Healthy Relationships Support Group
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(Sorry... I'm an emotional wreck right now... this might be a little long).
Okay. I'm going to start this post by saying that I love my fiance. I love him very much... he is, honestly, like my best friend. We've been together for 5 years and engaged for 4, and have been living together for about 4 years as well. He literally does everything in the world for me. Cooking, cleaning, you name it, he does it. No, that doesn't mean he's perfect. He's bipolar and has quite a temper on him, and there are times when he says very hurtful things (i.e., The "B" word). He also gets violent at times (he has never hit me physically, but he does like to throw things - typically our couch pillows - when he gets mad). And I'm not perfect, either. No, I've never hit him, but I've said some pretty messed up stuff, too.
I am one of those people with very low self-esteem. I'm seriously overweight, and as such a lot of the time I feel like the ugliest person on this planet. Every once in a while, my fiance tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful, but honestly, I find that kind of hard to believe when he just called me the "B" word 10 minutes ago... if that makes any sense.
Lately, I've been having this HUGE problem. And I realize it's a problem I'm creating for myself, but I can't seem to control myself. Any time a handsome guy pays me any attention WHAT-SO-EVER, I completely freak out. I start fantasizing about leaving my fiance and being with them... even if that's completely impossible. I fantasize about it to the point that I literally get depressed because I'm not with that person. Eventually, I sort of snap out of my daze and forget all about this person and my "crush" on them, but it takes a while and I'm miserable in the mean time. Yes, I know. This is completely ridiculous and stupid. I know it's wrong for me to fantasize about being with another person when I'm in a relationship, and I really do feel bad about it. Despite our issues, I love my fiance and I don't want to hurt him, and I can't imagine what my life would be like without him in it. But I just honestly can't seem to stop myself!! I literally tell myself to "STOP" and try to get a handle on it; it just doesn't work.
Thinking about being with these other people makes me feel nervous and jittery and happy... kind of like that early stage in a relationship where you're just all happy all the time and you can't wait to see that person, etc. I haven't felt that way with my fiance in a long time. I know that's because we've been together for so long, the "new-ness" has worn off. I know that, as things progress, it's normal for the "new-ness" to wear off of a relationship. My question is, to what extent? Is it like this in EVERY relationship that lasts for a long time, or is it just me? What is wrong with me?!?!?
Okay. I'm going to start this post by saying that I love my fiance. I love him very much... he is, honestly, like my best friend. We've been together for 5 years and engaged for 4, and have been living together for about 4 years as well. He literally does everything in the world for me. Cooking, cleaning, you name it, he does it. No, that doesn't mean he's perfect. He's bipolar and has quite a temper on him, and there are times when he says very hurtful things (i.e., The "B" word). He also gets violent at times (he has never hit me physically, but he does like to throw things - typically our couch pillows - when he gets mad). And I'm not perfect, either. No, I've never hit him, but I've said some pretty messed up stuff, too.
I am one of those people with very low self-esteem. I'm seriously overweight, and as such a lot of the time I feel like the ugliest person on this planet. Every once in a while, my fiance tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful, but honestly, I find that kind of hard to believe when he just called me the "B" word 10 minutes ago... if that makes any sense.
Lately, I've been having this HUGE problem. And I realize it's a problem I'm creating for myself, but I can't seem to control myself. Any time a handsome guy pays me any attention WHAT-SO-EVER, I completely freak out. I start fantasizing about leaving my fiance and being with them... even if that's completely impossible. I fantasize about it to the point that I literally get depressed because I'm not with that person. Eventually, I sort of snap out of my daze and forget all about this person and my "crush" on them, but it takes a while and I'm miserable in the mean time. Yes, I know. This is completely ridiculous and stupid. I know it's wrong for me to fantasize about being with another person when I'm in a relationship, and I really do feel bad about it. Despite our issues, I love my fiance and I don't want to hurt him, and I can't imagine what my life would be like without him in it. But I just honestly can't seem to stop myself!! I literally tell myself to "STOP" and try to get a handle on it; it just doesn't work.
Thinking about being with these other people makes me feel nervous and jittery and happy... kind of like that early stage in a relationship where you're just all happy all the time and you can't wait to see that person, etc. I haven't felt that way with my fiance in a long time. I know that's because we've been together for so long, the "new-ness" has worn off. I know that, as things progress, it's normal for the "new-ness" to wear off of a relationship. My question is, to what extent? Is it like this in EVERY relationship that lasts for a long time, or is it just me? What is wrong with me?!?!?
In my opinion you are fantasising about these other guys , because your missing so much in your relationship. You want a healthy relationship. Without abuse in it. You want happiness and a healthy relationship and yes even the spark that you dont have anymore.
Just my 2 cents worth. hope it helps some.
Also, sometimes it is good to question whether you really love someone or do you love the fact that you are not alone and they gice you a sesnse of family which you havent had?
Whatever he does thay is good is canelled the next time he calls you a bitch. Many people are bipolar but they are not abusive and nasty..
Are you honestly happy with him?
Does he see a therapist, take meds, even recognize that there is an issue? If therapy is involved, do you ever go with him?
BP is manageable and does NOT define who he is. He is capable of recovering from it and leading a completely normal, fully functioning life. It just requires recognition, attention, and lots of work.
Apart from that, I dont think there is anything wrong with you, or that you are necessarily doing anything BAD. Its not abnormal to fantasize about relationships with other people. The issue is whether or not we can recognize that they are FANTASIES for a reason. Theyre not realistic.
