I think generally, happy parents make good parents. Are you happy, in your relationship, in your life generally? Are you taking care of yourself, mentally, emotionally, etc? If not, then it spills over into how we manage stress, regulate our emotions, interact with our family, partners etc.

Have you explored therapy other than with the addiction therapist? Therapy can be really helpful.

Self medicating can be part of the issue. I’m not saying you are an addict or anything like that but it’s not just about being able to stop. It’s about the relationship with alcohol or weed.

Seriously take a hard look at your relationship with your partner and really be honest about whether that is at the root the issues.

Welcome to this forum and I am glad you wrote. I hope it helped you to at least clarify what some of your issues are. Depression can also come out as anger and anger can be repressed and turn into depression. Anger is often considered a masking emotion.

And it is obvious you love your kids and want to be a good parent. Your partner seems perhaps overwhelmed also and is not focused on doing enough as a parent to take some stress off. I was married to a guy like this when raising my kids and I recognize how being a single parent while living with the kid's other parent was pretty awful. I call it being a single parent while having the other parent in the house because of the lack of love, and household help, and just not caring about us or the kids and using alcohol and weed.

So what kind of drugs or alcohol does your partner use or abuse? If they are also doing the same as you, well then you got two people in the house in an altered state of mind and this is not good for the kiddos. Altered state of mind does not equal good parenting.

And the lack of sleep can be contributing to this stress and overwhelmed feeling and the anger. What makes you not get enough sleep on a daily basis?

Sometimes when a hyperactive thyroid isn't properly treated, one can have issues with not being able to sleep. I am hypothyroid which makes me tired and need extra sleep. Sometimes stress can keep our minds very active and then we aren't sleeping. Little children can wake us up in the night, too.

What you wrote in this part is confusing to me because it seems to indicate something more: "I rarely drink and when I do it's only one or two unless I'm having a bender and even then rarely do I get over the top. And I have joints but I can say no which I have done for days at a time." Coping with alcohol or weed or any drug can create some of the problems you describe. And the kids know when mom or dad is high or tipsy/drunk. It creates chaos in the house and damages the kids.

Alcohol is a depressant and weed can make one paranoid and angry. The high levels of THC in USA weed is known to send some people to the ER.

Going on a "bender" is a form of alcohol abuse. So I am confused with this but I admire your honesty here.

Self medicating is something many people do. I kind of wonder if a mood disorder might be making you so miserable. Getting on the right medication is the key for stuff like that. I am going to suggest you actually have an assessment with a psychiatrist who can also maybe assess your thyroid hormone issue as well as mood swings and anger stuff. This stuff can be in our brains or how our brains work. It is not a moral issue, it is a brain issue. No shame in taking care of our brains. We would get help if this was a cancer issue. Sometimes our brains need medication to fully function. Or you may be cleared of any kind of brain health disorder and then you know this is a stress reaction perhaps.

Your kids may be acting out because they are upset at the stress and conflict in your house. They may speak quietly because you are always yelling. Or they may demand attention because they feel unloved and hurt with the yelling and anger. They see mom or dad not involved, mind somewhere else, and being kids they need and want parental attention. They feel stress with all the chaos and yelling and dad being checked out.

Hugs to you. I would suggest you stop all drugs, drinking, etc. for two weeks. Get an appointment to have a mental health assessment with a psychiatrist. Get totally clean so you know what is the drugs or alcohol and what is your brain or due to stress. You will start to notice how the kids are in a different way, you will sleep better eventually. Make sleep a priority as best you can. Have your kids all take a nap after lunch, on a schedule, get them on a schedule for meals and sleep and play. You nap while they nap. You sleep while they sleep. You matter, too.

Thank you. Just to clarify by what I mean when I say I know I’m not addicted to alcohol and drugs is that I went 7 years without touching alcohol (I will admit five of those I was addicted to weed) however I then stopped all smoking for two years. I have a drinking bender once or twice a year (I have already had my two this year and I refuse to drink like that again, not worth it) so I will have one or two drinks when out for dinner and then onto soft drinks for the rest of the evening. The smoking is happening again because of my partner getting it (against logical reason, he’s the one addicted to substance abuse tobacco and weed and when really upset alcohol.) I like to have a joint but when we get it we can go silly on the stuff (as in smoking too much) but I told myself enough is enough and I haven’t touched the stuff for a week before I had one pipe then one joint days apart. I won’t be having anymore, I’ve set my mind to it.

