Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hey Folks,
I'm finding it really difficult to find others in my situation.
Almost 9 weeks ago my wife (of only two months/2.5 years together) had a nervous breakdown and left. We didn't break up, she just unilaterally decided that she didn't feel safe with me and that I couldn't help her if she was going to hurt herself and left.
It's been really tough and I have been trying to be supportive. I know that there were moments where I wasn't supportive enough.
We've almost broken up a few times while she's been gone. Initiated by me.
Things would seem to get better and then I would feel really angry about it all and try to break up with her.
A month in she said she needed more time and told me she was going to start there until the end of January.
She's supposed to come back on Sunday, but yesterday she asked if I would be okay if she stayed at her friends house while her husband was working out of town this month. She'd be home for ten days and then there for a week and then home for a few more days and then there again for another week.
I told her that I can't do it. I can't compromise anymore and that I want my wife back. I told her that if she needed more time, then she can just stay there.
She argued that it wasn't about me and that it was about her friend who's been there for her during this tough time and that she should be there for her friend. I said go for it and stay there.
So now we're in break up limbo.
I'm so angry and so resentful that I'm not sure I want to be with her anymore. I'm so mad that she would ask for more time away!!
What do I do?
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So mad at Xfinity! They're trying to charge me $115 per month for the same service I had been paying $50 the last four years. I took the equipment to UPS for shipping and cancelled my subscription today! Next door was a cookie shop called Crumbl. I had heard of it before but never went in until today. I don't need one more sugar fix, but maybe it will help with my sad) grieving heart....$15...
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Lately I've been feeling scared and full of anxiety. I recently found a lump under my nipple. I hurt my back too. I'm in the process of moving. I'm run down. Everything is hard
Getting mad won't help this situation. When you are feeling a calm moment, think long and hard about whether this marriage should continue at all. Only you know that answer. It's only been 2 months, I think you can get it annulled. If this is what you choose to do. You deserve to be happy, too. This relationship can't be all about just her and what she wants. You need to decide what is best for you as well.
Best wishes.
If in your calm moments you feel like you want your marriage to last and you want to fix things then maybe suggesting to her that you wish to go to not only couples counseling (to build that safety and trust back up) but to be there for her during some individual counseling as well (to show you support, love, and understand that she needs help and you’re there for her).
Yes it’s not all about her but it’s not all about you either. A relationship is 50/50 with compromise from both. If you’re not feeling like you’re being met in the middle, try to calm yourself and put it into words and explain why and how you feel.
I didn’t have a nervous breakdown and I’ve never been separated from my partner however I do have emotional and mental breakdowns where our relationship takes a toll and a break up can be happening but I go to counseling and he usually pulls his head outta his arse but it doesn’t always last but that’s the point of a relationship; to help each other grow and learn from past trauma and experiences.
Good wishes for you though
I dunno why this man is still with me after 39 years of that roller coaster ride, but he is and I am eternally grateful that he has learned how to let me trust my psychotherapy network more than I trust his husbandly fix-it box. There is not a court in the world which would not grant him a divorce, but his place in my healing path is profound and priceless because he chose to believe in me instead.
Dunno if any of this is applicable to your case. Just sharing. . .
If this was the first time you've experienced trouble in your relationship, I'd be more inclined to show more patience, but given there seems to be a history of frustration and uncertainty about the relationship, I think you have to ask yourself what's going to be different this time, and will her taking more time away ultimately render positive results for the relationship. If not, then it might be best to end things.
Sorry, ending a marriage is a big deal and I don't take it lightly. So I don't mean to be flippant. But after a while, you just have to ask yourself is anything really ever going to change.
Me. I know she’s struggling but you are too, just differently. That is not You being selfish or being all about you but just seeking to understand and a trying to maintain a little self preservation.
And when you write "I want my wife back" what do you mean exactly? Do you mean you want her back in your presence, or that you want her healthy, confident and back to "normal" when your relationship was good, or something else?
Regardless, a nervous breakdown is kind of a catch all term for acute mental stress caused by things like depression, mental stress disorders, anxiety mental illness, etc. So decisions she is making may not be understandable to you or her even. If she’s not being seen by a professional, that’s a problem.
I think it’s ok to express anger but if it’s your default position for coping with things that’s a problem too.