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Help! I'm not sure what to do in this situation.
For the last six months I've been walking with my neighbor. She is well-liked and has many friends/acquaintances.
For the most part, my experiences with her have been enjoyable. There have been two times recently, however, when a red flag has gone up. They were small, subtle happenings but I'd like some feedback on how to handle them.
The first happened after the movies. Four of us had gone to a movie and then out to lunch. She wondered out loud where we should eat. We were in the mall so there were lots of choices but I wanted Greek food and made that suggestion. She said it was out of the way and I said, "yes, but not by much." She ignored me.
I clammed up immediately. When I clam up I withdraw emotionally. She did notice when we sat down to eat that I'd become very quiet and said, "We'll have Greek food next time." It took me awhile to come around.
I would have liked to have been acknowledged on the spot when I said, "yes, but not by much," not 10 minutes later when we were seated at the table and my silence was evident.
Later, I went over the situation in my head and this is the conversation that was going on: (1)Stop expecting people to act like you think they should. Sure, it would have been nice to have been acknowledged on the spot, but she did get around to you eventually. (2) Stop judging people when they don't meet your expectations. (3) Stop being so controlling. (4) I know my old buttons get pressed around being ignored as a kid, but I'm not a kid any more. Still, I would have liked it if she had said something like, "How about if we just eat here this time and catch the Greek food at another time." That would have been fine with me. But to have her just walk off without a word of acknowledgment sent me back to my childhood days. (5) Why can't I just laugh it off. Why can't I be laid-back about these subtle slights because that's what it felt like to me--a subtle slight.
The second incident was another subtle slight. We often give each other a hug when we meet. I'd been talking to another neighbor when she walked up to us. I'd been sharing my experience of a great weekend I'd just had.
A new friend had included me in her "Spa Day at Home." She'd hired five professionals for the day: a nutritionist, fitness trainer, acupuncturist, Swedish massage person and a radio personality astrologer to work with us; we spent an hour with each person. It was great. I don't think I was bragging; after all, I wasn't the one who hired them.
But my sense is that this 'friend' instead of being happy for me was put out. I hugged her but she did not return my hug. As if to confirm my red flag, her behavior the same day had me upset.
We are both members of the landscape committee and since we live right across from each other, walk up to the meeting room together. This day she did not stop so we could walk together. I hadn't seen her pass my window so I went to her door and her husband said she'd gone on.
I walked to the meeting and asked her, "What's going on? How come you didn't stop for me?" She said she hadn't seen my shade up so didn't stop. All shades were up in my office and I said that to her.
After the meeting, I asked her again, "What's going on. I wouldn't do that to you." She said nothing was going on. But my gut tells me otherwise.
This morning I changed my walking schedule with her. The truth is my plate is full and I need to take care of business first. But, I also know the red flags are bugging me and wonder if I might try talking with her again.
My gut tells me she is insecure, in spite of her extroverted personality, and likability and feels threatened by any fun/success I might have. But why?
Or is this stuff following me from my own insecure childhood and I'm the one who needs to make room for new behaviors? I like her a lot but do not like the subtle messages I get from her. It's hell sorting thru this relationship shit.
Any ideas?
For the last six months I've been walking with my neighbor. She is well-liked and has many friends/acquaintances.
For the most part, my experiences with her have been enjoyable. There have been two times recently, however, when a red flag has gone up. They were small, subtle happenings but I'd like some feedback on how to handle them.
The first happened after the movies. Four of us had gone to a movie and then out to lunch. She wondered out loud where we should eat. We were in the mall so there were lots of choices but I wanted Greek food and made that suggestion. She said it was out of the way and I said, "yes, but not by much." She ignored me.
I clammed up immediately. When I clam up I withdraw emotionally. She did notice when we sat down to eat that I'd become very quiet and said, "We'll have Greek food next time." It took me awhile to come around.
I would have liked to have been acknowledged on the spot when I said, "yes, but not by much," not 10 minutes later when we were seated at the table and my silence was evident.
Later, I went over the situation in my head and this is the conversation that was going on: (1)Stop expecting people to act like you think they should. Sure, it would have been nice to have been acknowledged on the spot, but she did get around to you eventually. (2) Stop judging people when they don't meet your expectations. (3) Stop being so controlling. (4) I know my old buttons get pressed around being ignored as a kid, but I'm not a kid any more. Still, I would have liked it if she had said something like, "How about if we just eat here this time and catch the Greek food at another time." That would have been fine with me. But to have her just walk off without a word of acknowledgment sent me back to my childhood days. (5) Why can't I just laugh it off. Why can't I be laid-back about these subtle slights because that's what it felt like to me--a subtle slight.
The second incident was another subtle slight. We often give each other a hug when we meet. I'd been talking to another neighbor when she walked up to us. I'd been sharing my experience of a great weekend I'd just had.
A new friend had included me in her "Spa Day at Home." She'd hired five professionals for the day: a nutritionist, fitness trainer, acupuncturist, Swedish massage person and a radio personality astrologer to work with us; we spent an hour with each person. It was great. I don't think I was bragging; after all, I wasn't the one who hired them.
But my sense is that this 'friend' instead of being happy for me was put out. I hugged her but she did not return my hug. As if to confirm my red flag, her behavior the same day had me upset.
We are both members of the landscape committee and since we live right across from each other, walk up to the meeting room together. This day she did not stop so we could walk together. I hadn't seen her pass my window so I went to her door and her husband said she'd gone on.
I walked to the meeting and asked her, "What's going on? How come you didn't stop for me?" She said she hadn't seen my shade up so didn't stop. All shades were up in my office and I said that to her.
After the meeting, I asked her again, "What's going on. I wouldn't do that to you." She said nothing was going on. But my gut tells me otherwise.
This morning I changed my walking schedule with her. The truth is my plate is full and I need to take care of business first. But, I also know the red flags are bugging me and wonder if I might try talking with her again.
My gut tells me she is insecure, in spite of her extroverted personality, and likability and feels threatened by any fun/success I might have. But why?
Or is this stuff following me from my own insecure childhood and I'm the one who needs to make room for new behaviors? I like her a lot but do not like the subtle messages I get from her. It's hell sorting thru this relationship shit.
Any ideas?
My neighbor is very sensitive about class levels. We've never had them to our home because, for the most part, my husband and I are private people. We have very few people over because we are not social butterflies.
I think my sharing about the spa day hit her "class level" button. About the lunch? Well, I'm not sure. But, just having written my conflicting emotions down and knowing someone might read and reply to it, helped that breakthrough come in.
WOW. I feel better already. Another lesson and reminder for me to trust myself. My gut was on target.
Smiling again.
Is that so bad you went for another type of cuisine?
Try not to weave events together. Handle issues as they arise and if your are both straight with each other, you'll get to the bottom of it eventually -- if there even is an over-arching issue.
Thanks for your insight. Maybe she was trying to tactfully tell me that she didn't feel like Greek food but, unfortunately, or fortunately, I hear better when people are upfront with me.
We have since cleared the air with me telling her she was in my life to teach me how to move among people easily because she is quite good at that and her saying that I'm in her life to teach her how to be upfront. Wasn't that a happy ending :)
It feels resolved, but Goldfish, thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it.