I’m not happy with my partner for a few reasons and one of them is his substance abuse, he is on again off again with tobacco smoking then will be in a silly head space and gets weed. He is also addicted to games (Xbox and phone). He can’t help out because he has to do something on a game, he needs money to spend on his game. He says that he shouldn’t have to “suffer” just because we’ve had kids. So deep down I am resentful of him and his behaviour towards us. I have tried talking to him about it and he just gets defensive (I don’t do this, I say this, I’m a horrible person.) I got yelled at by the neighbour yesterday for how loud I am and how I speak (swearing) and his words were “I told you…..” I got even more upset and have been quiet and upset all day, then later in the day he joked about it “I’ll get the neighbour to tell you.”. If this was anyone else on the internet I would tell them to leave, but I have no one who is in a position to help me with that and my kids (oldest two) are settled into school, and my partner says he won’t leave the house because he’s the one paying for it (only for the past two years out of the seven we’ve had it).

I did try asking for therapy help for my anger and the doctor sent the referral to the addiction clinic instead which just made me feel even less heard. I have been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and we are trialling medication which I don’t think is helping, I’m waiting for my referral to the thyroid specialists at the hospital to make an appointment with them. But I do need to do a few things in the mean time like another blood test. I am overwhelmed with the need to find a new doctor who listens which is a part of the problem with my stress. We are having money issues too with a single income but that could be stopped if my partner would stop spending it on crap, I know my need to spend has abated due to the money being needed elsewhere but I have also been silly a couple times getting things for the household. I would talk more but I need to get my kids ready for school while my partner sleeps in. Thank you for your replies and I will be sure to talk to the doctor again for therapy and help.

I felt much the same as you when I had three little ones under the age of 5 and a spouse who was abusing weed and once a week binging drinking. The bender as you call it is called binge drinking in the USA and is recognized as a sign of alcohol abuse. You do need help in the house perhaps and with your own emotions and moods. Having a spouse with a substance abuse disorder or addiction is pretty terrible from my point of view. I found Al Anon to be a godsend, I learned so much about myself and changing myself.

I still go back to suggesting you stop all substance use, no weed, no alcohol, for at least two weeks. You do not have clarity on the relationship with the man nor what your kids need as far as love and nurturing. And any substance we put in our body can mess with our hormones and our brains.

I wish you the best. Don't give up. Remember you matter, too. Others will respond on here in a few days and perhaps give you more perspective.

Welcome to the board wanttobehappy

I think that the reason your doctor sent you to a drug and rehab place is due to the 12 step program and that's all about behaviour and taking responsibility for your behaviour and making healthy changes

I've actually talked to a number of people that have done well using these steps

If you don't want to go to a rehab type facility the same steps would probably be used with Al Anon or Nar Anon

At least this is what I'm guessing???

My dad had a terrible temper and it's affected my whole life and I'm a senior woman now... My self esteem has always been in the toilet

These changes can be made.... Kids have a way of blaming themselves or thinking that they're bad

If I were you I would take each child aside when it works and give them a big hug and an apology.... Let them know that you've been struggling and it's not their fault

Anger management may also help.... Get a punching bag and when you think you're losing control excuse yourself and go and have a few shots at the bag

I wish you well moving forward.... I hope that you find the help and support that you need.... Big hug... xo

Hi! I am sorry you are going through this. If it helps, I feel angry and bitter and pissed off alot! Lol. I dont like it. I am constantly tired, I have PCOS. I do think the hormonal imbalance plays a big toll on that and Drs have no idea how to treat it except shove pharmecuticals down your throat. Which creates other problems. I imagine a thyroid issue is messing with that, and normal day to day of a partner who provides no support. 3 kids is work! I wouldnt be one bit surprised if your anger is mostly geared towards him amd not so much your kids, but you take it on them. I am a single mom and i notice when her dad upsets me i am different to her. My demanding job, same thing. I worked much harder this summer not letting either one get to me anymore and i noticed a change. I also have been trying harder to eat better, move more, versus emotional eating. I had more patience with 3 year old. More patience with house repairs. I was able to brush off her fathers stupidity. I felt like i enjoyed life more amd lived in the moment. I felt happy. This still is a work in progress, and it isnt as easy as "go talk to someone" It takes more than that and alot of emotiobal strength to catch yourself before you blow up. Your kids need you to be happy and healthy. So does your partner, but it sounds like he has own issues.