i think your on to something there koolman. maybe you aren't connecting because there's something within you that doesn't feel valuable or worth loving. maybe within you lies something that wants to stay in a surface relationship because you aren't sure you will be accepted by another person.

That's true! I think it goes back to the 4th grade, when I was this scrawny albino who got relentlessly and brutally picked on by 4 jocks. I'm afraid to put my heart out there and be vulnerable because it may get chopped off. But...that's exactly what I've got to do, and I'm trying...it sucks too because everyone else is dealing with their OWN fragile self-esteems and don't want to get hurt either! But, I have to make the first step and take a risk here if I ever want to get what I want, so I'm doing that...thanks for the good advice!

sure...well, having low self esteem can be very cruel....have you considered therapy?

I talked with a psychologist when I was 18, graduated high school, and all these issues came crashing down. I've been cool from 18-41, then my beloved 40-year-old brother got sick and died of cancer. He was a really important person in my life, my spiritual guide, soul-mate, best bud whom we talked about everything with (including relationships and sex), hell, we even watched pornos together (never whipped them out, just watched), making fun of the performers' performances! He and I were crazy partners-in-crime, but in a very sweet way. I've been having NO luck trying to fill that HUMONGOUS void through another significant other. Guess it's time to visit the ol' shrink again...

koolman no one will ever fill that space he was your brother, bestfriend, confidant. you are afraid to be that open with someone else again in case this kind of thing happens again. the pain of loosing a loved one can be devistating to your whole life. I lost my dad in january (not my father my dad) to lung cancer. It has totally changed my life and how i see things. that void will never be filled by anyone.

suggestion: greif coouncelling my friend it helps.

I am truly sorry for your loss. I agree that your brother will always be singularly important in your life and you will never replace him...

On the subject of this post - women...you might be moving too fast. I am notorious for doing this...hey...your hot...wanna get married...Cant do that Koolman...gotta give it a chance (although what I say and how it applies to my own life are sometimes different - see my post is he into me??? LOL)...

Listen to your own words in your post "I dont know you, therefore, how can I love you"...good question and how long does it take to fall deeply in love with someone? It takes a moment to want someone and a lifetime to get to know them, but how long to fall in love? Only time will give us that answer...

thanks, lizzygirl. Good advice. I'm probably not over the grief of this humongous loss, so it's going to take "baby steps" for me to get into any woman right now, because my heart is so fragile. And I don't want to use somebody as a rebound and then, as soon as I feel better and am back on top of my game, dump her--don't want to be that asshole. I'm afraid, however, that my heartbreak is "tainting" all future relationships. I'm not sure how much of this to divulge the first time I meet someone, because it is depressing, and I want to keep things, fun, light and sociable at first.

kool my heart goes out to you about your brother. i lost my cousin 5 yrs ago.form childhood he was more my brother.the pain is still thereand know im loosing my mom to cancer and she is my hero. i too long for the emotional connection again,one that i did not have with my x. oh to be loved,truely loved

Well...I would wait a bit, not long...to tell that special someone what has happened in your life. The experience is real and there and fresh and it is and will continue to become part of who you are.

The guy that I just met...you responded to my post...he told me about a MAJOR life event on our second weekend together. It was good that he did because he needed my acceptance and It gave me great insight as to who he is...so...you need to get to know the person a little bit...decide if you want to get to know them a little bit more and then tell them about your loss...

Thanks, gals. My situation is probably more suited to the Bereavement board (and I'm there too), but I want to mix it up with people in a HEALTHY way too, which is why I'm here (I hate being sad and depressed). I have a feeling the holidays are going to be a particularly depressing time for the rest of my life. I freaked out the last girl I met and kinda liked by divulging a lot of this on her myspace site after our first social meeting, and now she can't look me in the eye! Maybe she wasn't sure if she liked me to begin with, and now can't seem to deal with me. I would like to make this tragedy a small portion of my life and continue to have fun with the people I just met who are still here, but grief does taint one's soul and one's existence...this sucks! I'm sure even my brother himself is screaming at me from beyond the grave to get in there and mix it up...I guess I just don't wanna lose my heart in someone else when I don't know where my heart is at the moment. Thinking of seeing a shrink.

.

I think women act more on emotion than men.

Men are funamentally logical in their outlook.

...

Ronin: By and large, yeah, that seems to be true, although I've found women who are more "man-like" in that THEY don't like to face THEIR emotions either. We should take each individual on their own merits before we generalize the whole gender.

I can vouch for the fact that men ARE emotional; I for one tend to keep my emotions bottled up until they blow, in some tremendous fit of anger or crying like it's the end of the world. It seems the world expects men to be strong, handle a tremendous amount of responsibility, etc., and it's really, really tough to be that stoic creature all the time. If only men could do more of a "slow burn"...hope this finds y'all well...

When it comes to SEX, it seems men (myself included) tend to be visually stimulated, whereas women tend to be more emotionally stimulated; i.e. when a guy really understands their hearts and souls, that turns them on. Anyone agree? Hope I didn't stir up a hornet's nest on this one...