Has he always been like this? Have you ever been to couples counseling? If he is not willing to communicate or do anything on his part to open up to you...well, the proof is in the pudding. I am so sorry...I hope that's not it...but you might have to insist on therapy in order to get to the bottom of his issue or consider ending the relationship if he continues to stonewall you. And if you do end it...whose to say you have to move out? It may be the wake up call that he needs. Best of luck. Take care.

Hi. I will be watching this post closely. I've been married for only 7 years, but we've been through some pretty rough stuff (2 high risk pregnancies that cost me dearly (health complications), his father's addiction and temper, family business that he owns 50% of and is the only child wanting anything to do with it, our daughter's special needs, and my sexual/physical/emotional abuse as a child just to name a few). Your story sounds like mine as far as him being checked out emotionally. Sure, he's a great husband, but there's something missing. I don't have any advice but my thoughts and prayers are with you.

What would you say to him if he'd listen? Write it here.

Maybe he just doesn't see any solutions to those "family problems" you mentioned, so talking about them, to him, is overreated, a waste of breath and only spreads misery?

And maybe, even though there's no solution to these problems, you just need a sounding board, someone who will listen to you complain?

Just reaching here...

Excuse me, typo...overrated.

Well, let me put some meat on this post. He grew up on a farm--authoritative father and the martyr verbally abused mother. Nothing in the family is resolved...just pushed under the rug. They can sit around and talk about the price of apples or the weather for hours. Underlying issues show their ugly faces in short bursts of anger towards each other and there it ends. They are essentially--polite to each other. He spent much of his life in a tractor--alone. Barn--alone. No school activities, no sports---just work work work. I think you get the picture. We went to counseling and we began to at least do things together. Up until that time---all he did was work--yard, cars, refinishing woodwork and so on. HOWEVER--going out to dinner, to parties and so on make for a nice dating scene. When there are family issues he flat out ignores me. Does not want to engage. Even when I moved into the spare room, we chat and talk like college roommates. Well, we are prayerful people and he did ask me to join him tonight in prayer - that was a first. I will keep you posted...

BTW--I don't see the discussions as "complaining" per se...perhaps sometimes, but we have some issues we are dealing with concerning our daughters. I teach---when we -or I should say I - was dealing with the drugs, sex alcohol issue with my daughter, I would go to school early so I could ask the custodian his advice. I actually ran lots of stuff through him just to get another person's viewpoint on what to do. WHY? Because he did not want to get involved. He can't deal with the emotion of it. The result is---the kids respond to him now politely---respectfully---they WANT him. They still talk to me like they were teenagers.

yes i know just how you feel and sometimes you might have to let him know how you really feel...let him no that you are thankful for what he does already but there are other parts of things that have to be done or taken care of when it comes to raising a family.....and if he cant understand that then theres never going to be any change...if you every need someone to talk to just let me know

Then,...what I gather you're saying is that he is who he is. He was born and bred to withdraw and disengage from all emotional trials of life.

Being over 50 myself, I have learned a few things. If I want to change the way I behave, I will change it. No matter how long or deeply I have carried my childhood baggage; or how I've learned to view adulthood through my experiences, I CAN choose to drop the old baggage by the side of the road and move forward with a new view on life. It is totally, completely up to me. However, many of my lessons in life happened when a freakin' mack dropped on my head. And Sister,...I believe you will have to drop a 2 ton Mack on your man's head. Enough Mrs.Nice,...Mrs. Laying-Down-And-Taking-It... SHOW him how you feel, let him know you are NOT putting up with this behavior anymore and He Must Change. He needs to *want to*, and he needs to go to counselling *while married to you* so he can be the man you *both* deserve in this life.

I can't imagine living out life as he is doing. I really, really hope he learns to let go of his baggage and move on in life with a sense of freedom, intimacy, involvement, care and love.

(hug)
Good luck with this!!!

Thank you for your comments. Last night we had a pow-wow. He has "showed" me with "behavior" how he has changed; I told him that at this point I need to hear words. I truly believe that when you say it---when it is out of your mouth -- then it becomes real...there are no more guesses. No more wonderings. So---he did. He said he has over-controlled the money---lack of emotional involvement with the kids during the years we needed him most---and emotionally detached. He is willing to read a book I find for him to guide him to understand how to be more empathetic. He just plain ol' doesn't know how. Does anyone know of a good read to offer him?

BTW--we were to counseling and the result was that we needed to spend more time with each other. Did that. That was the start. We just need to take it to the next level. While he has made promises---I will stay in the spare room until I am sure he will read and continue to pursue our agreement. Ms. TerLynn--I agree. I must stay strong, keep the line in the sand - with love - to save my marriage!

Here is a book about emotionally unavailable man. It's half for him and the other half directed at those attempting to connect with them. Maybe this can be of some help.

http://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Unavailable-Man-Blueprint-Healing/dp/1568250967

Try the book "The Five Love Languages". Very good read. My husband and I read it aloud together...it helped for awhile.

The Five Love Languages is a great start. It talks about eachothers love language. Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality time, Acts of Service and gifts.
He grew up in an emotionally bankrupt house. I grew up in the same. I choose to communicate in a relationship. He is afraid that communication will = distress and confrontation and he won't be able to handle that. That is not the case but he probably learned to be silent as it was easier that way. After this much time he needs to work on you not focus on what was and learn new ways of being as he is safe to do so now. I used to walk on eggshells around my mother and her alcoholism. That is how she controlled people. We can choose to remain of victim of our past or choose to be a victor. He is probably just scared. Check the book out. My grandmother passed away at 90 and she stayed with him her whole life and he didn't know how to show love. She said she lived with alot of regret and wished she could have done it over. Keep communicating and let him know what is important to you and he just doesn't know what to do it sounds like. Otherwise you seem to have a good man in your corner. Best to you! :)

I see 2 of us recommended the same book without knowing it. :) It will help him understand how to give to your love language. You can also take the online quiz.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

WOW--thanks. I am new to this blog--to any blog for that matter. You are all so helpful. I am glad I joined. BTW--maebeth--never give up. After something works for a little while, try something else. As long as he is willing, it is worth it.