Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hi All;
I haven't used this site in a while so figured I would check in with everyone - as well as to say hey! I am having a dilemma!
I will start by saying I am a gay man (not that makes a difference), and that I have recently been seeing a new gentlemen in the past few months. When we first met off an online dating site, there were not the "sparks" or "love at first site" but merely fun with someone new, with a lot of laughs. He is a very outgoing say it how it is kind of guy. I am a bit more sensitive in respect to being timid. Opposities attract right? He has met my friends and family and all (but 1) think he is just a great catch for me. I really wasn't expecting anything - which was the beauty!
At any rate, things have been going very well for the first month! Lots of laughs and we were very close. However, it wasn't until about 2 weeks ago after a party I had noticed a different side to him. We had a miscommunication issue occur and we did what we could to fix it. He dropped me off and I felt uncomfortable displaying PDA on the street. He ended up leaving abrubtly without saying anything further. For me, not being in a relatioship for nearly 4 years, made me feel very uncomfortable - which triggerd a lot of anxiety for me.
For the following week I had suffered from panic attacks, churning stomachs, headaches, and shakes. I had an emotional breakdown and almost broke it off with him last Wednesday, thinking our relationship was the reason for this to be happening. It was a pending feeling of doom and gloom and I do not know where it had come from. The anxiety tappered off after I found out the next day that I my mother might have breast cancer. I figured that the anxiety that developed that week perhaps was me sensing someone was wrong as a "premonition" - which would explain my mom's health. I saw him that evening and he was very supportive. We had some great laughs that night and it felt like it was back to normal again. We had another "tiff" when I had made a comment to him that he was "embarressing me" as a joke - and he took it very personally. Yes, I made a mistake, apologized, but he ended up talking about it the next day again. The man is greek, very friendly, but very loud, and funny as hell!! He has told me that he would never do anything to hurt me and adores me. However, it just seems that lately I have been having these doubts about the relationship - almost like I can't be my authentic self anymore - like it feels fake at times. I really do not want to just "give it up" now as I know he is a great guy, we have great passion, and have amazing laughs together - but when it comes to conflict like this - I just freeze up. Also, he had mentioned to me today that he has now developed a wall of reservations after I had my little "melt down" last week. On top of this, I am trying to complete a university course and I open a musical theatre production in two weeks (both in a matter of a day from each other). It has been really hard to cope at work and with my other daily tasks. I really like him, but I feel almost sick to my stomach, and I don't know where it arises from. I have been put on ativan for a month and it seems to alleviate the symptoms. At any rate, our next few weeks will be busy and we will not be seeing each other as of much due to our other committments. I am just scared of screwing this up - by possibly loosing someone that could potentially be a soul mate in my life. Am I being too hard on myself and putting too many expectations? I do tend to over analyze things - a bit of a "Jittery Jessica" but that is just me. How do I relax and enjoy this ride? I am almost 34 years old and I would love to just grow up and suck this up - but its easier said than done! Now it seems we both have the reservations and we are spending a week apart. You all must probably thing im self-sabotoging this but I can only tell you what I feel. I know relationships have issues but really this many issues this early? Man I feel like a crazy! lol
Any suggestions or support would be greatly appreciated.
xox Hazel
I haven't used this site in a while so figured I would check in with everyone - as well as to say hey! I am having a dilemma!
I will start by saying I am a gay man (not that makes a difference), and that I have recently been seeing a new gentlemen in the past few months. When we first met off an online dating site, there were not the "sparks" or "love at first site" but merely fun with someone new, with a lot of laughs. He is a very outgoing say it how it is kind of guy. I am a bit more sensitive in respect to being timid. Opposities attract right? He has met my friends and family and all (but 1) think he is just a great catch for me. I really wasn't expecting anything - which was the beauty!
At any rate, things have been going very well for the first month! Lots of laughs and we were very close. However, it wasn't until about 2 weeks ago after a party I had noticed a different side to him. We had a miscommunication issue occur and we did what we could to fix it. He dropped me off and I felt uncomfortable displaying PDA on the street. He ended up leaving abrubtly without saying anything further. For me, not being in a relatioship for nearly 4 years, made me feel very uncomfortable - which triggerd a lot of anxiety for me.