Day dreaming about mr gorgeous doesnt mean life with him would be any better than what you have now. Its easy to get caught up in the "what ifs" when we dont know the dirty deets about someones private life. Life with anyone is no fairy tale.
I would do a little research on realistic expectations and determining what it is you truly want out of a partnership.
first @ lostsoul : im sorry I dont mean to come of condescending or anything but I cant help myself in correcting youf statement "she is BP and BPD. " .it should read.. " she HAS bp and bpd" you see, I have bipolar and ptsd but I am not the illness I just have the illness. you understand? I ran a support group for famlies of mentally and emotionally disturbed children and that was one of the things I helped them to learn...it was not good for the kids self esteem to keep hearing their parents say they were the illness instead of they had it. might seem insignificant to someone whos not mentally ill, but for someone who is, theyd totally get what im saying.
to the OP.. have you gone to counseling to talk to someone about this? you might wanna try that?
and as far as the newness wearing off ...yes it sure does. but I love my bf a LOT and im willing to accept that no big deal. and there are still times once in a while where we r like in the beginning again, last night was amazing, and I relish these times....
First off, I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to read and respond to my original post. Your time and advice are greatly appreciated and really made me feel much better... it helps just to be able to talk about it. Second, I want to apologize for the ridiculous amount of time it has taken me to respond to all of your posts. With the Holidays and everything else going on, I've really just been swamped.
Before I respond to everyone's helpful comments, I just wanted to give everyone a little update: Thankfully, the worst part of my fantasizing has ended, and I have you all to thank for that. Your comments really reminded me that these fantasies aren't real, and that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I won't lie and say I've completely stopped thinking about "Mr. Gorgeous", but I'm not having the crazy, panic-attack like state over him anymore, so that's a start!
Unfortunately, my fianc and I are still having the same issues. Any time we argue, he immediately starts yelling and name-calling (as usual)... It's really frustrating, because although I may say a couple of words with an angry tone, I don't yell at him or call HIM names... it's honestly like he doesn't have a "middle-ground"; he goes from calm to completely LIVID in no time. And for some reason, he seems to think that when I'm upset with him, he's supposed to get upset back at me... it's really confusing. However, things got a little worse this week: we received a letter from our landlord saying that our neighbors have complained about hearing the constant yelling. We've been told that if they hear it again, they will call the police and we'll be evicted. We're desperately trying to find a way to keep our fights from getting to that point. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.
That's all of my update for now, so now I'll try to respond to everyone's comments.
@Lostsoul, Thank you. Your comment really opened my eyes to a lot of things, about myself as well as my fianc, and made me feel like slightly less of a horrible person for fantasizing. I had honestly never considered what he does as "abuse" before, so this really gave me a lot to think about.
@Aronia, Thank you for your response as well. And I know it's sad, but I honestly don't know how to answer your questions. Yes, I love him, but I'm sure there's also a part of me that just doesn't want to be alone. And as for whether or not I'm happy... it honestly depends. There are some days when he completely sweeps me off my feet, makes me laugh... he is literally like my best friend and it's those days when I can't imagine what my life would be like without him in it. And then there are the bad days... It's those days when I honestly think that I can't stand to be with him for one more second. And I know it shouldn't be like this, but in all honesty, the bad days make me forget the good ones. On the good days, I feel like maybe I can handle this; I can stay with him and marry him and spend the rest of my life with him... but there's never really any actual joy about that... it's just more of a "maybe I can do this" feeling. But on the bad days, I know deep down inside that it's not going to work... and the thought of being married to him scares me to death. So I guess really the best way I could answer your question about whether or not I'm happy would be to say "I'm content". I'm not entirely ready to say "it's over", but I'm not all happy and joyful about our relationship, either... I hope that makes sense.
@Shine14, first of all, Thank you for talking some sense into me. I get so caught up in these fantasies that I forget that that's what they are - fantasies. I try to remind myself that the grass isn't always greener on the other side and that just because I imagine this person would be a certain way doesn't mean they WILL be, but sometimes my self just doesn't want to listen. It really helped to hear that from another person, so thank you again. As for his treatments, he is on Depakote (1,000 mg, but he's being moved down to 500 mg), Risperdal, and Pristiq. He's very responsible about taking his medicines - he never misses - and he sees his psychiatrist once every two or three months. He was seeing a therapist as well, but when our insurance changed, that got to be too expensive. I go with him to see the psychiatrist, but I've never actually been in the room. He and I did go to see his therapist together once, but, as I said, we haven't had the money to go back. Through our job, however, we have access to a free hotline we can call 24/7 - there are trained therapists on call to help with family, relationship, or personal issues. We honestly don't call that line very often... we try to sort things out for ourselves, and if that doesn't work, then we call. Basically, when it gets to the point that someone's about to walk out, that's when we call. It would probably be helpful for us to start calling more frequently, and BEFORE it gets to that point, and that's something I will certainly take into consideration. So again, thank you.
@Freakchic, please see my response above ^ to Shine's question. And I know exactly what you mean about it being like the beginning again sometimes. Thank you for your feedback. Also, I'd like to apologize for saying that my boyfriend "is" bipolar in the original post. This was my first time really discussing it and I didn't realize the way it sounds to say that someone "is" bipolar. Even though I know you weren't addressing me, thank you for pointing that out; I will make sure I don't make that mistake again. :)
Again, thank you all for your feedback, and I'm sorry for the ridiculously long post.