Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Sorry if this is kind long...Gosh, Where to start? I don't work due to a disability, my husband has a very good job, he takes care of the household finances /separate banking accounts. Here's the problem, anytime I ask if we can do anything his response is we don't have the funds. I know it bs as he has the funds for anything he wants to do. Money is not the issue, the issue is is that it's something he doesn't want to do! I had asked him a few yrs ago if we could go to a concert (my favorite band) he responded with... it's either that or vacation that summer, really? We have been vacationing there for 9/10 yrs. Well this yr I told my husband that I would not be going this yr as I'm tired of going on vacation us 2 girls sit around and wait for them to get back from all day golfing there's really nothing for us to do.
Anyways I told him I would like to go someplace else this yr, it is after all a big world. I told him that everything we do there i can do at home, example; i can sit around here and wait for him to get home from golf, i can clean up after everyone here, i can also go to the lake here. I suggested Gatlinburg as I've always wanted to go there, HE responded with "We don't have the funds" are you kidding me? What we spend on lodging, food and all the alcohol we have bought in the past.
Bottom line its not what he wants to do. I'm so feed up!
After everything I do for him, including taking care of his dying mother for 7 weeks by myself! (I would have taken care of her even if she wasn't my mother in law, I loved her dearly.)
It like pulling teeth to get him to go anyplace or do anything unless one of his buddies want hm to go and do something. Recently he bought and had a heater installed in the garage so when his friends come over to play pool every other weekend he can heat the garage so they have a warm place to smoke ( we live in the northeast) Yet we never have the fund to do anything.
Anyways I told him I would like to go someplace else this yr, it is after all a big world. I told him that everything we do there i can do at home, example; i can sit around here and wait for him to get home from golf, i can clean up after everyone here, i can also go to the lake here. I suggested Gatlinburg as I've always wanted to go there, HE responded with "We don't have the funds" are you kidding me? What we spend on lodging, food and all the alcohol we have bought in the past.
Bottom line its not what he wants to do. I'm so feed up!
After everything I do for him, including taking care of his dying mother for 7 weeks by myself! (I would have taken care of her even if she wasn't my mother in law, I loved her dearly.)
It like pulling teeth to get him to go anyplace or do anything unless one of his buddies want hm to go and do something. Recently he bought and had a heater installed in the garage so when his friends come over to play pool every other weekend he can heat the garage so they have a warm place to smoke ( we live in the northeast) Yet we never have the fund to do anything.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
If you do, you just may want to plan your own things, for just you to do, with either your friends or family, or by yourself, and he can decide if he wants to go or not. If you don't, I think you need to negotiate the financial terms of your relationship, so you can agree on what is spent where, with whom and by whom.
Not to excuse bad behavior, but I think it's hard to get people to change, or even realize their behavior or that they're set in their ways, so maybe it's a matter of accepting that he's like this and giving yourself permission to do your own thing, independent of him.
Or maybe ask your hubby if you could start an 'extras' fund... Put a little away each month to save for the fun things you'd like to do
I think the way a person spends money or doesn't spend it is often ingrained ... Part of upbringing
I kind of can relate to what it feels like not to be able to have a say in things because of health problems as well as the effects of that on a relationship..
Idk about everything that happened between you and husband up until this point, but I would imagine that most people want a spouse with whom you do things together because you both are fond of each other's company!
It sounds like he is just avoiding doing anything with you period.
When do you think this began to happen?
Did you enjoy spending time together before ?
I suggest you first ask him to show you what your finances look like. Have him give you access to all the accounts (for the just in case) Then you can see if you can afford it or not.
How long have you lived this way?
We have been together for 27 yrs and married 23. He's always been good with money and it's not that I spend, spend all the time .
Oh, he will do things with me as long as it's something he wants to do which isn't much.
I am going to make him sit down with me and show me what's what. I'm sure he's going to scramble to hide some accounts.
I am planning to save some $$ and go do something even if it's by myself, might take me a while to do it but maybe it might wake him up.?
Things are changing now. People now share money magament. Usually one person pays bills, but you should know what's going on and have access to ALL your accounts and know what the money flow is.
I hate to sound skeptical, but for all you know he could be stashing money away and planning his exit and if this happens, where would you be ?
Take care of yourself. Hope for the best, but have a plan B for the worst.
Do a bit of detective work, if you have a joint checking account.. Go to the bank and ask how to access this information online. Or you can just ask for years worth of statements.
I find the secrecy a little concerning What else is he being so secret about?
You must know what your bills are, give or take, and you must have an idea of how much your husband makes. You know what your disability brings in, which IS income, and you know your father contributes $500. a month. Between your income and your father's rent, that's a fair chunk of money. It's unbalanced that you don't have access to this money, and that's what troubles me.
Is the money being spent by your husband on his recreational activities? If he's not a selfish man, I can't see any good reason why he wouldn't give you access to money and the independence to spend it on things you deem necessary.