Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hi everyone. I just hit the over one year mark with my boyfriend who is an amazing person. He is a very kind loving fun person and I am truly happy. in our relationship "I" not him, have been through a lot of emotional difficulties. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship and began a relationship with my current boyfriend. With that, I was getting used to being in a "normal" relationship and he has many friends that are girls and that took a lot for me to get used to especially because not all of the girls at first were open arms for me. then his ex girlfriend is best friends with all of the girls so that causes animosity and awkwardness and I feel like walls between me and some of the girls whether or not they really like my current boyfriend. that's a little background.
so with that I do not know if I am tired of pleasing all of his friends and trying to fit in, when I feel like I get no where. the guys are all great, but the girls.....its been over a year and I could honestly say only 2 actually spend time with me, text or call, etc. out of 15-20.
he just recently has bought a home and has spent alllll his time on his house. we barely have alone time, I feel like he is always stressed with working and his house which I understand but it is getting just too much for me. he is always grump with me, telling me I am either being crazy jealous or weird. its like if im real happy I annoy him or if im in a sad mood because I had real bad depression a year ago so sometimes my moods still fluctuate which is why im not sure If I am thinking too much here. I don't know I hope someone can understand my rambling post, there truly is so much more but hard to type so much in one.
I just want to be happy and lately I do not feel like I am making him happy. we do not do any dates, if we go out it is to bars with friends or staying in to go to sleep early because we ar eboth exhausted.
so this weekend I gave him a break from me and I went out with my friends all weekend. then we met up last night and a bar with his friends and he just barely even acknowledged me. I don't no if he realizes what he is doing because he truly is such a sweet man but it really hurts me. and if I talk to him about I know he will just feel like I am complaining and nagging I feel like I cannot do anything.
so with that I do not know if I am tired of pleasing all of his friends and trying to fit in, when I feel like I get no where. the guys are all great, but the girls.....its been over a year and I could honestly say only 2 actually spend time with me, text or call, etc. out of 15-20.
he just recently has bought a home and has spent alllll his time on his house. we barely have alone time, I feel like he is always stressed with working and his house which I understand but it is getting just too much for me. he is always grump with me, telling me I am either being crazy jealous or weird. its like if im real happy I annoy him or if im in a sad mood because I had real bad depression a year ago so sometimes my moods still fluctuate which is why im not sure If I am thinking too much here. I don't know I hope someone can understand my rambling post, there truly is so much more but hard to type so much in one.
I just want to be happy and lately I do not feel like I am making him happy. we do not do any dates, if we go out it is to bars with friends or staying in to go to sleep early because we ar eboth exhausted.
so this weekend I gave him a break from me and I went out with my friends all weekend. then we met up last night and a bar with his friends and he just barely even acknowledged me. I don't no if he realizes what he is doing because he truly is such a sweet man but it really hurts me. and if I talk to him about I know he will just feel like I am complaining and nagging I feel like I cannot do anything.
- since I ve been in a few abusive relationships I can relate to you.
Women who come out of those relationships usually end up with a guy who mimics the previous asshole bf, because abused women are conditioned and brainwashed to accept a use as normal. Is he in any way abusive to you ? If not - great. Problem number two happens - if you did a good job and picked a non-abuser this time , it is still possible that you sort of expect the guy to do bad things because this is what you know from before. Jealousy and mistrust is the baggage from the past, but I feel he is fueling your issues by hanging around with a these women and you are absolutely entitled to have concerns.
You can't have it both ways - be in a relationship and have women texting him daily as if I is single. Some social behaviors IMO need to be toned down a little when you commit. In my experience this kind of constant interaction doesn't lead to good outcomes.
It is possible, however, to become a total nag when you are trying to get your point across to someone.
Anxiety, inability to present valid arguments to prove your point, presenting your issue at inappropriate moment ( like throwing a fit in the middle of something or talking to him at work on the phone) and frequent conversations about the same thing as well as going through his stuff can make you appear extremely annoying and once that happens, he won't listen to anything any more.
If he knows that you are ticked off, jealous and suspiciousness relationship stops being fun at that point.
Basically - the choices you have are:
1 sit him down again and be very WELL prepared to discuss your issues and do it in a non-threatening manner
2 be prepared to deal with whatever answer he gives you.
If he is not willing to quit constant chatting with women Re you ready to accept or move on?
3 or do nothing at all and stop worrying about what he does and make your time together without any conversations about issues - just have fun.
Insecurity is something you have to work through, whether youre with him or not. Right now, you can either choose to do it with him, or without him. Your choice of actions will result in his choosing the outcome.
Here is the thing - I understood that jealousy is really not the fear of losing someone. We CAN live without the person we love. What we can't live with is the understand that losing this person was out of our control and now we are forced to be hurt.
People do not like unexpected pain.
What I decided for myself is that everyone is going to hurt me in some way intentionally or unintentionally. I can't control that. If I shut down because the world is cruel, I will be missing out on love, excitement, new people, special moments of deep connection with someone ..
So I am living with expectation that at any moment this person can turn around and hurt me and I am OK with that, so I am going to enjoy the good I have now and I will not let the hypothetical horrible future ruin my present.
So, if you can, please just consider this philosophy and see if it helps you somehow.