Healthy Relationships Support Group

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The Female Friend

rainBowsLoveMe
rainBowsLoveMe
My boyfriend has a female friend who he's known for several years before he's met me so they are very close. I feel very left out because they have so many things in common and we are pretty much literally on opposite spectrums. They RP together(like Star Wars, etc.), stuff like that :/ He'll even go to her for advice about problems that he should probably talk to me about... I know it shouldn't matter, but when I hear small things like one of our friends say like "oh, then we can be eskimo brothers then" a term referring to when two guys sleep with the same person; and this conversation referring to my boyfriend saying that our friend should hook up with said female friend, wigs me out cause then it makes my mind wander to what did they exactly do in that allotted time that they've known each other? It worries me cause I know he visits her every once in a blue moon in Chicago. I've actually taken up practicing Budhism because my insecurities have begun taking such a tole on me emotionally that it's affecting my life. I've even blocked her on FB so I'll stop looking at her profile.
shelle68
shelle68
Open, positive communication. Have the friend do things with the two of you as well.
Talk to your bf when you aren't feeling insecure.
rainBowsLoveMe
rainBowsLoveMe
It's hard to do anything with her cause she lives in Chicago. My boyfriend lives here in Vermont, which is also where I'm currently going to college. We follow eachother on Instagram, but that's about all the interaction we have with one another.
deleted_user
deleted_user
He knew her several years before he met you
deleted_user
deleted_user
I wouldn't worry so much, he only actually sees her once in a blue moon. They are friends and he isn't physically spending time with her. Try to build a closer relationship with him so you can be the one he asks advice and shares more things with. Sometimes people really are just friends.
caseyk
caseyk
Talk to him about how u feel. How long have you been going out with him? I had very few friends in school and college, and most of them were guys, cos i cant handle girl-drama. And I never had any relationship with any of them except being friends. So there might be no relationship esp since she lives away. Jealousy can be hard, i've been there too. Try talking to him. Maybe if you guys have been going out long enough, maybe u can join him on his next visit to chicago to meet her.
rainBowsLoveMe
rainBowsLoveMe
I'm waiting until the right moment to talk to him not just about this, but about another situation involving him apparently finding me more sexually attractive and not so much mentally. It bothers me because he went to her about this and didn't want to talk to me about it... I can somewhat understand because I could have been hurt, but there's also the thing that if he feels the relationship isn't working, then come tell me so that I can potentially try and make it better. I can't fix something if I don't know it's broken... This part bothers me because he tells me he loves me, but then it makes me feel like it's only lust then if this is the case. There's just alot I need to figure out....
rainBowsLoveMe
rainBowsLoveMe
BTW: we've only been going out for 3-4 months; known eachother for a year.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Your feelings of insecurity about this friend may never go away if these activities continue. I think it is way too soon for you to set ultimatums or anything of that nature. I would give him a taste of his own medicine. As I have said before, truly platonic friendships between a man and woman are very rare. Often, one has feelings for the other.
Shine14
Shine14
Theres no need to give him a "taste of his own medicine" - some may consider that playing games and attempting to manipulate the situation to get a certain responce/reaction from him.
Your insecurities will not go away, and the situation will probably only get worse.
Honestly, you have two options. Either come to terms with it, or move on.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Why the need to "taste his own medicine"? Is he not allowed to have this friend he has had for SEVERAL YEARS prior to your 3-4 month thing
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm of the opinion that these things rarely end well. Especially when it's causing tension in one of the people involved. I think people don't realize how others feel until they are in the same situation. Would he mind if you spoke to one of your male friends and had a similarly close relationship? it would be an interesting revelation to find out.
HelloMimi
HelloMimi
What would bother me here is that eskimo brother comment, I think that's just disrespectful, if he was involved with her in the past he shouldn't be rubbing it on your face.

I can see Swervo's point, sometimes there's double standards in relationships and that's not good, however, IMO it would be better to talk about it instead of playing games, that's exhausting and a waste of time.
deleted_user
deleted_user
The poster is 20 years old. She has a ton of life ahead of her, and learning how to navigate relationships is just part of it.

I don't know how old BF was when he started being friends with this other girl...what, 12? 13? 14 years old? But childhood friends are huge to some people. This girl is a childhood friend considering they all, literally, came out of childhood a couple years ago.

I'm not an inherently spiteful, jealous, or suspicious person, so perhaps my take on this is a little more positive...but I think being the GF who expects a guy to dump his buddy is a pretty crappy thing.
rainBowsLoveMe
rainBowsLoveMe
@Swerv It's funny that you mention 'a taste of his own medicine' because I also have a close friend of the opposite sex where this very same scenario happened and I wanted to hangout with him one day and he actually got very jealous over not just this, but that I was asking him for advice about our problems, instead of talking to HIM about it. So in a way this has already happened..
rainBowsLoveMe
rainBowsLoveMe
@Hello He actually never said anything, he was completely silent. It was our friend that made that comment and then It started to make me uncomfortable because I knew what it could possibly mean and how close they are as friends..