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My sister just turned 60. She is 13 years older then me. She has a different Mom. She has been married 6 times. Her children are closer to my age since she had her first baby at 15.
She saved me from my childhood and has been my best friend, always there for me. Her resent husband is a jerk, I can only say the reason I think she stayed with him is it is financially secure. She was able to retire in her late 40's and has a very comfortable life.........but she is miserable.
NOW, she has decided that she can't handle everyone's DRAMA. I don't know what she is talking about, she has systematically cut off everybody in her life, with only some resent friends who really don't know her and she keeps them at arms distance.
I feel rejected, part of me wants to say fine, if she is disowning her family, (claiming , she, who has been married 6 times, can't stand all the dysfunction, whatever....) the other part thinks that she can't cope. She sold out. She has in the past 7 years lost her Mom, sister, and best friend. Her oldest daughter gave up all three of her children to be adopted and is mentally ill. I think her plate is full, I don't think she has grieved and I don't think she could honestly evaluate her relationship because she is totally dependent on it.
In all of this she has lost herself, and I miss her. I don't know how to get her back, I'm sure I can't. She has become another person in my life that I must grieve.
She saved me from my childhood and has been my best friend, always there for me. Her resent husband is a jerk, I can only say the reason I think she stayed with him is it is financially secure. She was able to retire in her late 40's and has a very comfortable life.........but she is miserable.
NOW, she has decided that she can't handle everyone's DRAMA. I don't know what she is talking about, she has systematically cut off everybody in her life, with only some resent friends who really don't know her and she keeps them at arms distance.
I feel rejected, part of me wants to say fine, if she is disowning her family, (claiming , she, who has been married 6 times, can't stand all the dysfunction, whatever....) the other part thinks that she can't cope. She sold out. She has in the past 7 years lost her Mom, sister, and best friend. Her oldest daughter gave up all three of her children to be adopted and is mentally ill. I think her plate is full, I don't think she has grieved and I don't think she could honestly evaluate her relationship because she is totally dependent on it.
In all of this she has lost herself, and I miss her. I don't know how to get her back, I'm sure I can't. She has become another person in my life that I must grieve.
I have never been through something like this, so take this for what it's worth, I would try reaching out to her every now and then (could be as simple as a card on the holidays). If she is married to a jerk, she could probably use some support/ thinking of you from family (in a non-drama accusatory way) , but try and not take it too personally if she doesn't respond at first.
However ex went through a similar thing with his own family when his parents divorced (other stuff leading up to, and after the divorce). This was before he and I divorced. In his case, he was the one who cut off his family. He couldn't deal with his family drama, hence cut his family off for a while (even his brother, whom had nothing to do with it, whom he was pretty good friends). I did not agree with him cutting off his family in anyway shape or form, but I did avoid getting caught in the middle of it (no win situation, getting everyone including my ex ticked off).
If this hasn't been going on for long, give it some time, some space for her to think things through. I'm guessing her own drama has resulted in her shutting down, which has nothing to do with you.
She's still in control right now in that way and given that it sounds like if she reached out you would reach back, she's in charge there too. We all have our limits and our brains can only handle so much shit and sometimes we end up lying to ourselves and living in our own little bubble to cope. And if she has to pretend her world with her hubby is okay, then its just one less pain she has to deal with right now.
Sounds like me that maybe she hit her own personal wall in has gone into her own self-preservation mode, right or wrong in everyone else's eyes.
But if things suddenly change, you can be there for her(if not too painful to you, to do that?). The only time I'd consider cutting off family, is if they intentionally went out their way to hurt me or my kids (physically or emotionally), threw out insults/ name-calling, were overly interfering in my personal matters. But that is just me. Which I want to clarify, I do not think that is why your sister is cutting you guys off (I think she's in denial, shut down). I am saying, that is how I think *I* would handle if I were you.
Yeah, it's gotta hurt, that she's distanced herself, but I've had relatives fall of the face of the earth before for several months or years (not in a mean vindictive way). My relatives that did this, they're more of a hermit type, enjoyed privacy. My mom's sister was kind of like this, she'd shut down, disappear for a while, then send an email/ card out of the blue, get real chatty, before disappearing for a while again. She didn't attend my mom's out of state funeral (her sister), and it didn't offend me. It did offend others. But I think my mom would have understood (I exchanged several emails with my aunt after my mom died, she was clearly distressed, upset, like a deer in head lights). My aunt called my mom several times, during my mom's last days. which (IMO) is more important than attending a funeral.
I also have a male cousin, who is little older than me (late 40s), he's single, never been married, no kids, and he recently had a stroke. His neighbor found him 4 days later. He has three sisters, and a dad, who'd be more than happy to check up on him regularly, but he doesn't want it. I think it's his right. But sure enough, when he had his stroke, needed therapy, who do you think was taking care of him (sisters, and dad).
Everyone handles stress differently, but again, unless the person is intentionally trying to hurt you, I guess i'd let it go, and try and be there for them, when the time of need happens (and it will happen sooner or later). A holiday card, here and there, "thinking of you" couldn't hurt (even if you know you will not hear back from them).
I'm also wondering if its related to her age. 60 isnt OLD any more, but she is coming to an age where many people around her are retiring, getting ill, becoming empty nesters, etc. Shes transitioning into a new time in her life - maybe HER life in specific isnt changing, but its being affected by the changes in the lives of those around her. She may be having a hard time adjusting - and like Auroroa mentioned, this is a way for her to remain in control.
I'd say try to give her a bit of time - give her the space she needs, but make yourself fully available as long as you want to relationship to continue.
I agree with the greeting card thing. Cast the hook and keep the line of communication open always. Maybe eventually she'll nibble on the hook. Who knows...maybe her husband will be the next casualty...and then she's going to need SOMEONE, so maybe she'll reach out to you her sis!