Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I realize I'm only 14, but please don't call this "puppy love" or "a simple crush"...
My current boyfriend, well he's 18. I realize it's illegal, but we have never had sex (with each other) and we've both agreed not to rush it. I probably sound like every other 14 year old, but here is my story..
My 13th birthday (october '08) I was informed that my dad was having an affair, december, my 16 yr old sister informed us shes pregnant, january, my mom started drinking. March, My parents found out about my boyfriend, and told us we couldnt talk.. august, (i think) I had nobody, my friend and i faught, so did my dad and i, my mom left, and my sister was having troubles with the baby, the rest of my family hated me for what happened in march.. so i had one guy left, he was 17, and we hung out, i got drunk, we slept together, my first time. turns out i might've miscarried his kid in december '09. november '09, i went to a party, got raped. nine months after my parents found out about my boyfriend, we started talking again (thank god)
so Yeah, i might've had a hard life, but i was dating my boyfriend 2 months before i even found out about my dad, so it isn't a daddy figure thing... The thing is....I don't know, it is so hard to explain, but, I'll try.......
He gives me a feeling like i can do anything, even thinking of him gives me butterflies. I'd give anything for him. He's sept with all his other girlfriends, except me, maybe i'm wrong, but that means something to me. that he won't push me, and its not just about sex.
I trust him, i have never felt this way before, i can't explain it all...the nine months, i slept maybe 3 hours a night. i cut myself alot everyday, i drank too much, started selling drugs, had guys take advantage of me...but once we started talkng again, i stopped all that, it's like he is here to save me, and i know it sounds like every other teenage girl....but i can honestly say that he is the one i want to spend forever with. even if it sounds dumb, i dont' think i could live without him..
any advice on what i should do about it? He said he wants to marry me, and he's been completely faithful and amazing to me, he's kept his word on everything.....I have no reason not to trusi him....but i am scared, because this is all new to me. I never wanted to feel like this. i didnt want to be in love. i didn't even want to date. and never ever wanted to need someone. but here he is, making me weak, and completing my life.
My current boyfriend, well he's 18. I realize it's illegal, but we have never had sex (with each other) and we've both agreed not to rush it. I probably sound like every other 14 year old, but here is my story..
My 13th birthday (october '08) I was informed that my dad was having an affair, december, my 16 yr old sister informed us shes pregnant, january, my mom started drinking. March, My parents found out about my boyfriend, and told us we couldnt talk.. august, (i think) I had nobody, my friend and i faught, so did my dad and i, my mom left, and my sister was having troubles with the baby, the rest of my family hated me for what happened in march.. so i had one guy left, he was 17, and we hung out, i got drunk, we slept together, my first time. turns out i might've miscarried his kid in december '09. november '09, i went to a party, got raped. nine months after my parents found out about my boyfriend, we started talking again (thank god)
so Yeah, i might've had a hard life, but i was dating my boyfriend 2 months before i even found out about my dad, so it isn't a daddy figure thing... The thing is....I don't know, it is so hard to explain, but, I'll try.......
He gives me a feeling like i can do anything, even thinking of him gives me butterflies. I'd give anything for him. He's sept with all his other girlfriends, except me, maybe i'm wrong, but that means something to me. that he won't push me, and its not just about sex.
I trust him, i have never felt this way before, i can't explain it all...the nine months, i slept maybe 3 hours a night. i cut myself alot everyday, i drank too much, started selling drugs, had guys take advantage of me...but once we started talkng again, i stopped all that, it's like he is here to save me, and i know it sounds like every other teenage girl....but i can honestly say that he is the one i want to spend forever with. even if it sounds dumb, i dont' think i could live without him..
any advice on what i should do about it? He said he wants to marry me, and he's been completely faithful and amazing to me, he's kept his word on everything.....I have no reason not to trusi him....but i am scared, because this is all new to me. I never wanted to feel like this. i didnt want to be in love. i didn't even want to date. and never ever wanted to need someone. but here he is, making me weak, and completing my life.
if it is really the relationship for you, it will outlast all the odds....
good luck, dont lose your head over this and stop the cutting, scars are ugly.
take care.
What I'm saying is, don't rush headlong into a lifelong commitment when you don't know what you're going to want from life. If this is meant to be, and I'm CERTAINLY not saying it isn't, it can wait long enough for you to learn what kind of woman you're going to be.
At the very least, wait till you've graduated from high school until you make any kind of commitment. I know it seems like a long time, but PLEASE believe me when I tell you, it's not.
Remember, good things are worth waiting for.
I do see things differently now, but it doesn't mean that what I thought and felt when I was 14 was true and valid. What I have to say is it is great you have stopped most of the negative shit i.e. drugs, drinking etc... Try telling yourself this- don't worry too much about the future- what will be will be. If you are "meant to be" then you will- if you you will have another path. You have had a tough like but you are turning things around - YOU stopped the negative shit- no else one. It is just helpful to have someone to support you and share doing stuff that doesn't involved crap stuff for you.
Feeling strongly connected to anyone can be scary- especially for the first time and when you have had a hard time. Your family situation won't have helped with you feeling trusting and safe, let alone being raped. You don't say if you told anyone, had had any counselling or anything. How ever long after something like that happens to you do can really benefit in finding someone who is neutral and even professional to help you work through it. Whether you realise it or not it will have affected you a lot- especaially being so young. I don't mean that patronising- I can just see that at 14 you are still forming your sense of who you are and all that, even though you don't think you will think or feel differnetly about things you can.
Your time line of what happened when is a bit jumbled but it could be that the sexual attack has made you try and be more safe/withdrawn/scared from the world. What happened to you is one of the worse things that can happen to a person-I know. WHen I was younger -actually about 14 I was taken to see some counselling type people and I remember sat there going, yeah this happened when I was five, then this horrid thing happening but I am alright about that and I don't need to talk about that and fact is that is happened and that is it. I remember thinking as I walked out- "ha- fooled them". I didn't stop to think that I was fooling them, and myself that these things meant something. Plus actually "fooling them" wasn't so great. I am not saying this is what you are doing but I think even though at 14 I could look and sound adult in lots of ways I couldn't see I wasn't. Also, I wasn't ready to deal with that shit and I could just talk about it but like it was someone else and I was pretty emotionless when I did talk about it so this seem proof that it wasn't a big deal really. I couldn't have seen have most of this shit would affect me in years to come and it took me till 26 to start sorting it out! Hopefully, you have/can get external support you need. Not just with your boyfriend. In someways could it be easier to focus on what is / isn't going on with him than other stuff like family and being raped fallout?
Your thing with him will probably feel even more powerful if you feel safe with him. But- you have created this feeling yourself-no-one can create your feelings for you. You do that.
The future will take take of it's self don't worry about it too much apart from what you do today and tomorrow. Now stuff all adults bleat about keep up with your friends- this may be hard if you want to be with him all the time but imagine if you are always with him you won't have anything to talk about. I love cake. But if I had cake with every meal I would soon get tired of it!! If you get that... You get a different sort of buzz from hanging out with girls and not just the bloke you love! Do as well at school as you can- whether you are with him or not in the future you need as good as grades as you can so you always have something to rely on. Ultimately we will always have ourselves in our lives!!! Trusting someone isn't weak- it strengthens you as long as you are putting your trust in someone worthy. With what has happened to you it is no wonder you find it tricky- I do. People earn trust it isn't automatically given. Do stuff that makes you and him proud of you- but him being proud has to be a by product- you do it for yourself and not anyone else. Also, when feeling overwhelmed remember feelings are just feelings which are products of thoughts so you are in control.
Take care and sorry for the long rant!