Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

9,961 Members

13,641 Posts

2 Online

jessiplus3 01/27/2018

Brief history- I’ve been married to my husband for 8.5 years and we have 3 children, 13, 11 and 6. I moved in with family 1 year ago to escape his addictions and abuse. I have been in intensive therapy and am on my way to my own personal recovery from codependency but still feel very vulnerable and need support. I was given the timeframe of 1 year to try and rebuild and reinvent myself to live independently. Long story short, the 1 year mark is upon me and I am not 100% there, both financially or emotionally but have to make a move anyway. The housing market has been horrendous, rent is too high for my income and the availability is scarce. My husband has been sober for 3 weeks now and has a lead on a rental that suits my children’s and I needs perfectly. Due to the overwhelming pressure and time restraints I am considering this to be an option. I have not been able to define what my expectations are with respects to his sobriety. This is not the first attempt by any means, I’ve lost count on how many times he’s made an effort to get and stay clean. He is not in any program or support group, but has successfully detoxed. If anyone has advise or direction, I’d be great appreciative.

Cora_Belle 01/27/2018

Who has imposed this 1 year time frame for 100% recovery? Is it possible that mitigating circumstances could extend the time frame?

Aronia 01/27/2018

I think frequent changes of living environment would be traumatic for the children.
There is no rush to get back and if he has a replace, the kids will be even more stressed.
If they start acting out, there will be no time or energy to spend on your husband.
It may be safer for you to stay in the same place for another year and if he stays sober, then you can review the situation.

Gutted 01/27/2018

Sober for 3 weeks out of 8.5 years. That you care even considering getting yourself back in that situation with him being sober just three weeks tells me you are nowhere near ready.

Cora_Belle 01/27/2018

Yes, 3 weeks is nothing when it comes to long-term recovery, especially if your husband has no recovery program or support group. Detoxing and getting clean and sober is the easy part - staying clean and sober is the hard part.

I agree with the others - continue to focus on you and your children, stability is key and re-asses the situation a year from now.

jessiplus3 01/27/2018

Thank you all for your responses. I am unable to to extend my time at my current location. In fact I was initially given 6 months which had been extended to 1 year.

As naive as my message may have come across, I do know that 3 weeks is nothing, and if I was truly being honest with mysel I would already know the probability. I’d be a fool to entertain this move, I’m just overwhelmed by the pressure to provide, I’m defeated and exhausted. I suppose I’ve had the answers all along- just didn’t want to own them. Thanks again for everyone’s time. Great group!

patternskies 01/28/2018

Hi Jessi, what other options do you have? (re housing) Any friends you can stay with? Other relatives? Think about what the best option you would like for yourself, the best option that suits your emotional state (which is separate from your husbands) even if you think it may not be possible. It's important for you to know what you need so you can heal. Once you have a good practical idea of what would be best for you, brainstorm new ideas from there...you may come up with a new solution even though time seems to be running out and finance is a struggle. Don't feel just cause time is running out you have to choose an option which isn't right for you.

animeta 01/28/2018

You should freeyourself of dependence on your husband. You live with YOUR family and are now considering HIS pick for your next home. Reach out to a battered women’s shelter. They offer more options than you think. Going your husband’s route will surely circle you back to exactly where you are now but emotionally (and probably dependent-ly) worse. I’m really confident in that.

Join the Conversation