Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
For about a month I've known that I was going to have a procedure done. I told my mom and sisters about it and THEY ASKED if I would like them to come and be at the hospital for the procedure. I said yes I would especially since it would help distract my husband and keep him company. Well a few days before the procedure my mon called and said they weren't going to come after all. This upset me because just a few days before this call she had told me they had scheduled off work and confirmed the time of my procedure. Incidentally, they did not call or text today to say "hey I hope things goes well" or "how did your procedure go". I travel to see them for any medical procedures they have had and have even opened my home and taken off work to care for them when they are recuperating. Hell, a couple of the people I have met here on DS had the common courtesy to ask how things went today but not my mom or sisters.
If occurrences like this were few and far between it wouldn't be an issue. However, this is the norm with my family. We live 1.5 hours away from each other so for holidays we alternate. We travel there for Thanksgiving and they (rarely) travel here for Christmas. On Thanksgiving we traveled there even though about about two months prior to that I had a significant health crisis. They reached out and said they really wanted to come here for Christmas due to me being in recovery and confirmed several times they would be in attendance. Since I did not feel like cooking we ordered food and spent a good chunk of money on this. My husband went out and bought them all really nice gifts. Well at noon on Christmas they text to say they weren't coming. So we sat here with hundrends of dollars of food and unopened presents.
To add to all this they don't apologize when they do things like this and in fact if something is said to them they get an attitude. I have decided that rather then get stepped on it is time to move on from trying to have a relationship with them. While it will bother me because who truly doesn't want to have a relationship with their mom and sisters I think the hurt and stress from their behavior is no longer tolerable.
It is going to be tricky because I am very close with my niece and nephew. A few years ago when one of my sisters got hooked up with a bad crowd my sister asked if I would take guardianship of my nephew and I agreed. He lived with me for a year. Needless to say, my husband and I developed an even deeper bond with my nephew during this time. I am also close with my niece and she is always asking to come visit me. Which by the way my family does not help with hauling the kids back and forth. I make the 1.5 hour drive there and drive back home then the 1.5 hour drive to get them to their parents and drive back home again.
This post turned out to be a small book and I'm finally getting to my questions:
Has anyone else had to navigate a situation similar to this with kids involved?
What is the best way to do this?
Should I even bother to tell my mom and sisters from now on I just want to keep our relationship strictly about the kids?
If occurrences like this were few and far between it wouldn't be an issue. However, this is the norm with my family. We live 1.5 hours away from each other so for holidays we alternate. We travel there for Thanksgiving and they (rarely) travel here for Christmas. On Thanksgiving we traveled there even though about about two months prior to that I had a significant health crisis. They reached out and said they really wanted to come here for Christmas due to me being in recovery and confirmed several times they would be in attendance. Since I did not feel like cooking we ordered food and spent a good chunk of money on this. My husband went out and bought them all really nice gifts. Well at noon on Christmas they text to say they weren't coming. So we sat here with hundrends of dollars of food and unopened presents.
To add to all this they don't apologize when they do things like this and in fact if something is said to them they get an attitude. I have decided that rather then get stepped on it is time to move on from trying to have a relationship with them. While it will bother me because who truly doesn't want to have a relationship with their mom and sisters I think the hurt and stress from their behavior is no longer tolerable.
It is going to be tricky because I am very close with my niece and nephew. A few years ago when one of my sisters got hooked up with a bad crowd my sister asked if I would take guardianship of my nephew and I agreed. He lived with me for a year. Needless to say, my husband and I developed an even deeper bond with my nephew during this time. I am also close with my niece and she is always asking to come visit me. Which by the way my family does not help with hauling the kids back and forth. I make the 1.5 hour drive there and drive back home then the 1.5 hour drive to get them to their parents and drive back home again.
This post turned out to be a small book and I'm finally getting to my questions:
Has anyone else had to navigate a situation similar to this with kids involved?
What is the best way to do this?
Should I even bother to tell my mom and sisters from now on I just want to keep our relationship strictly about the kids?
I don't really have any family except my sister and my nephew, and basically consider myself an orphan because my parents and the rest of the bunch ( except my sister) were complete douchebags and I lived completely on my own since I was 15 and moved to another country at 18 and never looked back. It has been over 20 years.
The reason why I am telling about me not having family is that I understand why you want to cut them off, but I think severing all ties with them will not be good. I am happy that I don't have to deal with their selfishness and BS most of my life, but I would have loved to know where I came from, what my roots are - bad or good.
Did your family give you a reason why they didn't come both times ?
The clearly ruined the Christmas and the procedure thing - even worse.
Why do you think this is happening? What kind of people are they and what was /is your father like?
