Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Okay, I am pretty naive, even at my age (only had one relationship, of 22 years). I chose to leave the emotionally, mentally abusive man and I would love to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with. However, like some of you, I tend to gravitate toward the controlling, dominating, type. Anyway, what I am asking is; is there certain red flags that can be listed as a universal? Or are they all personal? Like I understand uncontrolled anger is one...but personally or generally, can list some that are out there, please?
Now if you are somebody that isn't in tune with your gut instincts than I guess examples of red flags could be somebody that wants more information about who you hang out with, who you talk to, what you do in your personal time...etc. than would be appropriate for the length of time that they have known you or the level of intensity in the relationship. Somebody who displays jealousy or anger over small insignificant things, somebody who lies to you or tells you things that don't add up, somebody that doesn't seem to want to divulge certain basic information to you that people would normally share when getting to know each other, etc.
Red flags...wow there are so many different kinds that I am sure I could never come up with a complete list. The whole thing is, to me, if you sense that something is off, if you feel scared or uncomfortable, if there are warning bells going off in your head and you don't know why...then red flags have probably popped up either consciously or subconsciously. Hopefully you are in tune with your instincts and will listen to what they are telling you but if you feel you don't read people very well than hopefully you will find a way to get educated about how to spot abusers early. Good luck!
Unfortunately people don't show their true colours right away- it's true that anything that makes you feel uneasy is your best guide and DO NOT ignore it. You've lived through it and you will know when you feel that uneasy feeling or a twinge or if a guy does something that reminds you of your ex. Listen to yourself and make sure that he listens to you too. I went out with a guy and told him that my kids stay out of my dating life- no one meets them period- unless things are very serious (so far no one has met them lol) we went out a couple of times and he was rather insistent on meeting them and wanting to take them to a car race- sounds nice that he wanted to take them out with us BUT he wasn't respecting that my kids don't get involved- they do not need men in and out of their lives and they don't need to be hurt when a man leaves. The fact that he wasn't respecting how I raise my kids- meant he wasn't for me- he was too forceful which was a huge red flag to me.
Get back into dating slowly- just casual date- until you get to know yourself and how well you are reacting to men.
http://labmf.org/facts/warning_signs
If you have a "score card", you can evaluate the relationship and determine for yourself whether it is healthy or if it is abusive.