Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
So I was recently married- in September. My husband and I had been together for approximately 2 years prior to our marriage. We have been through a lot together from loss of family, loss of jobs, financial struggles, being kicked out of our apartment with no place to go. We both stuck together and we were able to manage and talk through things and I feel we are stronger for it. He has stuck through my diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis and been my constant rock through the ups and downs of the disease- I knew he would be the man that I was going to be with when I gave him an out after I was diagnosed and he refused to walk away.
Since getting married things feel like they are starting to pull apart a bit. I feel like we are having the same issues and while we try to talk them out we just end up getting hurt by what the other person is saying and not feeling truly heard.
One of the main issues right now between our marriage is the lack of physical intimacy. I have explained to my husband about needing more time to get in the mood and that due to my stress level at work, with school and with trying to survive as adults I find that I am not in the mood and I cannot get in the mood. I have even just gave in and let him have sex with me- which is extremely painful and I do not enjoy it. I have explained my concerns and feelings and every time he shuts down and instantly feels like I am calling him a shitty husband.
I can tell I have made a slight break through with him when out of nowhere the last few weeks he has been doing the laundry (unasked). I am so grateful for just the little bit he has done.
I want to be close to my husband physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually but it is difficult at the moment. Please help!
Since getting married things feel like they are starting to pull apart a bit. I feel like we are having the same issues and while we try to talk them out we just end up getting hurt by what the other person is saying and not feeling truly heard.
One of the main issues right now between our marriage is the lack of physical intimacy. I have explained to my husband about needing more time to get in the mood and that due to my stress level at work, with school and with trying to survive as adults I find that I am not in the mood and I cannot get in the mood. I have even just gave in and let him have sex with me- which is extremely painful and I do not enjoy it. I have explained my concerns and feelings and every time he shuts down and instantly feels like I am calling him a shitty husband.
I can tell I have made a slight break through with him when out of nowhere the last few weeks he has been doing the laundry (unasked). I am so grateful for just the little bit he has done.
I want to be close to my husband physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually but it is difficult at the moment. Please help!
"I love the way you __________., but with all the stress I'm under right now, I need your help to relax and get in the mood. A back rub (or whatever it is you need) would really help me."
My opinoion may not be popular but I think that you need to get in the mood ASAP! Your worries about work and health are warranties but your number one priority at this very minute should be your husband, because when you lose your job and lose your health, he is the one that will be there for you ( hopefully)
Sexual rejection is a pretty serious blow to someone's self esteem and if he keeps feeling this way, the magic will be gone.
If you can not have intercourse with him, don't , but do find a feeling inside of you of that makes you enjoy making him feel good.
Get some lube and please show him that you are trying.
If you are good at it , it will only take a few minutes,but it will help save your marriage.
Nobody should have to force themselves to have sex, but I think of you truly love someone , making them feel good gives you pleasure in some form.
My fiance and I are not married but we live together. I have arthritis and, currently, I'm being tested because they think I have RA in addition to the osteo. Anyhow, I understand the pain and needing help and feeling like you need your mate to do more. We have a lack of intimacy as well but the roles are opposite in our relationship...I am the one wanting more intimacy. My fiance does the exact same thing when I try to bring up our issues...gets defensive and thinks I'm trying to say he's bad, etc.
Anyhow, I can totally relate and, honestly, I don't really know what to suggest but I know you'll find some great advice here because I have. I more or less wanted to let you know I understand and feel your pain.
(((HUGS)))
BedHog- I do thank and compliment him constantly, but, and I have told him this, that he feels the only thanking I can do is to have sex with him. I have told him that there are days when I need help de-stressing and he has gotten defensive that I used to be able to leave everything at the door and not be stressed at home. I told him things ARE different for me right now. I am the major breadwinner, the one who pays the bills, has to find ways of paying all the bills because we can't afford them, we are both living in my parent's basement out of boxes. I have told him I feel like their is no escape from it. He instantly gets defensive again. Even when I tell him these are issues I am working on (seeing a therapist for some of the issues) he internalizes it.
OldCodger- I have been thinking hard on couples therapy the last few days. I have been trying to think of a good way to present it to my husband without him getting upset.
RedheadDiva- I wish you luck on finding out what is wrong with you. I know for many of the people with RA it can take years before they really pinpoint it. I found comfort in your being able to relate. A huge blow to me is that I used to be like that. I loved that part of our relationship and I truly wish I had it back. Adds to the further pain and stress that Its like not only is my joints failing, but that every part of my body is just failing.
Do you feel resentful that you are in a position of being the bread winner while dealing with chronic health problems?
I understand what it is like to be in a relationship while being basically disabled but not willing to live that way.
My relationship also has been on the rocks at times because of it, but we pull through every time.
I think it is partially because my partner is willing to work and listen.
It seems like your H is not as open if you are concerned about how to present him with a request to go to therapy.
Maybe this is the core of the issues ?
I hope things get better for you. Living in pain is not fun, I can very much relate.