Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
I love my husband (married 7 years) and we have two small children, one with special needs. He owns part of the business his parents started 30 years ago. His mother owns the other part. I work in the business as the account manager. Overall, I like what I do. I work well with my mother-in-law. My husband and I work well together as a team on many projects. That being said, we have a "welfare program" at work. Two of my husband's sisters that don't own or work at the business get lots of things paid for. The big ticket one that I can track being gas for their families cars. They also get lots of money from the business but it is hard to track how much because my mother-in-law has all the control over finances. She has babied them for years (they are both in their mid to late twenties and have husbands/children of their own). Recently, one of the daughters ended up with her newborn baby 4 hours from us because the baby has a birth defect that needed specialized care. The baby has been there for 4 weeks (please pray for him, I don't know if he'll ever come home). My sister-in-law is very depressed and has had a shopping problem for a couple of years (dating back to when her eldest son died of the same thing this baby has; they do have two healthy children between the son who died and this baby). My sister-in-law is running to the company debit card all the time. My mother-in-law gave her permission to use it for hotel, food, medical neccessities, and gas (which, why they hell she gets anything is beyond me...when my special needs child was at the children's hospital for a month this summer 5 hours from home we paid all of our expenses except gas out of pocket). My husband and I are very careful not to take anything from the company except our paycheck (his is $3000 a month and mine is $1000 a month because I only work 25-30 hours whereas he works 60-70 hours a week), gas for our vehicles (because we drive for the company so much), cell phone bill (again both of our phones are used alot for employees being able to call us), and oil changes on his truck and my car. That being said, my sister-in-law has been taking $100-$150 from an ATM daily (it's been going on for at least two weeks). Also, she has charges on the card for gas, hotel, and a $660 charge to the hospital. There are also a few clothing store purchases, but I don't know how much those amounts are. My husband only found out about this because the card was constantly overdrawn when he went to pay suppliers which is very unusual. My husband and mother-in-law had a meeting on Saturday. They both know it's wrong but my mother-in-law refuses to talk to her daughter until after all the medical issues pass (which is AT LEAST two weeks) or take the card away. I'm at my wits end. It's causing us to be late on bills and paying suppliers for the business. I'm stressed to the point I can't sleep and it's stressing our marriage to the point I want a divorce. My husband doesn't want a divorce and in the end, I really don't either...I just need some financial security and peace. Also, the two healthy children my sister-in-law has aren't allowed to go to a babysitter(my sister-in-law and her husband don't allow it), so my mother-in-law has been home with them these 4 weeks which is causing incredible stress on both me and my husband with the work load at the business. My mother-in-law will come in for a few hours a couple of nights a week when the kids are asleep and she can leave them with their father, but that's it.
If you were me would you refuse to go back to work until hubby stands up to his family (aka: mother) and makes some changes, or would you continue to try to help things limp along. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
I love my husband (married 7 years) and we have two small children, one with special needs. He owns part of the business his parents started 30 years ago. His mother owns the other part. I work in the business as the account manager. Overall, I like what I do. I work well with my mother-in-law. My husband and I work well together as a team on many projects. That being said, we have a "welfare program" at work. Two of my husband's sisters that don't own or work at the business get lots of things paid for. The big ticket one that I can track being gas for their families cars. They also get lots of money from the business but it is hard to track how much because my mother-in-law has all the control over finances. She has babied them for years (they are both in their mid to late twenties and have husbands/children of their own). Recently, one of the daughters ended up with her newborn baby 4 hours from us because the baby has a birth defect that needed specialized care. The baby has been there for 4 weeks (please pray for him, I don't know if he'll ever come home). My sister-in-law is very depressed and has had a shopping problem for a couple of years (dating back to when her eldest son died of the same thing this baby has; they do have two healthy children between the son who died and this baby). My sister-in-law is running to the company debit card all the time. My mother-in-law gave her permission to use it for hotel, food, medical neccessities, and gas (which, why they hell she gets anything is beyond me...when my special needs child was at the children's hospital for a month this summer 5 hours from home we paid all of our expenses except gas out of pocket). My husband and I are very careful not to take anything from the company except our paycheck (his is $3000 a month and mine is $1000 a month because I only work 25-30 hours whereas he works 60-70 hours a week), gas for our vehicles (because we drive for the company so much), cell phone bill (again both of our phones are used alot for employees being able to call us), and oil changes on his truck and my car. That being said, my sister-in-law has been taking $100-$150 from an ATM daily (it's been going on for at least two weeks). Also, she has charges on the card for gas, hotel, and a $660 charge to the hospital. There are also a few clothing store purchases, but I don't know how much those amounts are. My husband only found out about this because the card was constantly overdrawn when he went to pay suppliers which is very unusual. My husband and mother-in-law had a meeting on Saturday. They both know it's wrong but my mother-in-law refuses to talk to her daughter until after all the medical issues pass (which is AT LEAST two weeks) or take the card away. I'm at my wits end. It's causing us to be late on bills and paying suppliers for the business. I'm stressed to the point I can't sleep and it's stressing our marriage to the point I want a divorce. My husband doesn't want a divorce and in the end, I really don't either...I just need some financial security and peace. Also, the two healthy children my sister-in-law has aren't allowed to go to a babysitter(my sister-in-law and her husband don't allow it), so my mother-in-law has been home with them these 4 weeks which is causing incredible stress on both me and my husband with the work load at the business. My mother-in-law will come in for a few hours a couple of nights a week when the kids are asleep and she can leave them with their father, but that's it.
