here's my story.
I used to be engaged with a gambler. I only found out about his gambling addiction a couple of months before our scheduled wedding. He was a closet gambler. I loved him and still do til today.

I stood by him through very early recovery. I helped bring him to outpatient rehab. and after one year in recovery he had an extreme change in mood and temper. As far as I know and I have been told, he was one year sober. But how would i really know the truth? The thing that caused that separation was when he got so infuriated with me looking after him. He told me about his schedule for that day, and being a fiance, and after a couple of hours of not hearing from him, of course I would check on him! it was a normal thing to do right? I've always thought that that was normal, to look for your partner, be concerned, moreso after an event like finding out about his addiction. But that time he was so angry and rude at me, and to me that was really unacceptable... after all the understanding and loving kindness I have showed him, is it really bad to desire and expect an improvement in your partner...? Now I am learning that with an addict or someone recovering from addiction, that is a high expectation. It's just too sad because I really miss the old him. I know deep inside he is a good person. That day changed everything. I don't know what people in the meetings/fellowship have told him. what his counselor advised him. But how come it feels like they separated us. I feel like they're not encouraging the addict enough to patch things up with me, in fact it felt like they really pushed for our separation. Which makes me repel all of them. I used to frequent the meetings, join counseling sessions, now I have quit that. It just is a painful process. And honestly, til today, I cannot accept that I have faults enough to be treated the way the addict treated me or just left me. I thought that was too selfish and abrupt. I do not see nor accept any goodness in that. I don't understand.

The addict just claimed that he cannot juggle recovery work with our relationship and that he needed to focus on the program. Of course i feel abandoned. I was there all along and never left him.. what's so bad in wanting to go through with things and struggles together as a couple? I would want to witness my partners transformation and vice-versa... is that just an ideal and it does not really happen? is that unreasonable and do i have a distorted ideal or concept? Is this desire a dysfunctional desire in a relationship? Does this mindset make me fail in my relationships?I mean aren't people in healthy relationships supposed to be able to allow each other be vulnerable in the presence of each other?

In this case, my addict decided to leave and focus on himself. I just thought that it was unfair..it's been 8 months of no contact, Not even one hi or hello? i mean how can you easily move on when that happens to you? how can i let go of the anger or even think of forgiveness? There are days I want to understand him, but when I think about how he excluded me, how can i not not take that personally? how can i not stick to think like a victim here?
I would not do this to anyone I love. or even to anyone i don't love. Yes I know he is sick. But it has been 1.5 years of program, daily meetings plus counseling... what is changing? not even one hello? unfair.

I find myself making baby steps sometimes moving on... only to go back 2 giant steps, thinking of the what ifs ... maybe i should make the move because he is really incapable of doing what i demand... but yet that won't really make me happy.

I see photos of him in facebook. and he looks ugly and stressed and makes me sad and miss him. I've blocked him already and he blocked me in the other social media sites. Funny. He asked for the space. He really wanted it that bad, did not want to have any responsibility in our relationship back then, I was ready to settle for less, but he said he could not offer me anything.

I am just mad at myself for still having the desire to still be together. For forcing the idea in my head, that he should see my worth. or the potential of our relationship...yet that is not the way he reacts... he has not done anything at all.

There has not been a closure between us. I have not entertained the idea that it really is the end. I am waiting and hoping silently for things to improve... But its 8 months of no contact already. We even crossed paths, he just smiled at me while i said hi monotonously.

For now, i stay where I am.. and i don't want to be the one to move first, But i am so stuck with the thought of making it work with him. Yet, i want him to make that move. That is my frustrating world.

Also I've been reading self help articles... and I get anxious and resistant with what I'm finding out.. That all of these is rooted to my childhood issues, being unable to grieve my issues as a child. Like duh, of course all of that will come out when something like this happens! Do you expect a healthy response and an easy acceptance when things like this happens? It does not help to make me think about how else I should repair myself.. It makes me feel worthless and dysfunctional all the more.

I just don't like the thought that one day when I look back, he will get better, and will be with someone else.

Anyway, I get so overwhelmed with these ruminations.