Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Reaching my breaking point

lostgirl14
lostgirl14

I just don't know what to do. My husband and I have been married almost 11 months and things are just going downhill. He has a dominant controlling personality which I could deal with because the things he wanted to control were minor and I couldn't have cared less about them.  Now however looking back I feel like slowly he has consumed my voice and who I am. Everything has to be done his way and if and when he says. We have totally different outlooks and morals. It seems as if he thinks he is better than everyone around him and he is the one to judge them and decide how I will view and treat them. When we first got together I was in counseling and my counselor told me that eventually one of us would need to step back and allow the other to make decisions instead of fighting for control all the time. I feel that I stepped back to far and now I am loosing myself. I try to talk to him about how I feel and he refuses to listen to me. He won't even acknowledge the way I feel about anything he just says I am being respectful to him. I don't want to quit on us but I am not even heard.

Aronia
Aronia
What are the examples of things that you butt heads about ? What does he want to control?
Lenoire
Lenoire
Firstly, you need to drop this counselor, who gave you such advise. No one ever needs to give up control of their own life. Someone like your husband, who has a dire need to control, in the way you describe, is not of right mind; know this. He has serious issues that neither you nor any counselor, can deal with in a reasonable amount of time. Furthermore, never in a million years would someone of his personality traits seek counselling.

He sought you and married you, because you presented to him a personality that can be controlled. Had you stood up for yourself, from the get-go, he would have looked elsewhere, and perhaps that's what you should have done. But something stopped you from choosing freedom over being with a controlling personality type, and you don't seem to be able to adapt to it. So until you address this issue, it will continue to bite you in the ass.

The best thing you could do for yourself, is to stand up to him, or get as far away from him as possible.

Wishing you well.
ToTryOrNotToTryThatIsTheQuestion
ToTryOrNotToTryThatIsTheQuestion
You are not alone . the person im with blames everything on me . when i express i need affection or that something upsets me he tells me im dramatic/sensible and that im irritating him . if i cry about it he lashes out on me and things get out of hand. You deserve to be heard . your feelings are valid. Sending you a hug
smileshideit
smileshideit
First, you need to be heard. Purhaps write down in a respectful and loving manner all of your thoughts and feelings on this issue. Explain how you feel like you've lost your voice to him. Explain that you're not sharing this to fight but find peace and to grow with him not be crushed beneath him. Give him the letter and give it a trial run. Id encourage reading the book The 5 love languages. Its a solid book on how to love your partner the very best in their love language despite having grown apart. Give it a look for real. If your husband doesnt change, doesn't acknowledge anything you feel, then a time of seperation seems to be in order. Youre not being loyal by staying in the situation youre enabling him. I dont think divorce is necessary but being apart and helping him understand how important this is to you whether it is to him is key. But first i would give the book a read, write the letter and give it like forty days to really dump love on him and pray God will bring a break through with him.