Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hello,
I apologize up front for the length of the post. I am in my late 50's, for the most part settled and happy. Most of my issues are first world types of things. I know a lot of people that would trade lives with me in a second. Having said that, I need a place to vent. I have tolerated a nearly-sexless marriage for many years. A few years ago I just gave up and accepted it. It is not the lack of sex per se, it is the lack of caring that fries by butt. Almost since our wedding day my wife has decided the frequency, quality and quantity of sex. That was my fault for not approaching it then, but it was gradual and I didn't notice until it was too late. I also didn't want to admit it. Sheis not totally frigid, but she might as well be. I have absolutely nothing to say about it at all. It has nearly wrecked me as time went on. Frustration, anger, resentment - I have experienced it all. Our sex life is not the only thing she decides without consultation. She does it in other areas too. We were finished having kids when she decided she wanted one more. You can guess the outcome. I love our daughter endlessly, but I am still not happy about the circumstances. There are many such incidents like that.
It occurs to me that this is not how God intends on relationships to be. The small incidents of deceit, the total lack of communication and so on. It will drive a person to complete distraction. I have made up my mind I need some control in my life. I need some boundaries. I have told her directly that I don't trust her; I think this is as far as we can go. I did not say divorce and unless things get worse, I won't. We have 35 years together and frankly I am not sure how much worse they can get. But I don't see us getting any closer as time wears on. Regardless, I need somewhere to stand that I can feel safe; somewhere the ground is not always shifting out from under me. Outwardly, we have a great relationship. Behind closed doors it is just tolerable.
No matter what happens, she just takes things in stride. She is never upset or angry or emotional in any way. She is totally passionless. She is the nicest person I know, but she is no longer a wife. We don't spend more than a few hours alone together. We can't. We have nothing at all to say to each other. Unless we go to visit our kids we don't travel together. Going to the movies together or out to eat is about where it stops and starts.
There is no one for me to talk to about this. She has made it clear she does not care for my friends at all. The only family we see with any regularity is hers. Our Pastor refers marriage matters to professionals and she will not go. The only time she ever went, she said it wanted to make her vomit and she refused to go back. So, here we are. We can't move forward, too old to go back, and very little future to look forward to. We work, go home, go to Church - rinse and repeat.
I don't necessarily blame anyone. If anyone is to blame it is me for allowing this to go on for so long without taking a more definitive stand. Here is one large thing; when people ask my opinion about something, anything (life, business, God) I nail it. I give rock-solid advice and counsel. Why can I not figure this out? Why can't I get us past this?
Why is it that the person I love most in life could give two damns what I think?
I am not sure if this will help. Sometimes I just need to see it to belive it. I need to think it through.
Gracias!!
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
If I were you I would get into therapy for YOU..... A therapist can help you to sort out how you are feeling and where you might want to go from here
What decisions are right for you and have support while you're working this out
It sounds like nothing is going to change at home and you'll have to decide if you want to be doing this 5 years from now??
I am on my own now and I have found leaving my marriage brought me peace of mind and it's a good thing.... People have to work this out for themselves
You have given in it seems to what your wife has wanted in the past completely ... She may believe this is what will continue??
Maybe letting her know that it won't continue will help you to the next step whatever that is??
Maybe she will actually decide your marriage is worth fighting for if that's what you both believe and if not maybe it's time to face it
Another hug and a blessing..... xo
"First World Problems?" If I ignore a paper cut hard enough, it can develop gangrene and the gangrene can spend. A million paper cuts can increase my chances of complications mightily.
Pain is pain, Msteele. It exists to let us know something is wrong and in need of attention. Don't lose too much time comparing yourself to people in far off ports before you take the time to fix it while the problem is still small.
Hope you find this a safe place to sort through all that confusion. Sort freely. Sort often. Welcome aboard.
A lot of what you say here, mirrors exactly what I am going through and experiencing. I blame a lot of whats happening on myself. But, It is not like I did not try to correct the situation in the beginning- I did. Nothing positive happened. In the beginning, I had an unbelievable sex life. I got "more" than i ever asked for, whenever I wanted it, and most of the time, SHE initiated it. But then like you said, things slowly changed.
I miss the sex. But at my age, I am missing the affection more. The touching, holding, playing around, etc. I honestly do not know, if those days will ever return.
Best of luck to you, and to all of us. I don't rub her booty any longer, but I sure do wish there was a damn magic lamp to rub with a genie to give me three wishes... :)
I think maybe once we can finally reach the point where we can and do start again to think about and go on to discover and accept what WE need for our own health and happiness, we will be back on the right path again. For me it is a big thing of not being acknowledged or heard. Being tolerated but discounted has been a way of life forever, but I want, need and deserve more... and so do you!
You are in my thoughts, prayers that you can find some peace and more of what you need and deserve.... respect and compassion, and love.
maybe it is time to live it. You can still be friends after divorce - I am close with my wh husband.. but if you are going to grow old with someone, maybe it should be the kind of woman you desire and who desires you back.
Something doesn’t add up here. So I read your About Me section... Are you looking to hook up here?
.You love her, but don’t trust her. She’s the nicest person you know but yet for THIRTYFIVE years she has dictated the terms of your relationship. Does that sound like a nice person, really? This is just riddled with contradictions which tells me you are trying to justify looking to chat up women on the internet. Newsflash: you don’t do that when still married to someone you supposedly “love the most in life.”
Try to fix the relationship or leave. Be honest about your intentions. Ask yourself what do you bring to the relationship. Go to therapy yourself if she won’t go. Be a person of action in your marriage whatever the outcome. That’s what people who are in troubled marriages do.