For the following week I had suffered from panic attacks, churning stomachs, headaches, and shakes. I had an emotional breakdown and almost broke it off with him last Wednesday, thinking our relationship was the reason for this to be happening. It was a pending feeling of doom and gloom and I do not know where it had come from. The anxiety tappered off after I found out the next day that I my mother might have breast cancer. I figured that the anxiety that developed that week perhaps was me sensing someone was wrong as a "premonition" - which would explain my mom's health. I saw him that evening and he was very supportive. We had some great laughs that night and it felt like it was back to normal again. We had another "tiff" when I had made a comment to him that he was "embarressing me" as a joke - and he took it very personally. Yes, I made a mistake, apologized, but he ended up talking about it the next day again. The man is greek, very friendly, but very loud, and funny as hell!! He has told me that he would never do anything to hurt me and adores me. However, it just seems that lately I have been having these doubts about the relationship - almost like I can't be my authentic self anymore - like it feels fake at times. I really do not want to just "give it up" now as I know he is a great guy, we have great passion, and have amazing laughs together - but when it comes to conflict like this - I just freeze up. Also, he had mentioned to me today that he has now developed a wall of reservations after I had my little "melt down" last week. On top of this, I am trying to complete a university course and I open a musical theatre production in two weeks (both in a matter of a day from each other). It has been really hard to cope at work and with my other daily tasks. I really like him, but I feel almost sick to my stomach, and I don't know where it arises from. I have been put on ativan for a month and it seems to alleviate the symptoms. At any rate, our next few weeks will be busy and we will not be seeing each other as of much due to our other committments. I am just scared of screwing this up - by possibly loosing someone that could potentially be a soul mate in my life. Am I being too hard on myself and putting too many expectations? I do tend to over analyze things - a bit of a "Jittery Jessica" but that is just me. How do I relax and enjoy this ride? I am almost 34 years old and I would love to just grow up and suck this up - but its easier said than done! Now it seems we both have the reservations and we are spending a week apart. You all must probably thing im self-sabotoging this but I can only tell you what I feel. I know relationships have issues but really this many issues this early? Man I feel like a crazy! lol
Any suggestions or support would be greatly appreciated.
xox Hazel
You said you were uncomfortable with PDA and he left abruptly. Does he know you're uncomfortable with PDA or does he think you being uncomfortable was about being upset with him.
To be honest with you, if I were in a new relationship and my partner almost broke it off because he had anxiety or panic attacks but then came back, I would have reservations also. It would make me question if every time something isn't going just right is he going to want out. Relationships have issues, have conflicts, have misunderstandings and when that happens, you talk about it, listen to each other and work on finding a way to solve them rationally.
Relationships need honest, open communication from the very beginning and need to continue being open and honest throughout the relationship. Maybe the two of you need to sit down, talk about the relationship, your expectations, his expectations, the reservations you have and why, the ones he has and why and go from there. See if the two of you can find a way to handle problems without either of you making it into something bigger than it really is.
Good luck and positive thoughts coming out to your mom.
Sometimes it's only with the time invested and work that you put into a relationship that can best determine it's outcome. I'd say everything you've experienced is not a deal breaker but might send some red flags if not defended or explained properly. I too use the PDA incident as an example. If he still misunderstands the reasons or intentions for why you are uncomfortable he may feel resentment after a while and too not feel as stable in your relationship. Keep the lines of communication open as much as possible. Even if it means putting it in writing so you can get all your points across and not risk missing a great point that would in turn cause reassurance in him as opposed to feelings of brushing it off. I know I personally lose the words when I'm trying to defend my behavior and my partner, and also fall victim to misunderstandings although he understands that, he still finds very frustrating. Without him knowing that about me or accepting it I'm sure we wouldn't last as long as we have.
We all have communication styles, some are more inverted, some people need space before getting into the conversation, and some like to bring it up in the heat of the moment. It really depends on what you're comfortable and self analyzing your triggers and downfalls and communicating that to your partner. When you're both sharing a really great time, next time try and bring that up. Mention to him that you really like him and that is why you humbly want to bring a few things to the table so he has an understanding of how you are and reasons for your reactions, i.e. "every time I"m confronted by a stressful situation I freeze up. I don't want you to ever think my not going after you is a sign of my disinterest, it's just the way I am, and though I know it can be annoying to a fault I hope you can understand that my intentions are never to hurt you".
Good luck to you and your bf Hazel. And many prayers for your mum's health.
As for you and the new man....give it a bit more time. It is still new like Leather said.
Maybe you really just aren't compatible. You will figure it out.