I think bottom line is this - your mother and sister has shown you that you can NOT rely on them and they are insensitive people. At this stage of life, I doubt you can change them. I do think that you need to convey your feelings to them for your own sanity, but not in an angry way because it is just going make things worse and you will lose contact with your niece and nephew.
If these people are truly callused individuals, you have to disown them from your heart, which is much harder to do than disowning them from your life, but this is really the only way you will stop hurting.
Even if you cut them off, you will always hold on to these feelings of resentment and hurt so getting them out of your life 100% accomplishes nothing.
So my suggestion is to speak with them and emotionally move on from them if this is what you want to do. Focus on your husband and your friends. Take care of people who take care of you and continue forming a strong relationship with your niece and nephew.
I am not sure about your situation but it does seem like your mom and sister have some issues they will need to deal with. A lot of times mental illness can go undiagnosed, even something as simple as depression, which can make people appear insensitive or selfish.
In my situation, I was always the stable one, the one with a home, a job, help if needed. I have some suspicion that jealousy played a role but later learned it was mental illness as well.
I can report I put up boundaries, withdrew from them for a period of time. Now that I am older, I can have healthy limits with them and we get along reasonably well except for that one aforementioned sister. After over a decade, I am just now slowly reconnecting with my niece through FB. Unfortunately, she suffered a lot from my sister's selfish decisions.
In a nutshell, put the kiddos first and don't ask for anything from them (mom&sis) if you think you could be disappointed or hurt by them. If they really want to do something for you, they will make the effort and do it without being asked.
BTW, after 16 years of infertility when I had baby number 2, my mom never even came to see her. When I did bring her over to her home, she never even held her. 6 years later, my mom is living with me. She is medicated now but it is still not the best situation but it is all I can expect. I learned that long ago and I only do what I feel comfortable doing without ever expecting anything in return. Cause otherwise I'd be disappointed about 90% of the time.
Best of luck. I am very sorry you have to go through this.
That would be very hurtful to get all ready for an event and have everyone bail on you! In the future I would go by a "If they show up, they show up" sort of planning, which means don't prep or plan, just fly by the seat of your pants and if they come over order pizza or go out to eat.
I would let actions speak louder than words, if you make declarations it will make you seem like the drama filled person.
Just reach out to the ones who do treat you well. Your niece and nephew, go with the flow and if you by chance have some good times with your sister and Mother, let it be icing on the cake, but don't invest your expectations and hopes on them...
I just think if we can conduct ourselves with the same kindness and graciousness as we would if the people in our lives WEREN'T being stinkers.. then we can feel really good about ourselves.
Good Luck!
I like your post, Mercyfoundme.
My relationship with my father is good but he is significantly older than my mom (he's in his 70s) so I don't want to burden him. I think you are right and I guess it isn't really realistic to sever all ties and also maintain a relationship with my niece and nephew. My mom has had issues with chemical dependency on and off so she never really got her life together. I think being raised by someone with her issues it was hard for my sisters to break the cycle of dysfunction. I just knew I had to move away from the chaos if I wanted any chance at a normal life.
I think you all gave solid advice and I hesitated to post this discussion but I'm glad I did.
My mother was an alcoholic and drank herself to death, but before that she fried her brains. She always had some sort of issues before she even became a alsoholic, I think she was likely medicating for whatever problems she had. Both of my parents were selfish and weak individuals, before she even started drinking. My dad really had no excuse.
As a result , my sister and I both grew up accepting their behavior is normal. Only later on in life the light bulb went on and we both realized what we were forced to endure.
It is possible that you are truly feeling this dysfunction now because you are older and more experienced in terms of human relationships.
I m sure there is a lot more that you haven't told us about because how can you possibly explain it all in one post.
All I can say is - I am so sorry that you have such a painful situation.
Be good, try to forgive them if you can and if you can't - it is your right not to.
I decided that I can not forgive my parents and I am not going to stress myself out by shoving a piece down my throat that doesn't fit.
I do regret not being able to see my mother off. She died alone. As bad as she was, it would have been good to say good bye.
My sister eventually also fled the country , but only recently, and left her there. We are now catching up on lost time and forming a strong bond.
Oh and an update: I text my sister and said it really hurt me they didn't ask how my procedure went and their behavior disappointed me. Truly this is what I said and her response was she didn't like my rude a!$ comment. And it went downhill from there on both sides. I give up. Me trying to make them understand is so pointless.
Although , text is not the best way to deal with this
(((HUGS))) I'm sorry you cannot count on your family to reciprocate your loving care. I'm glad your procedure went okay
I came to a point of realization that I was a controlling person. I would get angry if my family said what I didn't want them to say to me, do what I didn't want them to do... etc.
It was what you just said in post #13, "Not expect" I think that's key. Just give what you really WANT to give and if you don't, that's fine too.. expectations of how things "Should" be, really screw us up in my opinion!