Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Trust part Deux.

Bounder1
Bounder1
So things are going very well with the wife and I, we are discussing everything as they come to thought. I am feeling really good about this and relieved that we are able to do this. So in a earlier post from someone I mentioned that I had stumbled onto her face book page and I resisted looking through it and just logged it out. Ya good for me in the trust department. Then I am cleaning up the bookmarks on the web browser and I come across a website that makes me go WTF? What kind if site I feel is not important to mention, but what I feel is important is when I ask her about it in a non threatening way, I just wanted to know what she would need a site like that for she completely denied knowing why it was in bookmarks or even how it got there. I'm not a computer genius or anything but I do know bookmarks take a few steps to set in place. So I know it was intentional. The type of site it was would have to be Intentionally looked up. I am just not satisfied with her answer. I brought it up a second time telling her of how it made me feel when I found it and she denied again of how it even got there. I feel back to square one with the trust. :(
deleted_user
deleted_user
yes, to deny that something was book marked and not know how it got there isn't good. Sounds like she is still hiding from you. Perhaps she still wants you for the kids and still wants her fun too. I'm not sure. I sense you are the one having to do all the work to keep this going lately. If no one else uses that computer than the only obvious person would be her to have went to the site. She is unwilling to go to counseling and you seem to be the one compromising. You have to decide how much more trust issues can you handle. Relationships shouldn't be where you have to feel like you need to check what they are doing and on what site they are on.
Bounder1
Bounder1
It was her computer no one else ever used it, so I can see that she didn't have to hide it. I think she tried to erase everything that she didn't want me to see before I moved back but there is always something. I honestly don't feel she wants me to take care of the kids to have her cake and eat it too so to speak. We spend everyday together when she is home. The camp she stays in I know people there, I worked in the oil patch a long time and in a lot of different places and camps. I have no fear she is doing anything inappropriate when she is there. I just wish she would open up to me and let me in. All I want is to understand why it's so hard to just be honest in a marriage. Before she left me there was never a question never a doubt, I had no reason to. Now I find I question everything and I doubt. I feel like I'm a shadow of who I used to be.
Autumnal
Autumnal
what kindof website was it?
Bounder1
Bounder1
The website was A Camgirls handbook guide, my wife is very beautiful and I know she has self esteem issues, I don't know if she ever tried it or anything or if it was just a curiosity. It really saddened me to think that she would even consider it. Regardless I wanted some honesty. In some ways I feel like there is a personality I don't know, I see it come out at different times. Usually when I confront her on things she does not want to talk about. I am a very open person, I have no problem saying what is on my mind or what I am feeling. I know there was some abuse she experienced when she was younger and I have tried to get her to open up about it (she did not tell me about it I found out from someone else) I know from personal experience what kind of damage abuse can inflict on a person, I have dealt with my childhood surrounding that, all I got from her was " don't ever ask me about it I will never talk about it"!! I know she needs help dealing with this and I have asked her several times to talk with someone about her past but she won't.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You say that your wife is very beautiful, and she has self esteem issues, maybe she was looking at that site or possibly looking into it as a way to get attention, or to help with those self esteem issues. I doubt that it was to intentionally hurt you, but some women love attention, especially when you have self esteem issues. If we are not feeling exactly attractive, or are feeling down about ourselves in a physical aspect, we seek out validation from others, which of course gives us the boost of confidence we need. And it may have very well been her way of doing that. Not saying that was the case, but it's just a thought. I completely understand what you are saying, where you are coming from, and I really hope that you can get to the point where you can rebuild that trust again, and communicate effectively. Good luck and best wishes to you!
Dave17
Dave17
Hmm... my bookmarks have quite a few places I have accidentally added. What has happened for me is that the control-D bookmark is close to control C which is copy.

So I highlight text then miss and hit control D which pops up a window, which I don't read and in my hurry just click OK to get that window to go away (i no longer do this, but this is how it has happened in the past)

so it is possible to accidentally bookmark something. HOWEVER, you do need to actually BE on that web site to bookmark it, which I believe was your point.
Bounder1
Bounder1
Thanks Kizmet, those are kinda my thoughts as well, although it is hard to deal with sometimes I do not give up on the people I love. When I said "I do" I meant it, I didn't say I do for now. I will continue to work with her on our relationship and I will bring up Counseling again when I feel the time is right. I have to trust the universe that I am here for a reason and it maybe that I am here to help her, I know I am here to give my girls the best dad they can get, I just need to keep myself grounded, I have never given up on anything in my life that was worth it and I believe my marriage is worth it.
Bounder1
Bounder1
Thanks LSU, I hope everyone has a great Easter weekend.