If you were me would you refuse to go back to work until hubby stands up to his family (aka: mother) and makes some changes, or would you continue to try to help things limp along. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Here is my 2 cents:
This is a HUSBAND problem masquerading as a mother-in-law, sister-in-law problem. His relationship with his mother is the part he needs to work on.
I read the book "Iron John" by Robert Bly, a great book, and it applies to this situation. In short, Bly retells the Grimm fairy tale about the wild man at the bottom of the lake and how it relates to the journey from boy to man. He says the key to your manhood is under your mother's pillow. You can't ask for it, because she won't give it to you. You must TAKE it!
Your husband needs to wake up and wrest control of the company from his mother before she runs it into the ground, or he needs to let go and start up his own company. If he is investing 60 hours per week in the company and his sister is pissing away the money, then he is the fool for allowing it without a fight.
His MAIN family, his priority, is you and the kids. His MAIN loyalty should be to you, not his mother.
What can you do about it? If I had a low-paying job with a crappy boss, I would quit and find a job elsewhere. Divest yourself emotionally from the company. If momma wont let go of it, you must let go. Don't listen to complaints about it from your husband. The time for complaining is over, the time for action was yesterday.
I had a job back in my 20's where i worked 50 to 55 hour work weeks and was exhausted all the time. The boss would give me a pat on the head and say good boy and send me out there for more exhausting work. The business grew from 400k to 5mil a year in sales under my watch, so I had alot of emotion invested and a feeling of ownership. It was hard to let go of.
One day, the realization hit me, that I owned NONE of the business. Quitting felt shitty at first, but not for long. My boss was like a 2nd dad to me and he was disappointed, but life moved on.
Now I work 35 hours per week and have time to go fishing and play with my kids. Looking back, no job was worth the time I lost.
I wish you well.
Tortoise
You guys are in a particular sticky situation because of the issues with her child- really tough to have to talk to someone about money at a time like this.
Don't be too hard on your H he is between a rock and a hard place- I for sure wouldn't want to be in his shoes. Eventually his sister is going to need an intervention- before she shops everyone out of money. Don't let it stress your marriage and ruin what you have. Wash your hands of this mess and put it out of your mind because there is NOTHING that you can do about it.
Well if it were me and I was concerned about financial security I would not get involved in the family business between your husband and his mother. In fact I probably would not even work there just because of the problems they are currently having. If I felt that what my husband made and I made were not enough to support my own family and have some financial security I would definitely have a talk with my husband about the budget and I would also take it upon myself to look for a new job that would enjoy doing and also have the opportunity to make more money.
Your husband is aware of the problems so he will have to decide for himself if he wishes to continue being in business with his mom or not because if he feels that what you both are making is not enough or if he feels the business might go under and his paychecks might start to be less then what he is making now then he should also consider a new job.
Hey may decide to wait and see how things go with all the medical issues his sister is having but I think that if you both can communicate with each other and keep good track of your budget to make sure you both can pay all your bills each month as well as tuck some away for financial security then let things be.
Just remember there are no guarantees with any job or even for your lives as anything could happen such as sickness, accidents and so on. The best you can do is make sure you both are not losing what you are already making by working in this particular business and if you are then it may be time for both of you to look for other jobs.
I do not think threatening divorce will really solve any of the issues and I guess to me I would only do that if my partner was a deadbeat and not willing to work or even communicate and compromise with me in trying to make things better in our relationship. So in the meantime as I mentioned earlier if you start to see that your paychecks start getting lower because the business does not have enough funds to cover what you normally make then definitely check out other jobs.
I am sure your husband does not want to make any less then he is already making now but it will have to be up to him to see if he wants to wait a bit and see how things go or start thinking about getting out of the business all together and look for something new. I would not worry about how much money is being given to your sister-in-law unless it directly affects you and your husbands paychecks or causes to much of a concern that the business might go under if the expenses get to be more then the business can handle.
As for fighting with your husband hopefully you both can just sit down and talk about your budgets and the concerns you both have and be able to make some compromises that you both feel comfortable with. I think if you both can do that things will start to look a whole lot better. Wishing you the very best and hoping things work out very soon:)