I think the safer way to go is having pride in being "owned". That way you are appreciating the relationship yet less likely to stray over to those possessive and jealous thoughts/actions.

It will always be a balancing act. I don't think it is difficult however if you always remember the person next to you is there by choice and not because they are supposed to be there. How can you not appreciate that?

Dren, I agree with the bull of what you are saying but something occurred to me while I was reading your reply.

Is it any better/worse to be told by your partner, "I was cheating" versus learning on your own? I don't really think there is a difference. If anything, I'd rather be happy, have it all go down in a short period of time, then get angry for a bit, break up and move on. The alternative is being suspicious and controlling which is more of a prolonged agony for both partners.

"bulk" of what you are saying...

LOL

personally, I would like to hear what exactly this pastor's point was in his talk.

i think when people are displaying control and "fits" as you described shows true immaturity and a lack of self confidence.

The possessiveness I would like for someone to show me are things like putting his arm around me when standing in a crowd, or holding my face in his hands when we are being close...

I guess to me I think relationships are in a way like recipes. You need the right amounts of all the ingredients to make it work. Too much of any ingredient or lack of will certainly make the outcome a disaster. Everyone in my opinion needs a bit of space and time to themselves every now and then so giving your partner that time and also having it yourself adds an extra dose of consideration.

Being too needy or dependent on someone will almost always lead to misery. And then we all have that feeling of jealously which I compare to like the salt ingredient. A dash of salt is normal but if you use to much salt that recipe will no longer be sweet and most certainly will turn out bitter. The same applies to a relationship.

For example if a fella were to flirt with me and I am involved with another I would kindly tell him to back off as I am not interested and if I have to be more firm about that issue I would do so. I would hope my partner would administer the same action if he were approached by someone wanting more then just friendly companionship. Not because we both are obligated to do this but because we both respect each other and we truly have no interest in being with anyone else but each other.

When I see all the posts regarding their significant other is hiding text messages or emails I think to myself there is a sure sign they are no longer following a recipe but have indeed started adding their own secret ingredients which usually can cause what I call an allergic reaction to your partner meaning they are going to start to become annoyed, irritated and have a fear of what might be going on simply because all the ingredients are not put on the table.

In all aspects I believe common sense and balance are the right steps in overcoming a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings in any relationship. Fights will happen but what is most important is that when you fight that you both solve the issue and neither one of you is left feeling like something is missing, again all the ingredients you both share need to be shown.

I also see a lot of posts of people talking about their partners cheating. Well speaking only for myself here if that happens to me the recipe I once knew has been ruined therefore I withdraw all my ingredients and move on. Hard to do? You bet it is but very necessary to do in my recipe book. If a person chooses to stay and work things out then they have to be prepared to change their recipe and make sure it is one you can and want to keep contributing to.

I just find that simply by paying attention to your partner and their behavior gives you the signals if you should add more to your relationship or maybe lighten up a bit on some of the ingredients. Just remember don't use too much or too less of anything use little bits and see what the outcome is. Either the bread will sink or it will rise. If all the ingredients you put in a relationship are right you will find that your partner does not feel obligated to come home to you but wants to come home to you.

Anyway I rambled quite a bit here lol but that was an interesting post koolman hopefully you can make a bit of sense of where I am coming from lol Cheers:)

great response katiebell!!!

I'm not a big fan of the terms "ownership" or "entitlement" when it comes to relationships. They do lend themselves to being terms used to control someone else.

However, if you look at people having to "own up" to thier actions or responsibilities, then the term "ownership" could be viewed differently. In that respect, you could say that you own the "relationship" and because of that, you should take pride in it and do what is necessary to keep it as "shiny and new" as you possiblly can. You made the decision to marry this person now "own up" to your responsibilities when it comes to your marriage.

For me, owning up to the marriage is showing respect for her and her showing respect for me. Treating each other with kindness and striving to achieve common goals. At the same time, continuing to make yourself a better person and meeting your own goals. You need to have some independence in a relationship to keep from feeling stuck. Most of all, communicate so problems don't arise that allow that thing you own (namely, a married partnership with another person) from falling into disrepair from neglect. Just my $0.02

I think Goldfish hit it on the head here. It isn't about you being possessive over the other it's about you allowing yourself to be theirs and only theirs and taking pride in that.

Jealousy, secrets, etc just get in the way of it all. If you can't allow yourself to be completely your SO's then maybe you need to reevaluate and renegotiate the relationship. Not saying you can't overcome these feelings, just saying communication with your SO and having a common idea of what should be and what is acceptable is kind of important.

My idea of "belonging" to someone may be entirely different than another - so talking about it is always key.

And I have to say... very poignant Goldfish, "I don't think it is difficult however if you always remember the person next to you is there by choice and not because they are supposed to be there. How can you not appreciate that?"

Thanks, ladies.

You're right--it all starts with me, the individual. Whether the other feels the same way is up to them. And each person's sense of "belonging" is different. When two different senses of belonging agree, that's the beautiful ideal.

For me, they're either not interested AT ALL or obsessed and controlling. But maybe the reason for this is I come off as either a domineering jerk or haunted by meagers and withdrawn. Working on achieving some middle ground, seeing eye-to-eye...being emotionally present and loving, but not needy...guess we're all working on that.