the big thing is to not make it out like he is the bad guy and talk to him in a way where you are understanding of what he is doing and still able to express how you are feeling. Don't make it all about you. Empathize with him and express yourself and remember that you love him and that he loves you.
yorman1
yorman1
Very nice KS 89....I like your style...great suggestion...:)
Misred
Misred
When I have a project I get tunnel vision and can't stand to leave it undone. I like KSprizzle89's suggestions. I might try to remember those for myself.
forestfreek
forestfreek
We're so funny as human beings. Never happy, hard to please. I guess it varies relationship to relationship so I don't want to generalize. I found this post ironic. I would give my left arm, my right leg and most of my vagina if my husband would lift a finger to do home renovations for a DAY never mind 3 weeks worth. I would trade places with you GLADLY, hanginthere! In fact, my husband's lack of doing anything around the house is what is putting grave stress on our relationship (oh, shit....and also the fact that he barely works. Forgot that part of it. But this is not about me...:))))) I'm not minimizing your feelings but maybe you should wait it out a bit longer before you "fall apart". It's only been 3 weeks. Breathe, take stock of your soon to be beautiful home and reassess when the renos are done. If he moves on to another project that he fanatically throws himself into THEN you may be looking at someone who is using avoidance tactics. Until then, be grateful you have someone that is happy to make your house a HOME for you. Either that or throw him my way....lol.
rmb
rmb
"most of my vagina"... bahaha!
ScarletAngel13
ScarletAngel13
"But I believe it is crucial for our relationship that he spend some time with me."

I agree 100% on that. But "time with me" and my husband means anytime we are together, be it grocery shopping and going to Walmart, cooking a meal together, working on a project together, a quiet evening together reading or watching TV/movies together. Quality time with my husband is anytime we are together, accomplishing a common goal together. For me and my husband, quality time is more than just "sexy time".
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